Sunday, January 30, 2011

30 Days of Truth--Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know

This topic is rather difficult.  There are many people I wish I hadn't met in my life but I know that even the littlest change could change my present.  However, there is one person that I think what little influence they could have possibly had would not change my current happiness.

In high school there was a girl that seemed to thrive on the drama she caused others.  She would pretend to be friends with you one day and stab you in the back the next.  She often times would tell people she was pregnant with the child of another girl's boyfriend.  Her favorite target seemed to be me.  She would tell people I was cheating on my boyfriend, that I bad mouthed my good friends, that I was a slut (with fake stories), that sort of thing. 

The day my grandmother died she told everyone, including myself, that I deserved for her to die.  She said I was a horrible person.

My high school career was drama filled because of the things she would say about me.  I wanted to leave Fort Gibson so badly that my mother considered leaving her excellent new job just to get me out of there.  The treatment that her rumors got me led me to contemplate and even attempt suicide a few times.  Graduating was the best thing I ever did for myself there.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

30 Days of Truth--Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted

Day 9: Someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted
Oh goodness, so many people fall in this category.  I've had many people come in and go out of my life in the short 23 years I've been alive.  I know there is a saying that people will always come and go in your life, it's just the time period that changes.  Some people are meant to stay until one of you leaves this life.  Some people are meant to be a big part of your life for a few years or more and then leave.  Others only fleetingly come into your life.  All of them make a difference, and almost all of them are hard for me to let go.

First is my high school best friend Lacey.  She and I were so close our first couple years.  Every weekend we were at each others houses.  We would perfect card games while watching B-rated movies.  We got our first job together at Simple Simon's Pizza, and then worked together for a short time at Red Lobster.  We basically had two sets of parents and two homes.  Junior year she went to Vo-Tech in the afternoons and got a crazy boyfriend (who she later married and then divorced).  We slowly grew apart.  We had our drama throughout high school, usually about boys.  I missed her.  We both started to hang out with new people.  I joined color guard and become somewhat of a band geek (not very much so).  We still talk occasionally, but not very much.  She lives in Muskogee with her two sons, stepsons, and new husband who I have never met.  I miss her a lot.

My friend Kevin.  I've known him for about 10 years now.  We met at church camp and were basically inseparable the entire week.  We then went about 3 years before we saw or talked to each other again.  When we did, it was again at church camp and it was like we hadn't missed a beat.  I had had surgery a few weeks before camp, so I couldn't do many of the activities I usually did at camp.  He sat around with me and kept me company all week.  After that, we talked all the time.  At one point we almost dated.  Part of me regrets never getting the chance to see what that was like, but at the same time our lives wouldn't be where they are now.  We still talk occasionally, but after I broke his heart he has become somewhat distant.  I visit him as often as I can when I go home, but that ends up being about once or twice a year.

Monday, January 24, 2011

30 Days of Truth--Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 8: Someone who has made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
This one is really hard for me to talk about.  When I was young, I was the biggest daddy's girl you would ever meet.  He wasn't home most weekends, but when he was I was always by his side.  I wanted to be just like him.  He has been self-employed most of my life, but always worked long hours.  He didn't take a day off for anything.  Unless I was sick.  He would call his customers and reschedule repair jobs (if they could be postponed).  I remember he would make me tea with honey and lemon to help me get better.  I hated having lemon in my tea, but he tried to get me to enjoy it enough to help.  I drink it that way now sometimes.  During the summers, he would let me go with him to work.  I knew most of his customers by the age of eight.  He even helped me to start a little business of my own changing a/c filters for local businesses to teach me responsibility.

This made what happened after we moved to Fort Gibson so much harder.  All of a sudden he wanted nothing to do with me.  He wasn't very nice; it felt like nothing I did was good enough for him.  He called me names and treated me like I was a burden.  These feelings were multiplied by the fact that I was in high school dealing with petty teenage drama.  My attitude probably didn't help things.  My mom and I didn't really get along, so I felt completely alone.

I don't remember him going to any of the plays I was in.  I think he attended one color guard competition, that wasn't even the state championships my senior year.  Even now it's hard to think about how he goes to all the football games my little brother marches in.

After I went to college, things got better but not great.  I lived 30 minutes away on campus, but he still tried to control what I did after wanting no say in my life the few years prior.  When I told him I was transferring to OU, he told me I was going to ruin my life.  He said I was making a stupid decision and end up making nothing of myself.  Since moving so much farther away, though, things have gotten much better.

When I come home now, he makes my favorite meals and takes my car in for regular maintenance.  He calls me to ask when I'm coming home and sends boxes of food with me when I leave.  He wrote me a little note not long before graduation telling me he's proud of me.  It's still on my refrigerator.

It's been too long

 Sorry I haven't posted in awhile.  Life has been somewhat hectic lately.  My 23rd birthday was Tuesday. My good friends Kyle and Marchel made me dinner and a cake.  There is apparently pictures of me with my cake on Facebook somewhere, but I haven't seen them yet.  I'll add them when I do.

After a good night with good people, Marchel and I went to the shelter the next day to possibly pick out a new puppy.  We played with sooo many puppies.  I finally picked out the cutest little pit mix ever!  We think he's part German shorthair pointer.  He has the build and face of a pit bull, but the coloring of a gsp.  He even points occassionally!  It took Roxi a little bit, but she finally accepted him.  They love to wrestle.  She's become protective of him as if he is her puppy.  The only issues we've had with him is his trend to only sleep through the night every other night and his hardheadedness when it comes to potty training.

