This whole moving business is driving me absolutely crazy! I don't remember the last time being quite this insane... Granted I had someone helping me pack/move everything AND a new lease already signed.
I have to be out of my apartment in a week, and I don't have a place to move into or a job lined up in Tulsa... In fact, I don't even know when the BF and I are moving to Tulsa.
Okay, I guess this needs a little of explaining. If you've followed my sporadic posts, you know I have been trying to move to Tulsa for quite some time now. It was just lucky that when I met the BF, he was already thinking of moving there as well. The company he works for is opening 3-6 new stores in and around Tulsa and asked him to open/run one. Unfortunately, the owners seem to be VERY unorganized.
The first store was originally scheduled to opened almost a year and a half ago. It still isn't open. Official open date is now June 6th. We'll see.
When he first asked about possible help with moving expenses, the BF was told that the company would help with the moving truck, deposits, and first month's rent (and another employee that is being moved mentioned an offer of paying a pet deposit). This would just leave us finding a house in a suitable neighborhood (if you know anything about the Tulsa area, you know much of the actual city is getting pretty rough in terms of the inhabitants). I found us a PERFECT house--3 bedroom, walk-in closets, big backyard with a firepit, fireplace, gas stove in a huge kitchen (limited cabinet space, but moveable shelving can fix that), indoor/outdoor pets allowed, and the realtor loved me. It was 5-10 minutes (depending on traffic) from where he is to start working, with a movie theatre, shopping, mall, hospital, and great restaurants in close proximity. Near the Muskogee Turnpike and 412, so getting to both my parents' house and Meme's wouldn't be difficult. Like I said, perfect.
The last few weeks, he's been getting the run-around when it comes to getting all the assistance finalized.
Enter yesterday....
He finally gets a hold of the majority owner of the company who is in charge of all the financial aspects... Said owner offers to only help pay half of the moving truck costs... This is after he offered the previous offer to the other employee they are moving to the stores (said employee had already paid all the costs themselves). His reasoning? The BF seemed set on the idea of moving to Tulsa before they offered him a store.
Wait... What??? He had entertained the idea of moving somewhere, but never told his employers. When offered the chance to run a store, he jumped at it.
How is it that you offer one employee full assistance but won't offer the same or even close to it to someone who has jumped at every chance they have been given for more responsibility? You fire the GM and instead of bringing someone in, you have him take on more without a raise. Yet they aren't valuable enough to pay for them to move to open your new store? Another fact, the other employee is female. One can make the strong argument of sexist policies with this.
I'm just so frustrated...
The BF has a two-step idea to get things paid for: letter, then get his sister involved (apparently she has quite a bit of experience in this sort of situation, I'm not sure what she even does). I have a three-step idea: his two, and if neither of those work, let me talk to them. I can be pretty convincing if need be. Now if you're wondering what I mean by a "letter", it's pretty simple: voice his concerns about what his pay will be, which store will be his, what official policies are for the above situation, etc, ending with a phrase similar to "I look forward to the opportunity to grow with this company and take on more responsibility in the hopes of moving up, however, I must also consider what is best for me financially, career-wise, and for my personal well-being as time goes on." I think that gets the point across that he wants to stay with them, but is willing to look elsewhere if they continue to screw him over. I told him to start hinting to his coworkers about other job prospects without saying anything specific. I know at least one person will run to the owners. While he can't say he's looking for another job outright without jeopardizing his current position, he can make them think there is a possibility of losing someone they couldn't have been without the last few months.
To top all of this, my last day at my current job is tomorrow... I have a few prospects for jobs if we'll be here for a few more weeks, one temp job and one part to full-time job. I may just take both if I get the nod. Gotta save up the monies if we're going to have to pay for everything ourselves... And without rent to worry about that shouldn't take too long.
I don't have my kiddos at the moment either... Sugar (my cat) is at a friend's house (got caught with her and she isn't on my lease... oops...). Tank is at mom and dad's. I hate not having them. They make me so happy, even when they are being difficult. They cuddle when I need it and give me something to do when I need to get my mind off things. I can see Sugar whenever I want, Tank is more difficult seeing as how he is nearly 3 hours away. Can't wait to get them back. Another reason we need to get this all figured out soon.
Maybe I'm overreacting... I don't feel like I am.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts? I'm basically at a loss...
Ugh...
Showing posts with label serious talk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label serious talk. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Good Enough
It's been a rough few days. I've come to realize I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough to have a steady job. I'm not good enough for most people to stick by me. I'm not even good enough for the person I love. I'm just not.
People keep telling me that to be good enough for other people, I have to be good enough for me.
Why? I've been completely broken and fucked up. How am I ever going to be good enough for me? I let someone rip me limb from limb and went back asking for more. I handed them my heart and soul and very being on silver platter to do what they wished with. And they did. They destroyed me.
Why is it that I've finally been able to trust again and open up, and that isn't good enough? I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to even go out in public (even to this day), let alone let anyone in my life.
I try. All I want to do is make those around me happy. That is what makes me happy.
I was told that it's okay that I'm broken, it's okay that I'm fucked up. That they still love me and they can handle everything that comes with that. But can you? Can you handle the constant nightmares? The random panic attacks? The days I don't want to be touched? My severe mood swings? The fact that I can be extremely needy for no reason at all (I can't even explain it)? That I hate being alone, especially at night? That I'm afraid of it?
Honestly, even my closest friends can't handle all that. I just need someone to see all of this and say "It's going to be hard, but you're going to get through this. And I'll be there every step of the way. Even through the difficult times, I'll be there no matter what. I'll love you no matter what."
I really don't think I can do this on my own anymore. It's just made it worse. But I can't talk to anyone about it. My friends think it means I'm not over that person. And I don't like bringing up what happened to my boyfriend or that I'm still always hurting (no matter how badly I need to talk about it) because I see the hurt in his eyes.
The sad thing is, even when I'm hurting more than ever, all he has to do is take me in his arms and I calm down. My mind stops screaming. The nightmares are bearable. I can't do that for him though. I can't do that for anyone.
Maybe they won't let me. I don't know. Honestly though, it hurts more anything that has been done to me to know that I can't. I finally found people that I trust again yet I still feel worthless.
I've given them my heart. My trust. My energy. My time. And in one case, my body. Everything I have to give. But it's not enough.
All I want is to be good enough... And because I'm broken, I never will be...
People keep telling me that to be good enough for other people, I have to be good enough for me.
Why? I've been completely broken and fucked up. How am I ever going to be good enough for me? I let someone rip me limb from limb and went back asking for more. I handed them my heart and soul and very being on silver platter to do what they wished with. And they did. They destroyed me.
Why is it that I've finally been able to trust again and open up, and that isn't good enough? I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to even go out in public (even to this day), let alone let anyone in my life.
I try. All I want to do is make those around me happy. That is what makes me happy.
I was told that it's okay that I'm broken, it's okay that I'm fucked up. That they still love me and they can handle everything that comes with that. But can you? Can you handle the constant nightmares? The random panic attacks? The days I don't want to be touched? My severe mood swings? The fact that I can be extremely needy for no reason at all (I can't even explain it)? That I hate being alone, especially at night? That I'm afraid of it?
Honestly, even my closest friends can't handle all that. I just need someone to see all of this and say "It's going to be hard, but you're going to get through this. And I'll be there every step of the way. Even through the difficult times, I'll be there no matter what. I'll love you no matter what."
I really don't think I can do this on my own anymore. It's just made it worse. But I can't talk to anyone about it. My friends think it means I'm not over that person. And I don't like bringing up what happened to my boyfriend or that I'm still always hurting (no matter how badly I need to talk about it) because I see the hurt in his eyes.
The sad thing is, even when I'm hurting more than ever, all he has to do is take me in his arms and I calm down. My mind stops screaming. The nightmares are bearable. I can't do that for him though. I can't do that for anyone.
Maybe they won't let me. I don't know. Honestly though, it hurts more anything that has been done to me to know that I can't. I finally found people that I trust again yet I still feel worthless.
I've given them my heart. My trust. My energy. My time. And in one case, my body. Everything I have to give. But it's not enough.
All I want is to be good enough... And because I'm broken, I never will be...
