Saturday, January 12, 2013

Good Enough

It's been a rough few days.  I've come to realize I'm not good enough.  I'm not good enough to have a steady job.  I'm not good enough for most people to stick by me.  I'm not even good enough for the person I love.  I'm just not.

People keep telling me that to be good enough for other people, I have to be good enough for me.

Why?  I've been completely broken and fucked up.  How am I ever going to be good enough for me?  I let someone rip me limb from limb and went back asking for more.  I handed them my heart and soul and very being on silver platter to do what they wished with.  And they did.  They destroyed me.

Why is it that I've finally been able to trust again and open up, and that isn't good enough?  I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to even go out in public (even to this day), let alone let anyone in my life.

I try.  All I want to do is make those around me happy.  That is what makes me happy.

I was told that it's okay that I'm broken, it's okay that I'm fucked up.  That they still love me and they can handle everything that comes with that.  But can you?  Can you handle the constant nightmares?  The random panic attacks?  The days I don't want to be touched?  My severe mood swings?  The fact that I can be extremely needy for no reason at all (I can't even explain it)?  That I hate being alone, especially at night?  That I'm afraid of it?

Honestly, even my closest friends can't handle all that.  I just need someone to see all of this and say "It's going to be hard, but you're going to get through this.  And I'll be there every step of the way.  Even through the difficult times, I'll be there no matter what.  I'll love you no matter what."

I really don't think I can do this on my own anymore.  It's just made it worse.  But I can't talk to anyone about it.  My friends think it means I'm not over that person.  And I don't like bringing up what happened to my boyfriend or that I'm still always hurting (no matter how badly I need to talk about it) because I see the hurt in his eyes.

The sad thing is, even when I'm hurting more than ever, all he has to do is take me in his arms and I calm down.  My mind stops screaming.  The nightmares are bearable.  I can't do that for him though.  I can't do that for anyone. 

Maybe they won't let me.  I don't know.  Honestly though, it hurts more anything that has been done to me to know that I can't.  I finally found people that I trust again yet I still feel worthless.

I've given them my heart.  My trust.  My energy.  My time.  And in one case, my body.  Everything I have to give.  But it's not enough. 

All I want is to be good enough... And because I'm broken, I never will be...

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A New Year

It has been awhile since I posted much in the way of personal stories on here, lately my posts have been more political.  While that is personal to me, it probably bores most of you.  I can understand that.  My friends get tired of hearing it too.  It's just how I am.

I hope to get back to more personal things now.  Of course I will have my rants, that's just me.

This year is a new start for me.  I'm finally coming to terms with some of the things the ex did to me and have realized that it has drastically affected me.  I finally told a doctor that I have had panic attacks since my sexual assault (left out the physical assault and infidelity parts).  Granted, it was just my GCP, but he thinks I may have PTSD.  With the help of the boyfriend, I have finally made the decision to seek help in sorting it all out and fixing myself.  I know I can't do it alone anymore.  That made it worse.  I intend to start writing out my thoughts and feelings while I go through this on here, partially as a catharsis, partially because I know I am not the only person who has been through something like this.  If I can help someone else, even if just by showing them they aren't the only one who's been wronged this way, it will be worth it.

I also want to get healthier this year.  I was doing so well with my weight loss last year; I got down to 160!  Then I started gaining again.  I'm back to around 200, which disgusts me.  I know I can do better.  Honestly, it's not the number that bothers me, but the inches and that I'm completely out of shape.  So I'm going to keep an update going for myself on here.  The fact that this is public may make me more accountable.

I have several crafty projects started that I really want to finish.  My aunt is going to help me with my crochet technique, so hopefully I can become good enough to start selling a few things here and there.  I plan to sell some of my photos that I've had hidden away for awhile, so look for that!  Honestly, I have a few really good ones.  I'd love to share them with fellow art lovers.

Finally, I am moving out of Norman in the middle of the year.  I want to make a new start with people I know I can count on.  Oddly enough, the boyfriend and I had both made plans to move to the same city before meeting each other.  Fate works in mysterious ways, huh?  It's a new adventure!  He's going to opening a new store in the chain he works for.  I hope to start the trek to getting my Masters' in Forensic Psychology.  It should all make for some interesting stories to share.  Considering I'm moving in with Bee, one of my best friends from high school, I should have quite a few hilarious things to let you in on.

All in all, I want to get this page going again and possibly change it up here and there.  I want to bring back Obscure Mondays (I even have a few movies already lined up for it!), WTF or Wine Wednesdays, and possibly Thankful Thursdays.  One step at a time though.

I have missed you my bloggie friends.  I have missed your support.  I have missed out on so much in your lives.  I hope to change that.

For now, it's off to bed.  Have to get up early and make that money.