I need to catch up with my 30 Days of Truth, but I think I will just pick up where I left off.  Keeping up a blog and chasing an ankle biter who likes to pee in the floor and climb on my computer is quite difficult.  If there is another break in my posts, that's why.

Matt and the Kids

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Happy-ish Almost Birthday to me?

It's been interesting here lately.  I went out to Partners and The Copa last night with a co-worker and her girlfriend.  I had a lot of fun.  Partners is basically just a bar where (mostly) lesbian couples go.  They have a few pool tables and a small dance floor.  It was pretty dead last night, I was told Saturdays are much better.  I enjoyed being able to sit with a beer and play pool without having to worry about us hogging the table or losing our seats.  Partners has probably the second best wait staff I've had at a bar (Sooner Legends being the best, but I'm sure it helps that we're on a first name basis with them).

At The Copa, the atmosphere was much much different.  It's a gay/lesbian dance club.  That is the first place I've ever seen old gay cowboys all decked out, one even had on a floor-length fur coat.  It was nice to see people being themselves and being comfortable with that.  Saw my first drag queen NOT in a show; actually I saw two.  Copa is a very out and crazy place.  We had jello shots and watched the near-naked male dancer (who changed his boxer briefs twice while we were there, talk about diva lol jk).  We danced and people-watched.  And of course, had several jello shots :).

I was super comfortable at both locations.  It was nice to not have to hide.  I guess I need to clarify that statement some.  I know some of my sorority sisters follow this, but I think it's time for me to be honest.  I'm bisexual.  After a big argument with a sister my first year about her belief that our sorority having open and out members would harm us, I decided to keep my sexuality to myself.  All everyone knows/knew is that I'm dating Matt and have been for years.  I'm head over heels for that boy, that hasn't changed; he isn't some sort of cover or anything, I genuinely love him with all my heart.  I've never been attracted to any of my sisters, they have always been like real sisters to me.  I feel like I've been hiding a large part of myself from the majority of those who know me, so this is my "coming out" I guess.  It needed to be done.  You can't really know me without knowing such big part of my personality.

Anyway, today I've been lazy.  I'm not hungover, but I just haven't felt the need or drive to do anything.  After chillin with Matt's boss and her two pits, I brought him home.  I cooked some kickass baked spaghetti!  It's basically veggie spaghetti since I didn't have any hamburger meat.

I've decided I'm getting another pit puppy.  Matt and I have been talking about getting another dog.  We had almost agreed upon the scottish terrier breed, but those dogs always get adopted and have homes.  Pit bulls do not.  There is a beautiful blue brindle pup that Tia Torres of Villalobos Rescue Center (aka Pitbulls and Parolees) has on her website.  I am in love with this baby girl.

I'm actually watching the newest episode.  I'm in tears watching them evacuate the dogs to save them from a wildfire.  I'd die if I had to fight to evacuate Roxi to save her life.  Tia is so attached to those dogs.  Her heart and courage always astound me.  She is definitely one of my heroes.  Her work is one of my inspirations to create a pit bull rescue.

Well, Imma get off here to finish this episode and enjoy my hard smoothie :)


Monday, January 10, 2011


Today was an off day.  I work at CSL Plasma and we closed early today.  Normally I'd love that but the weather is horrendous right now: icy rain, minute snow flurries, and fucking cold.  I haven't been sleeping well either.

My neurologist finally saw me the other day.  He was not the best doctor I've ever seen.  Ever watched House?  Yeah, when it comes to patient contact, mine was way more afraid of it.  I mumbled and sat across the room with his head behind a laptop.  He also didn't order my CT results so had no idea what they showed.  I was told they were clear, but its the principle of the thing.  All he did was poke me with a sharp stick (to make sure my nerves felt sharp supposedly) and prescribe me some anti-seizure medicine.  He said it would help me sleep and relax my nerves.  So far both are a fail.  However, it does make me sleep deep enough (when I actually get to sleep) that I talk in my sleep and carry on coherent conversations.

I'm still sick.  I feel like I'll never get over this crud.  I'm coughing and sneezing and am congested.  It sucks.  I think I'm gonna try to go to bed now to get over it...

Oh, slowly making my way through the 30 Days of Truth.  It's getting a lot more personal than I anticipated.  Please forgive me for anything that is incriminating or makes me look horrible.  This is a type of catharsis for me so I'm trying to clear my conscious.  I'll probably open up more as I go through it.  Hopefully.

Night world, love!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011


So I've been reading my sister's blog aiukli, and have decided to do the 30 Days of Truth challenge.  I've realized I need to do some serious self-reflection.  I've been really confused as to where I'm heading in life and if that direction is where I really want to go.  Knowing myself better will help me better decide what is best for me.

On a less depressing note, I've found an amazing new show.  It's called The Dresden Files.  I found it on Netflix, so I'm not sure what station it's on.  If you've ever read Jim Butcher's books by the same name, you'll probably love it.  It doesn't really follow them too terribly well, but it has the same bones and if you recognize that the stories are major side stories you'll like it.

Check this out: dog toy  We are definitely ordering this for Roxi!  It should be hours of fun for everyone, Roxi included lol.  She LOVES chasing laser pointers, so this just takes the effort out of it for us lol.

Well, I guess that's all I have to say tonight.  Gonna start a new page for the 30 day challenge, so check it out.