Sunday, January 6, 2013
A New Year
It has been awhile since I posted much in the way of personal stories on here, lately my posts have been more political. While that is personal to me, it probably bores most of you. I can understand that. My friends get tired of hearing it too. It's just how I am.
I hope to get back to more personal things now. Of course I will have my rants, that's just me.
This year is a new start for me. I'm finally coming to terms with some of the things the ex did to me and have realized that it has drastically affected me. I finally told a doctor that I have had panic attacks since my sexual assault (left out the physical assault and infidelity parts). Granted, it was just my GCP, but he thinks I may have PTSD. With the help of the boyfriend, I have finally made the decision to seek help in sorting it all out and fixing myself. I know I can't do it alone anymore. That made it worse. I intend to start writing out my thoughts and feelings while I go through this on here, partially as a catharsis, partially because I know I am not the only person who has been through something like this. If I can help someone else, even if just by showing them they aren't the only one who's been wronged this way, it will be worth it.
I also want to get healthier this year. I was doing so well with my weight loss last year; I got down to 160! Then I started gaining again. I'm back to around 200, which disgusts me. I know I can do better. Honestly, it's not the number that bothers me, but the inches and that I'm completely out of shape. So I'm going to keep an update going for myself on here. The fact that this is public may make me more accountable.
I have several crafty projects started that I really want to finish. My aunt is going to help me with my crochet technique, so hopefully I can become good enough to start selling a few things here and there. I plan to sell some of my photos that I've had hidden away for awhile, so look for that! Honestly, I have a few really good ones. I'd love to share them with fellow art lovers.
Finally, I am moving out of Norman in the middle of the year. I want to make a new start with people I know I can count on. Oddly enough, the boyfriend and I had both made plans to move to the same city before meeting each other. Fate works in mysterious ways, huh? It's a new adventure! He's going to opening a new store in the chain he works for. I hope to start the trek to getting my Masters' in Forensic Psychology. It should all make for some interesting stories to share. Considering I'm moving in with Bee, one of my best friends from high school, I should have quite a few hilarious things to let you in on.
All in all, I want to get this page going again and possibly change it up here and there. I want to bring back Obscure Mondays (I even have a few movies already lined up for it!), WTF or Wine Wednesdays, and possibly Thankful Thursdays. One step at a time though.
I have missed you my bloggie friends. I have missed your support. I have missed out on so much in your lives. I hope to change that.
For now, it's off to bed. Have to get up early and make that money.
Love!!
I hope to get back to more personal things now. Of course I will have my rants, that's just me.
This year is a new start for me. I'm finally coming to terms with some of the things the ex did to me and have realized that it has drastically affected me. I finally told a doctor that I have had panic attacks since my sexual assault (left out the physical assault and infidelity parts). Granted, it was just my GCP, but he thinks I may have PTSD. With the help of the boyfriend, I have finally made the decision to seek help in sorting it all out and fixing myself. I know I can't do it alone anymore. That made it worse. I intend to start writing out my thoughts and feelings while I go through this on here, partially as a catharsis, partially because I know I am not the only person who has been through something like this. If I can help someone else, even if just by showing them they aren't the only one who's been wronged this way, it will be worth it.
I also want to get healthier this year. I was doing so well with my weight loss last year; I got down to 160! Then I started gaining again. I'm back to around 200, which disgusts me. I know I can do better. Honestly, it's not the number that bothers me, but the inches and that I'm completely out of shape. So I'm going to keep an update going for myself on here. The fact that this is public may make me more accountable.
I have several crafty projects started that I really want to finish. My aunt is going to help me with my crochet technique, so hopefully I can become good enough to start selling a few things here and there. I plan to sell some of my photos that I've had hidden away for awhile, so look for that! Honestly, I have a few really good ones. I'd love to share them with fellow art lovers.
Finally, I am moving out of Norman in the middle of the year. I want to make a new start with people I know I can count on. Oddly enough, the boyfriend and I had both made plans to move to the same city before meeting each other. Fate works in mysterious ways, huh? It's a new adventure! He's going to opening a new store in the chain he works for. I hope to start the trek to getting my Masters' in Forensic Psychology. It should all make for some interesting stories to share. Considering I'm moving in with Bee, one of my best friends from high school, I should have quite a few hilarious things to let you in on.
All in all, I want to get this page going again and possibly change it up here and there. I want to bring back Obscure Mondays (I even have a few movies already lined up for it!), WTF or Wine Wednesdays, and possibly Thankful Thursdays. One step at a time though.
I have missed you my bloggie friends. I have missed your support. I have missed out on so much in your lives. I hope to change that.
For now, it's off to bed. Have to get up early and make that money.
Love!!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
What have they become?
With the Republican National Convention underway, I can't help but throw a bit of a bitch fit. Republicans today do not stand for what the party was originally founded to support. The things they are pushing for today, are completely the opposite as why as a young, naive 18 year old I registered as a Republican (shocker huh? Me, a registered republican?) So, what do Republicans stand for? I'll tell you.
Originally, Democrats and Republicans were one party-the Democratic Republicans. This was the 1800s, before the Civil War. They wanted small government and a small, agriculture and industrial nation. It was the Federalists that wanted stronger government and a national economy. It wasn't until the 1850s that the Republican party was created from the Whigs and abolitionists.
Before the Civil War, it was the Democrats who were predominate in the South. They wanted to maintain states' rights and, in effect, continue slavery. They hated the Bank of the U.S. (which hasn't really changed) and subscribed to other Jacksonian ideals. The Republicans were the progressive party. Lincoln himself was a Republican. They opposed the repeal of the Missouri Compromise and the extension of slavery, as well as being openly against the decision in the Dred Scott Case.
In 1860, the Republican platform included a call for a high protective tariff (or tax), free homesteads, and a transcontinental railroad. With Lincoln as their nominee, they won the election and freed the slaves. Lincoln himself created several government agencies: Department of Agriculture, Bureau of Internal Revenue, and the national banking system. He passed the Homestead Act, because he understtod the "importance of... having a piece of land to call your own." He passed the Land Grant College Act, which created universities throughout the country by donating land for agricultural and technical colleges to the states.
Republicans passed the Civil Rights Act of 1866, passed the 14th Amendment in 1868, passed the National Eight Hour Law (which while only limited government workers to 8 hour work days, set a precedent for all workers), passed the 15th Amendment in 1870 (which guarantees voting rights to all citizens of age), authorized equal pay for female government employees in 1872, the Pendleton Act in 1883 (which required at least 10% of the bureaucracy to be a professional workforce and created the Civil Service Commission), and in 1890 passed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. Later Roosevelt, a Republican, used this act to break up several large monopolies.
Roosevelt did several things today's Republicans would find appalling. He became involved with foreign policy by supporting the creation of the Panama Canal. He negotiated the Treaty of Portsmouth, ending the conflict between Japan and Russia. In 1906, he passed laws concerning safe food and meat production. Later, he began naming forests as federal reserves and created the Department of Labor.
In 1919, the Republican party successfully passed the 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote. The first woman elected to Congress was a Montana Republican in 1917.
In the 1920s, the party ran on platform opposing the League of Nations, high tariffs, and promoting business interests. These low tariffs and business policies led to great prosperity until 1929 when Wall Street crashed. The hands off approach by the party led to FDR being elected in 1932. I n 1940, they became them first major political party to support and endorse and equal rights amendment for women. When Eisenhower was elected he created the Interstate Highway System and continued American space exploration, as well as creating the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare, the Civil Rights Commission and the civil rights division in the Justice Department. These led to the Civil Rights Act of 1957, which kept the government from interfering with blacks wanting to vote.
The first mention of bipartisan effort in any of my research was when the parties joined together on foreign policy after the Republican support for the nation's war effort (began by the Democrats). In fact, it was the Republicans that were usually against the wars the US fought.
It wasn't until Nixon was elected in 1968 that the Republican party began believing that America had the best form of government. It was then that the country began having a larger role in world politics and promoting the values of the country. He reopened relations with China, helping with globalization, ended the country's involvement in the Vietnam War, signed arms control treaties, promoted our manned space program, brought inflation under control by implementing the traditional Republican policy of fiscal control and by cutting the dollar loose from the gold standard, and helped to pass the Clean Air Act.
