Saturday, December 17, 2011

The single life of a broken woman in Oklahoma

Remember when I said that I didn't know if I was going to like this whole being single bit?  Well it sucks sleeping alone so much.  It's a financial bitch living on my own.  Cooking for one is pointless most of the time, so I cook rarely anymore, unless it's for friends.

However, I think I could get used to this.  I like not having to worry about cleaning up after anyone but the dogs and myself.  I like only buying groceries once a month.  I love not having to share shower and closet space with anyone else.

But what do I love most?  Being able to go out whenever I want with whomever I want.  I have had so many new experiences lately.  My poor liver is probably going to commit homicide in the next few years, but my alcohol tolerance has never been higher.  I'm pretty sure I can drink any man under the table any day of the week.

I have been graduated from college for a year officially.  I thought by now I would be engaged, be putting money back for a house, be starting my career, and finally have a stable life.  Damn was I wrong!  I'm single, broke, still at my receptionist position, and am riding a roller coaster of financial, personal, and public difficulties.  I am still in love with Matt.  He has moved on and breaks my heart more each day.  I relive the things he did to me, I did to him, and we did to each other every other moment; how we hurt and tore each other apart.

Despite all of this, I'm happy most of the time.  I have come to realize who my true friends are.  I'm learning who I am.  I finding new ways of enjoying myself.  Even realized that I have a few fetishes that are shared by many.  I live to make myself happy.  I'm indulging in pleasures I have never experienced and some I have but was never able to fully appreciate.

I am starting a new life.  One where I have to completely rebuild myself; rebuild my self confidence, make myself stronger, and repair the gaping hole in my heart.  I wake up each day wondering what new things await me.  I make sure I have something to smile about as often as possible.  I'm keeping my options open and my head held high. 

I am broken.  I am lost.  I am empty.  I cry myself to sleep often.  I have allowed myself to be used an abused more than once.  I feel alone in a crowd of those who love me.  I drink away my pain.

I accept this all as my penitence.  I am happy to rebuild myself and learn more about myself, even if it hurts to do so.  I respect myself more than ever.  I am a strong, beautiful woman that has more to offer the world than the world is ready for, that any man would be blessed beyond belief to say is his, that will make a difference in the lives of many.

And this is the single life of a broken woman in Oklahoma.

Je t'amore mes amores!


Miss.Layla said...

Girrl. I totallly understand you on alll this!! Im goin thru soooo much shitt myself n I jus feel alone in it all. Jus by reading your post you inspire me! I feel like your kinda in my head. Much love n respect to you doin your own thing n bein a strong beautiful woman!!!!
<3 Laylaa!

Chris Trulock said...

I would like nothing more than to tell you it gets better.

It doesn't, not really. The pain and the memories stick with you, no matter what you try to do about it.

But that's the thing - after awhile (and no, I don't have a clue how long) they become no different than any other pain, any other memories. You bear the scars, but they stop defining you.

The good nights begin to outnumber the bad, little by little, and suddenly you feel like you can breathe.

May not seem like much of a silver lining...but I think you know it is.

- C

(Also, if you want that "cd" you should probably give me your ipod for a bit. Went a tiny bit overboard...)

Miss Allie said...

You guys are amazing. It's good to know I have people I can count on.

Trulock, I know it will never go away. I don't really want it to completely, then what did I really learn? How to shut myself off? Not exactly the brightest idea, it ends up coming back full force. I'll have to find my ipod to do so lol. I'll let you know when I do.


Attitude makes all the difference. Your attitude is amazing. Even though you are hurting you know it will get better and most importantly you love yourself and know you deserve the best.

Go girl!