Reagan followed. He increased military spending and had the largest peacetime military buildup in US history. However, his revamping of the tax code exempted million of those with low incomes and eliminated many deductions. He had the Iran-contra affair to mar his record, where the US sent arms to Iran without Congressional approval and to Nicaraguan guerrillas.
Bush Sr., supported free trade, Middle East peace, and NATO.
What has the Republican party become? They supported W. when he invaded Iraq on a lie of nuclear weapons. Granted I understand we had been attacked, but because he couldn't figure out who did it he fabricated a report. Yet many still think he was in the right. He created tax cuts that left the lower and middle classes to pay for the functionings of our government. This led to over $3 trillion in debt. Something that was almost unheard of in the Republican party before.
Once they supported civil and individual rights. Now they want to deny gays the right to marry.
They once respected the Constitution and, therefore, the separation of church and state as that is created by the Constitution. Now they want to impose Christian values on all of those in this country and create laws that reflect this, when the Constitution states that the government cannot do so.
They have always wanted small government and less government regulation in our lives. But by passing laws on marriage, "legitimate" rape, and other similar things creates more regulations and more of the government "butting into our lives."
Before they supported helping the middle and lower classes with tax cuts and the Homestead Act, now they rally for corporate and wealthy tax cuts as well as not helping the homeless or unemployed.
They stood for education at one point; they actually created many of the universities around the country. Now they want to stop funding education and helping students afford education beyond the secondary level.
They have always supported businesses but not to the extent of putting them over their constituents. With corporate tax cuts, out sourcing, and the like they are hurting our economy, putting us out of work, and creating wider gaps between economic classes.
These are all stances held by Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Please consider who you support and what they stand for before you vote this November. Do your homework. Realize these policies are not helping our country, but hurting it. We are becoming a nation that discriminates based on religion, sex, sexuality, and tax bracket.
The Democrats are not perfect, not by a long shot, but they are not trying to take away the things they gave you. Republicans are backing out of so many things they promised with the laws they passed in our country's history and are now passing laws that will in effect repeal or block them.
Sources:
http://voices.yahoo.com/historical-outline-american-political-parties-16427.html
http://www.infoplease.com/ce6/history/A0860701.html
http://www.nfrw.org/republicans/history.htm#LINCOLN
Originally, Democrats and Republicans were one party-the Democratic Republicans. This was the 1800s, before the Civil War. They wanted small government and a small, agriculture and industrial nation. It was the Federalists that wanted stronger government and a national economy. It wasn't until the 1850s that the Republican party was created from the Whigs and abolitionists.
Before the Civil War, it was the Democrats who were predominate in the South. They wanted to maintain states' rights and, in effect, continue slavery. They hated the Bank of the U.S. (which hasn't really changed) and subscribed to other Jacksonian ideals. The Republicans were the progressive party. Lincoln himself was a Republican. They opposed the repeal of the Missouri Compromise and the extension of slavery, as well as being openly against the decision in the Dred Scott Case.
In 1860, the Republican platform included a call for a high protective tariff (or tax), free homesteads, and a transcontinental railroad. With Lincoln as their nominee, they won the election and freed the slaves. Lincoln himself created several government agencies: Department of Agriculture, Bureau of Internal Revenue, and the national banking system. He passed the Homestead Act, because he understtod the "importance of... having a piece of land to call your own." He passed the Land Grant College Act, which created universities throughout the country by donating land for agricultural and technical colleges to the states.
Republicans passed the Civil Rights Act of 1866, passed the 14th Amendment in 1868, passed the National Eight Hour Law (which while only limited government workers to 8 hour work days, set a precedent for all workers), passed the 15th Amendment in 1870 (which guarantees voting rights to all citizens of age), authorized equal pay for female government employees in 1872, the Pendleton Act in 1883 (which required at least 10% of the bureaucracy to be a professional workforce and created the Civil Service Commission), and in 1890 passed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act. Later Roosevelt, a Republican, used this act to break up several large monopolies.
Roosevelt did several things today's Republicans would find appalling. He became involved with foreign policy by supporting the creation of the Panama Canal. He negotiated the Treaty of Portsmouth, ending the conflict between Japan and Russia. In 1906, he passed laws concerning safe food and meat production. Later, he began naming forests as federal reserves and created the Department of Labor.
In 1919, the Republican party successfully passed the 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote. The first woman elected to Congress was a Montana Republican in 1917.
In the 1920s, the party ran on platform opposing the League of Nations, high tariffs, and promoting business interests. These low tariffs and business policies led to great prosperity until 1929 when Wall Street crashed. The hands off approach by the party led to FDR being elected in 1932. I n 1940, they became them first major political party to support and endorse and equal rights amendment for women. When Eisenhower was elected he created the Interstate Highway System and continued American space exploration, as well as creating the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare, the Civil Rights Commission and the civil rights division in the Justice Department. These led to the Civil Rights Act of 1957, which kept the government from interfering with blacks wanting to vote.
The first mention of bipartisan effort in any of my research was when the parties joined together on foreign policy after the Republican support for the nation's war effort (began by the Democrats). In fact, it was the Republicans that were usually against the wars the US fought.
It wasn't until Nixon was elected in 1968 that the Republican party began believing that America had the best form of government. It was then that the country began having a larger role in world politics and promoting the values of the country. He reopened relations with China, helping with globalization, ended the country's involvement in the Vietnam War, signed arms control treaties, promoted our manned space program, brought inflation under control by implementing the traditional Republican policy of fiscal control and by cutting the dollar loose from the gold standard, and helped to pass the Clean Air Act.
Reagan followed. He increased military spending and had the largest peacetime military buildup in US history. However, his revamping of the tax code exempted million of those with low incomes and eliminated many deductions. He had the Iran-contra affair to mar his record, where the US sent arms to Iran without Congressional approval and to Nicaraguan guerrillas.
Bush Sr., supported free trade, Middle East peace, and NATO.
What has the Republican party become? They supported W. when he invaded Iraq on a lie of nuclear weapons. Granted I understand we had been attacked, but because he couldn't figure out who did it he fabricated a report. Yet many still think he was in the right. He created tax cuts that left the lower and middle classes to pay for the functionings of our government. This led to over $3 trillion in debt. Something that was almost unheard of in the Republican party before.
Once they supported civil and individual rights. Now they want to deny gays the right to marry.
They once respected the Constitution and, therefore, the separation of church and state as that is created by the Constitution. Now they want to impose Christian values on all of those in this country and create laws that reflect this, when the Constitution states that the government cannot do so.
They have always wanted small government and less government regulation in our lives. But by passing laws on marriage, "legitimate" rape, and other similar things creates more regulations and more of the government "butting into our lives."
Before they supported helping the middle and lower classes with tax cuts and the Homestead Act, now they rally for corporate and wealthy tax cuts as well as not helping the homeless or unemployed.
They stood for education at one point; they actually created many of the universities around the country. Now they want to stop funding education and helping students afford education beyond the secondary level.
They have always supported businesses but not to the extent of putting them over their constituents. With corporate tax cuts, out sourcing, and the like they are hurting our economy, putting us out of work, and creating wider gaps between economic classes.
These are all stances held by Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Please consider who you support and what they stand for before you vote this November. Do your homework. Realize these policies are not helping our country, but hurting it. We are becoming a nation that discriminates based on religion, sex, sexuality, and tax bracket.
The Democrats are not perfect, not by a long shot, but they are not trying to take away the things they gave you. Republicans are backing out of so many things they promised with the laws they passed in our country's history and are now passing laws that will in effect repeal or block them.
Sources:
http://voices.yahoo.com/historical-outline-american-political-parties-16427.html
http://www.infoplease.com/ce6/history/A0860701.html
http://www.nfrw.org/republicans/history.htm#LINCOLN
Monday, June 11, 2012
Test of strength
Today has been one of the most emotionally draining days I have had in a while (yesterday, whatever you want to call it). Some people call it a test of faith, others would say its a road block or stepping stone. Whatever the fuck it is, it hurts so fucking much.
I've been torn down and treated like shit in the past. I've had people use me and walk all over me. But I don't think I've ever been made to feel this worthless. Empty can't even begin to describe the feeling in my chest right now.
Maybe I fell too hard and too fast. Maybe thinking I was worthy of some amazing was too much. Maybe I shouldn't trust anyone anymore.
I guess you can figure out that the boyfriend did something really really wrong. I don't want to get into details and drag down anyone's character or make him out to be a bad person, so I'm not going to do that. The few of you that know how to contact me personally can do so and I'll share a little bit. I just don't see the need to let the entire world know all the details.
It happened early early this morning. After getting in a good (if you want to call it that), long cry, I went to church for the first time in years. Not for this reason. The wife of a good friend of mine invited me out for his surprise birthday at their church. Personally, I was afraid I was going to be struck by lightening, but I hadn't seen him in awhile and knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. So off to a church an hour away I went.
If you know me or have followed my posts, you know I'm not a religious person. One could go as far as saying I don't know what I do or don't believe in. However, the message this "Holy Roller" preacher had this morning really hit home and I believe it would for anyone no matter their beliefs. Basically he said that God wants people who have been through hell to share his message, not those that had not been through trials or hard times. Because only those that have been through it and come through it can share the true grace of God with others.
I say it could work for anyone because honestly, I wouldn't want people close to me who haven't been tested and haven't had hard times in their lives giving me advice or trying to help me through things (and isn't that what good friends do?). I can't trust that someone who hasn't been through a difficult time could do much of anything other than say "I'm sorry." Not that it's a bad thing if you haven't been tested, but for as much shit as I've been through it's hard to talk to people who've had it pretty easy.
You have to have faith in whatever you believe in when times are near impossible. You have to have faith in yourself. That you're a strong person and you will get through anything no matter what. You have to know that you have at least one person there for you, whether they're an obvious choice or not. Everyone has someone they can lean on when they absolutely need it.
Now I'm not in any shape to be saying this right now or giving advice. I'm bawling. Again. But I know I have those people. I know I'm a strong person when I have nothing else. I may be crushed and empty and just wanting to crawl in a hole at the moment, but I know whatever happens I will come through it and I have people who will drag me out of my hole kicking and screaming so I will face hardships head on and come out stronger (if not more cold hearted).
I don't know what I'm going to do about my current situation. None of the choices presented seem logical, even though there are maybe 3-4 tops, 2 for sure. I know whatever I do, it's going to be hard for me trust again or put myself out there. But I'm strong. And when I have moments when I can't be, like now, I have people who are willing to be strong for me. Or at least get me drunk so I don't give a fuck.
Basically, have faith in YOU and know you are not alone in anything.
G'night.
I've been torn down and treated like shit in the past. I've had people use me and walk all over me. But I don't think I've ever been made to feel this worthless. Empty can't even begin to describe the feeling in my chest right now.
Maybe I fell too hard and too fast. Maybe thinking I was worthy of some amazing was too much. Maybe I shouldn't trust anyone anymore.
I guess you can figure out that the boyfriend did something really really wrong. I don't want to get into details and drag down anyone's character or make him out to be a bad person, so I'm not going to do that. The few of you that know how to contact me personally can do so and I'll share a little bit. I just don't see the need to let the entire world know all the details.
It happened early early this morning. After getting in a good (if you want to call it that), long cry, I went to church for the first time in years. Not for this reason. The wife of a good friend of mine invited me out for his surprise birthday at their church. Personally, I was afraid I was going to be struck by lightening, but I hadn't seen him in awhile and knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. So off to a church an hour away I went.
If you know me or have followed my posts, you know I'm not a religious person. One could go as far as saying I don't know what I do or don't believe in. However, the message this "Holy Roller" preacher had this morning really hit home and I believe it would for anyone no matter their beliefs. Basically he said that God wants people who have been through hell to share his message, not those that had not been through trials or hard times. Because only those that have been through it and come through it can share the true grace of God with others.
I say it could work for anyone because honestly, I wouldn't want people close to me who haven't been tested and haven't had hard times in their lives giving me advice or trying to help me through things (and isn't that what good friends do?). I can't trust that someone who hasn't been through a difficult time could do much of anything other than say "I'm sorry." Not that it's a bad thing if you haven't been tested, but for as much shit as I've been through it's hard to talk to people who've had it pretty easy.
You have to have faith in whatever you believe in when times are near impossible. You have to have faith in yourself. That you're a strong person and you will get through anything no matter what. You have to know that you have at least one person there for you, whether they're an obvious choice or not. Everyone has someone they can lean on when they absolutely need it.
Now I'm not in any shape to be saying this right now or giving advice. I'm bawling. Again. But I know I have those people. I know I'm a strong person when I have nothing else. I may be crushed and empty and just wanting to crawl in a hole at the moment, but I know whatever happens I will come through it and I have people who will drag me out of my hole kicking and screaming so I will face hardships head on and come out stronger (if not more cold hearted).
I don't know what I'm going to do about my current situation. None of the choices presented seem logical, even though there are maybe 3-4 tops, 2 for sure. I know whatever I do, it's going to be hard for me trust again or put myself out there. But I'm strong. And when I have moments when I can't be, like now, I have people who are willing to be strong for me. Or at least get me drunk so I don't give a fuck.
Basically, have faith in YOU and know you are not alone in anything.
G'night.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Would things be different?
I made love for the first time the other night. I've had one-night-stands, great sex, been straight out fucked, but never until then had I made love. I don't know if he'd call it the same thing, guys have this strange aversion to the phrase "making love" I've noticed. But screw what he thinks in this instance. Yes. Yes. It was amazing. I love the feeling of his arms around me anytime, add that to intense intimacy and you've got me hooked like a cat on catnip. As much as I'd love to go into details, I'm gonna keep those to myself.
Strange way to start a post that sounds very retro- and intro-spective from the title, right? Basically, I don't know how I got here. Ok I do, you don't. I used to be what some would call a goody-good, now I'm a partier who's always up for trying new and crazy things. I was the one who got Mom and Bubba going to church when I was in middle school. I was very devout for several years, was even asked to be a counselor at camp by the dean of the camp. Unfortunately, I was made to feel like an outcast and like a bad believer for reasons I still don't know. So I decided to live my life my way and enjoy whatever I could. I'm happier this way. I don't feel like I'm not living up to someone else's expectations of me.
I look back on everything I've done, the people I've met, and the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I would be where I am now if things hadn't been the way they were--and if I were here anyway, would the way I feel be any different?
I moved around a lot as a kid. We were never a military family, my parents were just always looking for better opportunities for Bubba and I. Until they moved to their current location, I was never in one school longer than 4 years. I did live in the same house for 8, but changed schools twice. After 4 years in Norman, I have to itch to move. Nothing too drastic, probably just Tulsa, but its still there. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds and even if I did my lease isn't up for awhile. Well... that and I found something worth staying for. Or someone I should say. Thankfully, we both had plans to move there before we met. It's early but I think it's pretty awesome that we found each other in the midst of starting plans to move to the same city. It's better than meeting someone and leaving without them shortly after or staying somewhere you don't want to be just for someone new. Hopefully things work out well.
I dated a lot of losers over the last few years. Actually, that's unfair. I've become friends with most of them since, and for the most part, they're all pretty awesome guys. Just not who I should be with. They had their redeeming qualities while I was with them, and I'm sure most of those reasons are why we can now be friends, but meshing with me was not one of them. That, and they all broke my heart in one way or another. Oddly enough, I only went into a depression because of one of them, other times it was them. Strange when you think about it... You hurt me, I leave you, you're the one depressed... Doesn't entirely make sense now that I think about it, but what in this world really does? I learned about myself from those guys, so I'm thankful.
With that said, some of the guys I dated messed me up for awhile. I've been cheated on, used, emotionally and physically abused (not to an extreme on either, but it still fucks you up), and things I don't entirely want to list on here. Men can be awful creatures. So can women. I could be controlling and possessive, I used to be highly jealous person, I'm sure I tore a few guys down. Some of it was defense mechanisms, other times it was immaturity and insecurity. I'm still young so I'm probably still going to make big mistakes when it comes to all this, but hopefully I never repeat any of these mistakes.
I've had many good friends over the years. Most of whom I am still in contact with and very close to even if we don't see each other. Others have decided I'm not a vital part of their lives anymore. Almost everyone I'm extremely close to has stabbed me in the back, but I did the same at some point. The fact that we can get past that makes us even closer I believe. It hurts thinking about why I've lost some people, most (not all) could easily be fixed by a heart-to-heart that I'm more than willing to have but the idea has not been reciprocated. I know that means they aren't meant to be a current part of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that it does hurt. Doesn't matter, they may not know or believe this but if ever any of them ever needed me I'd be there in a heartbeat because of how important they once were.
Looking back on all this, I can't help but wonder: would things be different now if part or all of this hadn't have happened in my past? Would I have been able to just start becoming spontaneous in many aspects of my life? I wouldn't have Tank if I wasn't so I wouldn't have my only furbaby. I wouldn't have bought Cleo either (I miss my Little Bit). Would I be so open to meeting new people? I don't think I would have gone bowling recently with a group of people I only know because they are regulars where I work if I didn't feel the need to meet new people and surround myself with people who just want to enjoy life. Would I guard myself, unlike I used to so that I know if someone is worth having my trust? Doubtful, I was a naive thing for a long time.
The last 6 1/2 years have made me feel more worldly (though, I haven't traveled much at all). Maybe "somewhat wise" is the phrase I'm looking for. I've had some interesting experiences, most of which happened between July and now. Not all of them were great, but some were amazing. However, I wouldn't trade any of it.
Because of all this, I have what I have now. The strongest friendships I've ever had with people who will always be there and vice versa. My own little family of me and my furbaby who makes me smile everyday of my life. A job, that while doesn't keep my wallet full, makes me happy at the end of the day and has let me meet some awesome people. And an amazing man who knows about my somewhat screwed up past; he accepts me with all my quirks and insecurities and makes me beautiful, safe, and loved. I fell for him hard and fast. Four months and I can't even sleep without him next to me anymore. It's insane.
Maybe none of this will last forever, maybe it will. All I know is that honestly I've never been happier. And I know things wouldn't be this way if my past hadn't set me on this path.
I know the introduction to this post is still a little unnerving and possibly odd to some. The point was making a complete circle. I'm amazingly happy and that experience wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have gotten to this place in my life. Crazy, huh? Maybe I would never know what it was like to make love. Ugh, ok even to me that phrase is awkward and cliche haha. Oh well, it is what it is.
I'm off to bed hopefully. The boyfriend, his friends, and I are headed to the river tomorrow for a weekend of floating, camping, and drinking. Finally! Time away from the craziness of real life :-D Huh, oddly enough this fits under Thankful Thursdays (yeah yeah I realize it's 4:30 Friday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still Thursday lol).
G'night lovelies!
Love!!
Strange way to start a post that sounds very retro- and intro-spective from the title, right? Basically, I don't know how I got here. Ok I do, you don't. I used to be what some would call a goody-good, now I'm a partier who's always up for trying new and crazy things. I was the one who got Mom and Bubba going to church when I was in middle school. I was very devout for several years, was even asked to be a counselor at camp by the dean of the camp. Unfortunately, I was made to feel like an outcast and like a bad believer for reasons I still don't know. So I decided to live my life my way and enjoy whatever I could. I'm happier this way. I don't feel like I'm not living up to someone else's expectations of me.
I look back on everything I've done, the people I've met, and the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I would be where I am now if things hadn't been the way they were--and if I were here anyway, would the way I feel be any different?
I moved around a lot as a kid. We were never a military family, my parents were just always looking for better opportunities for Bubba and I. Until they moved to their current location, I was never in one school longer than 4 years. I did live in the same house for 8, but changed schools twice. After 4 years in Norman, I have to itch to move. Nothing too drastic, probably just Tulsa, but its still there. Unfortunately, I don't have the funds and even if I did my lease isn't up for awhile. Well... that and I found something worth staying for. Or someone I should say. Thankfully, we both had plans to move there before we met. It's early but I think it's pretty awesome that we found each other in the midst of starting plans to move to the same city. It's better than meeting someone and leaving without them shortly after or staying somewhere you don't want to be just for someone new. Hopefully things work out well.
I dated a lot of losers over the last few years. Actually, that's unfair. I've become friends with most of them since, and for the most part, they're all pretty awesome guys. Just not who I should be with. They had their redeeming qualities while I was with them, and I'm sure most of those reasons are why we can now be friends, but meshing with me was not one of them. That, and they all broke my heart in one way or another. Oddly enough, I only went into a depression because of one of them, other times it was them. Strange when you think about it... You hurt me, I leave you, you're the one depressed... Doesn't entirely make sense now that I think about it, but what in this world really does? I learned about myself from those guys, so I'm thankful.
With that said, some of the guys I dated messed me up for awhile. I've been cheated on, used, emotionally and physically abused (not to an extreme on either, but it still fucks you up), and things I don't entirely want to list on here. Men can be awful creatures. So can women. I could be controlling and possessive, I used to be highly jealous person, I'm sure I tore a few guys down. Some of it was defense mechanisms, other times it was immaturity and insecurity. I'm still young so I'm probably still going to make big mistakes when it comes to all this, but hopefully I never repeat any of these mistakes.
I've had many good friends over the years. Most of whom I am still in contact with and very close to even if we don't see each other. Others have decided I'm not a vital part of their lives anymore. Almost everyone I'm extremely close to has stabbed me in the back, but I did the same at some point. The fact that we can get past that makes us even closer I believe. It hurts thinking about why I've lost some people, most (not all) could easily be fixed by a heart-to-heart that I'm more than willing to have but the idea has not been reciprocated. I know that means they aren't meant to be a current part of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that it does hurt. Doesn't matter, they may not know or believe this but if ever any of them ever needed me I'd be there in a heartbeat because of how important they once were.
Looking back on all this, I can't help but wonder: would things be different now if part or all of this hadn't have happened in my past? Would I have been able to just start becoming spontaneous in many aspects of my life? I wouldn't have Tank if I wasn't so I wouldn't have my only furbaby. I wouldn't have bought Cleo either (I miss my Little Bit). Would I be so open to meeting new people? I don't think I would have gone bowling recently with a group of people I only know because they are regulars where I work if I didn't feel the need to meet new people and surround myself with people who just want to enjoy life. Would I guard myself, unlike I used to so that I know if someone is worth having my trust? Doubtful, I was a naive thing for a long time.
The last 6 1/2 years have made me feel more worldly (though, I haven't traveled much at all). Maybe "somewhat wise" is the phrase I'm looking for. I've had some interesting experiences, most of which happened between July and now. Not all of them were great, but some were amazing. However, I wouldn't trade any of it.
Because of all this, I have what I have now. The strongest friendships I've ever had with people who will always be there and vice versa. My own little family of me and my furbaby who makes me smile everyday of my life. A job, that while doesn't keep my wallet full, makes me happy at the end of the day and has let me meet some awesome people. And an amazing man who knows about my somewhat screwed up past; he accepts me with all my quirks and insecurities and makes me beautiful, safe, and loved. I fell for him hard and fast. Four months and I can't even sleep without him next to me anymore. It's insane.
Maybe none of this will last forever, maybe it will. All I know is that honestly I've never been happier. And I know things wouldn't be this way if my past hadn't set me on this path.
I know the introduction to this post is still a little unnerving and possibly odd to some. The point was making a complete circle. I'm amazingly happy and that experience wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have gotten to this place in my life. Crazy, huh? Maybe I would never know what it was like to make love. Ugh, ok even to me that phrase is awkward and cliche haha. Oh well, it is what it is.
I'm off to bed hopefully. The boyfriend, his friends, and I are headed to the river tomorrow for a weekend of floating, camping, and drinking. Finally! Time away from the craziness of real life :-D Huh, oddly enough this fits under Thankful Thursdays (yeah yeah I realize it's 4:30 Friday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still Thursday lol).
G'night lovelies!
Love!!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
A personal and painful confession
Let me start this by saying, I know my mother and brother will probably read this, along with others who are close to me, and will not like what they are about to read. This is somewhat of a warning. If you don't want your picture of me as a strong, independent person who always has and always will deal with all of life's hardships in a rational way, please don't continue reading this. This is personal confession, and its extremely hard for me to write and make public. Don't judge me on my past and what I still fight with every day. With that said, here we go.
The other day, someone close to me was telling me about their past with a mutual friend of ours. This person told me that the friend supposedly cut themselves to get attention in a rough situation. They continued to say that they could never understand why someone would do that to themselves and they would never deal with someone who did.
This broke my heart.
People deal with pain, rejection, failure, etc. in many different ways. Most people can go through life and more or less accept what comes at them. Others cannot. Some do not know how to deal with these things that are part of every day life. You may think they are desperate for attention or being selfish, but honestly, most of the time they aren't.
I have known many people who were or currently are self-mutilators. They don't tell people, they get caught. One of the strongest people I have ever met, once had covered their body in over 200 cuts. They hid it. One day someone figured it out. This person still has issues with different types of self-mutilation, but fights it off every time they get the urge. They've learned how to deal in a different way.
Oddly enough, other ways can be more detrimental. I've seen so many people turn to drugs or alcohol after being found out. That ruins lives faster than anything else. It also directly affects those around you in how you act while under the influence.
Self-mutilators don't always have a mental disorder, such as depression or bi-polarism either; although, there is a good chance that in most cases the person does have at least a slight case of one or the other. Most often than not, these people internalize their problems.
I'm one of those people who internalize things. I have a hard time telling people that I'm upset, especially if they are the person that I'm upset with. I let it all pile up. I can handle a lot, but over time it adds up. This usually leads to a big problem that shouldn't have even come up. I don't like hurting others, I don't like telling them they're wrong or they've done something to hurt me even when it's small. At the time, I feel it isn't a big deal and I will get over it eventually. While I may get over it, it eventually comes back up if things continue to happen.
You would think the little things would be the easiest to talk about, but they aren't. They make me feel like I seem petty, however, I know it would be better to look that way for a short time than like a crazy person later on.
I say all this because I used to be one of these people. When things got to tough or too much to deal with, I would handle it by releasing my pain physically. I don't have scars. You could search my body over and never find evidence of this behavior. Like I said before, people know how to hide it.
I'm not saying this for pity, because believe me, the few people that saw the evidence of it made me feel awful about myself and my decision to do it. I'm finally saying it because you never know people as well as you think you do. You don't know how the things you say or do affect them. No, I don't do it anymore. Yes, I do struggle with the urge occasionally, but very rarely. I've found other ways to deal: working out, Tank, writing. I still have a very hard time telling people they've upset or hurt me. It seems to always cause more problems. That is most likely because I don't know how to breach the subject gently.
Personally though, I feel I shouldn't have to worry about someone else's feelings if I'm telling them that they have wronged me. If it was a misunderstanding, tell me so. I'm not going to throw a tantrum, I'll just tell you my point of view. Don't tell me I'm being stupid or too sensitive, that will make the situation worse. Just because something doesn't or wouldn't bother one person, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.
I know it is hard for people to understand why others to this to themselves. Those people seem weak and selfish, and I can understand that point of view. I just wish for once, someone would try to see things from the "alternative" view. We internalize. We're afraid. We don't feel good about what we've done. We don't want you to know. For me, the physical pain was much easier to deal with than emotional. It was like the act released it from my body temporarily. It's not a healthy way to deal. It doesn't make life easier, and doesn't make the issues go away.
Between this and the ways I deal now, I did try alcohol to a point. Other than giving me a few nights of blackness, it didn't help at all and left me with painful headaches the next day. Those around me knew what I was doing and worried about me. I didn't put myself in compromising situations or drive, but it was still extremely stupid. I've lost a few people I care about very very much because of this behavior. I may still have a beer or two after a rough day, but I don't try to deal that way anymore. It wasn't worth making myself sick, having headaches, or losing people. Nothing is worth that.
The reason I am posting this and making my personal battle public is because people don't realize that by judging those who do these things, they could very possibly be making it worse. Don't condemn them, talk to them, find out what's bothering them so much that it could drive them to this behavior. The answer could be surprisingly simple and easily dealt with or complex enough that they need to seek professional advice. I realize most people think that anyone who hurts themselves needs professional help, but that's not the answer for everyone. I don't think I could sit there face-to-face with a complete stranger and tell them my problems. I'm afraid they will judge me or tell me I'm being stupid. And yes, I realize that they cannot openly say that, but they can think it. I'm thankful I have a handful of people who realize I struggle with little things and will listen even if I need to bitch about something that may be insignificant to them.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell the person who made me feel I needed to write this the truth. I don't want them to worry about every little thing, that maybe it could make me relapse. Because it isn't like that. Yes, I have tiny urges at times, but when that happens I grab a cigarette and try to come up with some way to get my mind off of it. Usually I end up online or working on my book. Sometimes I go to the gym. Sometimes I just cry. Every situation is different, as is every solution.
Judgement isn't the solution, it doesn't help the person. Compassion and a shoulder to lean on are the best things to offer. They do so much more than you could ever dream. It could save a life, in all meanings of the phrase.
The other day, someone close to me was telling me about their past with a mutual friend of ours. This person told me that the friend supposedly cut themselves to get attention in a rough situation. They continued to say that they could never understand why someone would do that to themselves and they would never deal with someone who did.
This broke my heart.
People deal with pain, rejection, failure, etc. in many different ways. Most people can go through life and more or less accept what comes at them. Others cannot. Some do not know how to deal with these things that are part of every day life. You may think they are desperate for attention or being selfish, but honestly, most of the time they aren't.
I have known many people who were or currently are self-mutilators. They don't tell people, they get caught. One of the strongest people I have ever met, once had covered their body in over 200 cuts. They hid it. One day someone figured it out. This person still has issues with different types of self-mutilation, but fights it off every time they get the urge. They've learned how to deal in a different way.
Oddly enough, other ways can be more detrimental. I've seen so many people turn to drugs or alcohol after being found out. That ruins lives faster than anything else. It also directly affects those around you in how you act while under the influence.
Self-mutilators don't always have a mental disorder, such as depression or bi-polarism either; although, there is a good chance that in most cases the person does have at least a slight case of one or the other. Most often than not, these people internalize their problems.
I'm one of those people who internalize things. I have a hard time telling people that I'm upset, especially if they are the person that I'm upset with. I let it all pile up. I can handle a lot, but over time it adds up. This usually leads to a big problem that shouldn't have even come up. I don't like hurting others, I don't like telling them they're wrong or they've done something to hurt me even when it's small. At the time, I feel it isn't a big deal and I will get over it eventually. While I may get over it, it eventually comes back up if things continue to happen.
You would think the little things would be the easiest to talk about, but they aren't. They make me feel like I seem petty, however, I know it would be better to look that way for a short time than like a crazy person later on.
I say all this because I used to be one of these people. When things got to tough or too much to deal with, I would handle it by releasing my pain physically. I don't have scars. You could search my body over and never find evidence of this behavior. Like I said before, people know how to hide it.
I'm not saying this for pity, because believe me, the few people that saw the evidence of it made me feel awful about myself and my decision to do it. I'm finally saying it because you never know people as well as you think you do. You don't know how the things you say or do affect them. No, I don't do it anymore. Yes, I do struggle with the urge occasionally, but very rarely. I've found other ways to deal: working out, Tank, writing. I still have a very hard time telling people they've upset or hurt me. It seems to always cause more problems. That is most likely because I don't know how to breach the subject gently.
Personally though, I feel I shouldn't have to worry about someone else's feelings if I'm telling them that they have wronged me. If it was a misunderstanding, tell me so. I'm not going to throw a tantrum, I'll just tell you my point of view. Don't tell me I'm being stupid or too sensitive, that will make the situation worse. Just because something doesn't or wouldn't bother one person, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.
I know it is hard for people to understand why others to this to themselves. Those people seem weak and selfish, and I can understand that point of view. I just wish for once, someone would try to see things from the "alternative" view. We internalize. We're afraid. We don't feel good about what we've done. We don't want you to know. For me, the physical pain was much easier to deal with than emotional. It was like the act released it from my body temporarily. It's not a healthy way to deal. It doesn't make life easier, and doesn't make the issues go away.
Between this and the ways I deal now, I did try alcohol to a point. Other than giving me a few nights of blackness, it didn't help at all and left me with painful headaches the next day. Those around me knew what I was doing and worried about me. I didn't put myself in compromising situations or drive, but it was still extremely stupid. I've lost a few people I care about very very much because of this behavior. I may still have a beer or two after a rough day, but I don't try to deal that way anymore. It wasn't worth making myself sick, having headaches, or losing people. Nothing is worth that.
The reason I am posting this and making my personal battle public is because people don't realize that by judging those who do these things, they could very possibly be making it worse. Don't condemn them, talk to them, find out what's bothering them so much that it could drive them to this behavior. The answer could be surprisingly simple and easily dealt with or complex enough that they need to seek professional advice. I realize most people think that anyone who hurts themselves needs professional help, but that's not the answer for everyone. I don't think I could sit there face-to-face with a complete stranger and tell them my problems. I'm afraid they will judge me or tell me I'm being stupid. And yes, I realize that they cannot openly say that, but they can think it. I'm thankful I have a handful of people who realize I struggle with little things and will listen even if I need to bitch about something that may be insignificant to them.
I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell the person who made me feel I needed to write this the truth. I don't want them to worry about every little thing, that maybe it could make me relapse. Because it isn't like that. Yes, I have tiny urges at times, but when that happens I grab a cigarette and try to come up with some way to get my mind off of it. Usually I end up online or working on my book. Sometimes I go to the gym. Sometimes I just cry. Every situation is different, as is every solution.
Judgement isn't the solution, it doesn't help the person. Compassion and a shoulder to lean on are the best things to offer. They do so much more than you could ever dream. It could save a life, in all meanings of the phrase.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Pt2: Dating peeves
Yesterday I ranted about every day pet peeves. Today, it's dating pet peeves. These are basically deal breakers for me. All are things that I have pissed me off in past relationships, and I refuse to deal with them now or in the future. Don't like it? Move on.
Being straight out rude to my friends/family. I understand people have issues with other people, I do. But let's be nice to those I care about in front of me. Unless they purposely provoke you, pissing me off isn't going to be worth your time. I'm a bitch. You probably know this already, but you will send me into super bitch mode. They were here before you, and chances are they will be here after you. They are part of what has shaped me into who I am, so if you really do care about me you should be thankful for them.
Dropping off the face of the planet. Dear god, what don't guys understand that this is NO WAY to keep a girl interested. You are all awesome and wanna hang out all the time, and then out of nowhere you don't talk to me or show up in social settings. I've had so many guys get mad when I lose interest because of this. Do you expect me to just sit around waiting on you? Sorry, if you act like you aren't interested anymore, I won't be. I understand things come up, shit happens. Give me some indication you're still interested. Don't wait until I'm talking to someone else to decide to tell me you want to be with me. I'm not going to come running back. I'll be your friend and that's about it.
Those stupid flirt/dating apps. OMG!!! This caused a major rift a little over a year ago, and I will not compromise on it. You're seeing someone. How's about we don't use a singles app to flirt. If you don't want to flirt with me, leave! That is the equivalent of flirting with other girls in person. I saw what was said the last time this happened, and let's just say he had every right to hide it from me. That's a form of cheating. If you can't show me because you know it will bother me, you shouldn't be doing it. I stop "talking" to all other guys when I'm with someone, why can't you do the same? If you can do it, I can do it. And I'm worse. Having a vagina usually means the person is a lot better at flirting and teasing and whatnot. And trust me, I know how. Let's not cause super bitch here.
Not giving me girl time. I need time to be a girl. Don't get me wrong I like spending time with you, but I go a lil nuts when I don't get to see my girls. They keep me grounded. And it makes you seem clingy if you don't spend time with the guys. Clingy is bad. I get resentful and well my girls get mad. Not fun to deal with.
Arguing about stupid shit. Yeah if I have to explain this one, you're hopeless.
Not going on dates. This is what has helped kill ummmmm all of my relationships. God, take to me to dinner every now and then, show me off. If you're ashamed and don't want to, leave. I don't need gourmet food to be happy. Hell, take me to McDonald's but make it fun. Fun is all that matters. Take me dancing. This gets you points. I love to go dancing. Picnic, walks, sitting under the stars in the middle of nowhere, etc etc etc. There are SOOOO many things you can do.
Ugh I have a lot more, but these are my major ones. The rest I can deal with to a point. Sadly, these are pretty universal but a lot of guys do them all... Show me one that doesn't do at least one on a regular basis... Maybe I'm too picky, but I know one day someone will be able to live up to this. I'll be patient. Ish. lol
Notice I make no mention of ex's? I don't have a problem with ex's as long as they don't cause a problem for us. I still talk to most of mine, they were friends before we dated. Why can't we be friends after?
I gotta get out of the apartment, it's too pretty outside.
Beware the Ides of March!
Love!!!
Being straight out rude to my friends/family. I understand people have issues with other people, I do. But let's be nice to those I care about in front of me. Unless they purposely provoke you, pissing me off isn't going to be worth your time. I'm a bitch. You probably know this already, but you will send me into super bitch mode. They were here before you, and chances are they will be here after you. They are part of what has shaped me into who I am, so if you really do care about me you should be thankful for them.
Dropping off the face of the planet. Dear god, what don't guys understand that this is NO WAY to keep a girl interested. You are all awesome and wanna hang out all the time, and then out of nowhere you don't talk to me or show up in social settings. I've had so many guys get mad when I lose interest because of this. Do you expect me to just sit around waiting on you? Sorry, if you act like you aren't interested anymore, I won't be. I understand things come up, shit happens. Give me some indication you're still interested. Don't wait until I'm talking to someone else to decide to tell me you want to be with me. I'm not going to come running back. I'll be your friend and that's about it.
Those stupid flirt/dating apps. OMG!!! This caused a major rift a little over a year ago, and I will not compromise on it. You're seeing someone. How's about we don't use a singles app to flirt. If you don't want to flirt with me, leave! That is the equivalent of flirting with other girls in person. I saw what was said the last time this happened, and let's just say he had every right to hide it from me. That's a form of cheating. If you can't show me because you know it will bother me, you shouldn't be doing it. I stop "talking" to all other guys when I'm with someone, why can't you do the same? If you can do it, I can do it. And I'm worse. Having a vagina usually means the person is a lot better at flirting and teasing and whatnot. And trust me, I know how. Let's not cause super bitch here.
Not giving me girl time. I need time to be a girl. Don't get me wrong I like spending time with you, but I go a lil nuts when I don't get to see my girls. They keep me grounded. And it makes you seem clingy if you don't spend time with the guys. Clingy is bad. I get resentful and well my girls get mad. Not fun to deal with.
Arguing about stupid shit. Yeah if I have to explain this one, you're hopeless.
Not going on dates. This is what has helped kill ummmmm all of my relationships. God, take to me to dinner every now and then, show me off. If you're ashamed and don't want to, leave. I don't need gourmet food to be happy. Hell, take me to McDonald's but make it fun. Fun is all that matters. Take me dancing. This gets you points. I love to go dancing. Picnic, walks, sitting under the stars in the middle of nowhere, etc etc etc. There are SOOOO many things you can do.
Ugh I have a lot more, but these are my major ones. The rest I can deal with to a point. Sadly, these are pretty universal but a lot of guys do them all... Show me one that doesn't do at least one on a regular basis... Maybe I'm too picky, but I know one day someone will be able to live up to this. I'll be patient. Ish. lol
Notice I make no mention of ex's? I don't have a problem with ex's as long as they don't cause a problem for us. I still talk to most of mine, they were friends before we dated. Why can't we be friends after?
I gotta get out of the apartment, it's too pretty outside.
Beware the Ides of March!
Love!!!
Monday, November 28, 2011
Two Days
Two days...
Two days until they cut into Meme's head...
Two days until they cut into Meme's head and roto-rooter her main artery...
I was finally given a date for Meme's surgery: Tuesday. I'm more nervous than she is, I think. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with the thought of this.
A lil background...
Meme is my paternal grandmother, and the only grandparent I have left. When I was younger, I spent the majority of my summers in Tulsa at her house. We'd go swimming, shopping, camping, watch movies, cook, read, take walks, and just sit and talk.
She basically raised my brother and I for half of our childhood. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. Not now.
A little over two years ago, my mother's uncle died. He treated my brother and I like we were grandchildren. He was, in fact, the only grandfather we really knew on that side of the family. It was very sudden. One month we were told he had to have a mucus ball removed from his lung, and not much later we were visiting him in the hospital as he was dying of lung cancer. It took until the following July for his daughters to start going through the house. I ended up with many of his wife's elephants that she has spent her life collecting from around the world. Granny Barb had died several years before that from the same type of lung cancer.
I say all this to explain why I wouldn't be able to handle a bad outcome. I only just recently found out about her issues, so I still haven't quite gotten over the initial shock. She means the world to me. I'd lose it if I lost her.
Prayers, thoughts, good juju, whatever you do and believe in would be much appreciated.
Love!!
Two days until they cut into Meme's head...
Two days until they cut into Meme's head and roto-rooter her main artery...
I was finally given a date for Meme's surgery: Tuesday. I'm more nervous than she is, I think. I'm not entirely sure how to deal with the thought of this.
A lil background...
Meme is my paternal grandmother, and the only grandparent I have left. When I was younger, I spent the majority of my summers in Tulsa at her house. We'd go swimming, shopping, camping, watch movies, cook, read, take walks, and just sit and talk.
She basically raised my brother and I for half of our childhood. I don't know what I would do if I lost her. Not now.
A little over two years ago, my mother's uncle died. He treated my brother and I like we were grandchildren. He was, in fact, the only grandfather we really knew on that side of the family. It was very sudden. One month we were told he had to have a mucus ball removed from his lung, and not much later we were visiting him in the hospital as he was dying of lung cancer. It took until the following July for his daughters to start going through the house. I ended up with many of his wife's elephants that she has spent her life collecting from around the world. Granny Barb had died several years before that from the same type of lung cancer.
I say all this to explain why I wouldn't be able to handle a bad outcome. I only just recently found out about her issues, so I still haven't quite gotten over the initial shock. She means the world to me. I'd lose it if I lost her.
 |
| Bubba and Meme |
Prayers, thoughts, good juju, whatever you do and believe in would be much appreciated.
Love!!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Uncertain Truths
These past few weeks have been very trying times for me. Hopefully I will soon be able to share some of this with you my friends, but I haven't seen the end of it all and don't want to make much out things that could be insignificant.
I have, however, come to some realizations about myself that I felt have changed me somewhat. If you don't mind, I want to share some of these things with you. You all have come to know me so well, some even better than I know myself, and have shared some of your innermost secrets and feelings with me, so I feel I owe it to you to do the same.
My beliefs have become very convoluted and mixed. I believe in the power of the earth. I believe we are not alone but what else there could be eludes me. I believe that we must respect our place here on earth and respect the earth itself. At times, I feel so insignificant that I cannot seem to even imagine where I fit in in this complex and enormous universe.
My past has also come back to haunt me quite a bit lately. Things that I thought I had blocked out or forgot have come rushing back. I've realized how messed up my mind really is at times because of these things. I am damaged. I have issues. Yes, we all are and we all do, but I can't seem to come to terms with my past. Every time I think I've got it under control, I lose it. I don't think anyone really knows everything I've been through. It scares me to share with anyone. I'm afraid people won't respect me or will blame me for these things.
Part of me thinks I will never find someone who can accept me with all my baggage. Who won't judge or hold things against me when I do or say odd things. Like, there are days I need to be completely alone. No human interaction, no pups, nothing. For some reason that offends people. Yes, these tend to be the days I lock myself away and just cry. There really isn't a reason, it just happens. Or what I like to call "my moods." I get severely depressed at times, for unknown reasons. I can't explain what's wrong because I don't know.
I'm ready to settle down but at the same time, I'm afraid to lose my independence. I don't want to have to answer to anyone. I hate being questioned about what I'm doing or who I'm talking to or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need someone who can keep up with me but stand back and let me be me at the same time.
I miss the country. Give me trees and dirt and (eek) bugs over all this concrete any day. I miss being able to clearly see the stars and walk in the grass barefooted. I need room to roam and escape. I'm a country girl at heart, as much as I love the city. I am high maintenance for a country girl, I like my clothes, shoes, jewelry, and electronics. But I can have all this without living in the middle of town. Without having to worry about waking my neighbors when I decide I want to have 50 people over to drink and have a good time.
I have to have a nightlife or I go crazy. I'm talkin, bar one night, club the next, and naked pool beer pong the next! Here lately, my free time has been spent drinking and partying. Yes, I know I'm getting too old to do this all the time, but I don't care. I crave the atmosphere. I'm not one to sit at home every night watching television or the like. I can't sit still. I'd rather sleep all day and be up all night.
Maybe I've always known these things about myself. Maybe I just need to get them out there and accept it all. I feel like there is more to life than what I have been dealt and I want it all. I want my own family, my nightlife, my country-in-stilettos dream. I want to be accepted for the screwed up person I am and not be questioned because of my beliefs or past experiences.
So there is what has been eating at me. It feels good to get some of that out there. I have some catching up to do on all of your blogs and I promise to get on that pronto. As soon as I get my a/c fixed. AGAIN. This computer kills me when it's hot in my house.
Hope y'all are having wonderful weekends. Give the kiddos hugs for me when they head back to school.
G'night lovelies, and thank you for being here for me. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.
Love!!
I have, however, come to some realizations about myself that I felt have changed me somewhat. If you don't mind, I want to share some of these things with you. You all have come to know me so well, some even better than I know myself, and have shared some of your innermost secrets and feelings with me, so I feel I owe it to you to do the same.
My beliefs have become very convoluted and mixed. I believe in the power of the earth. I believe we are not alone but what else there could be eludes me. I believe that we must respect our place here on earth and respect the earth itself. At times, I feel so insignificant that I cannot seem to even imagine where I fit in in this complex and enormous universe.
My past has also come back to haunt me quite a bit lately. Things that I thought I had blocked out or forgot have come rushing back. I've realized how messed up my mind really is at times because of these things. I am damaged. I have issues. Yes, we all are and we all do, but I can't seem to come to terms with my past. Every time I think I've got it under control, I lose it. I don't think anyone really knows everything I've been through. It scares me to share with anyone. I'm afraid people won't respect me or will blame me for these things.
Part of me thinks I will never find someone who can accept me with all my baggage. Who won't judge or hold things against me when I do or say odd things. Like, there are days I need to be completely alone. No human interaction, no pups, nothing. For some reason that offends people. Yes, these tend to be the days I lock myself away and just cry. There really isn't a reason, it just happens. Or what I like to call "my moods." I get severely depressed at times, for unknown reasons. I can't explain what's wrong because I don't know.
I'm ready to settle down but at the same time, I'm afraid to lose my independence. I don't want to have to answer to anyone. I hate being questioned about what I'm doing or who I'm talking to or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need someone who can keep up with me but stand back and let me be me at the same time.
I miss the country. Give me trees and dirt and (eek) bugs over all this concrete any day. I miss being able to clearly see the stars and walk in the grass barefooted. I need room to roam and escape. I'm a country girl at heart, as much as I love the city. I am high maintenance for a country girl, I like my clothes, shoes, jewelry, and electronics. But I can have all this without living in the middle of town. Without having to worry about waking my neighbors when I decide I want to have 50 people over to drink and have a good time.
I have to have a nightlife or I go crazy. I'm talkin, bar one night, club the next, and naked pool beer pong the next! Here lately, my free time has been spent drinking and partying. Yes, I know I'm getting too old to do this all the time, but I don't care. I crave the atmosphere. I'm not one to sit at home every night watching television or the like. I can't sit still. I'd rather sleep all day and be up all night.
Maybe I've always known these things about myself. Maybe I just need to get them out there and accept it all. I feel like there is more to life than what I have been dealt and I want it all. I want my own family, my nightlife, my country-in-stilettos dream. I want to be accepted for the screwed up person I am and not be questioned because of my beliefs or past experiences.
So there is what has been eating at me. It feels good to get some of that out there. I have some catching up to do on all of your blogs and I promise to get on that pronto. As soon as I get my a/c fixed. AGAIN. This computer kills me when it's hot in my house.
Hope y'all are having wonderful weekends. Give the kiddos hugs for me when they head back to school.
G'night lovelies, and thank you for being here for me. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.
Love!!
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