Monday, June 13, 2016

Goodbye, my sweet friend

In a few short hours, a good friend of mine will be taken off life support.

I'm numb.

I've lost family members and friends that I've lost contact with. I've dealt with terminal illness, stupid decisions, and suicide.

I've never experienced this type of uncertainty followed by finality.

A little backstory:
My good friend and her partner were in a horrible motorcycle accident exactly a week ago. They were broadsided by a van. She wasn't wearing a helmet.

When they were rushed to the ER, they were both admitted to trauma ICU. He ended up with a few broken ribs, some spinal fractures, and a small brain bleed. He was released a day or two ago. While in the hospital, he didn't remember having a passenger until he was told. He also had some trouble with short term memory and retention.

She broke both the tibia and fibula in her right leg, some facial fractures, a collapsed lung, and fluid on her brain. She was facing amputation of her leg when she had a seizure causing the doctors to remove half her skull to relieve some of the pressure on her brain. She's been in a coma since the accident. Two days ago, her family was told there was a 95% chance that if she survived and woke up, she wouldn't be able to use or understand speech.

Last night, the family made the difficult decision of taking her off life support.

My entire social circle is devastated. She was the kindest, most shining example of what a person should be. She'd tell it like she saw it, good or bad. She loved everyone deeply, unless they gave her a damn good reason not to. Even then, she still loved those people--she just did it from a distance.

I can't imagine what her children, grandchildren, and partner are going through. They were her world, and she was their rock. It's not fair to them. Life is cruel and unforgiving, the polar opposite of her.

In a few short days, 400+ people will file into her services or wish her farewell from where they have to be that day. If that doesn't illustrate how many lives she touched, nothing will. No story or description can do her justice. There are many things in life I wish I could change, none as much as I wish I would have spent more time with her.

Rest my sweet friend. You're time is done, but your light will never be extinguished.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

IPad giveaway

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Bloggers sign up

Come and join us on this great giveaway.

July 29 to Aug. 19

We are giving away an iPad with Retina display 32GB color Black
 value $599.00

We will have a max. of 200 bloggers for sign up, it will be a big giveaway.

The RC is not long because each co-host has there own RC with their links.

Here are the details to sign up:

-Free Link (Twitter or Pinterest)  
The first 50 bloggers to sign up will get a link free with announcement. 
Announcement is require or you have to pay a waver fee of $5.00
(Please read the sign up form on the top to know if we still have free space available)

-Link/ or extra links $4.00 each (if the free spots are gone, to be part of this giveaway you will need to pay $4.00 for each link you want on the giveaway)
Announcement is require or you have to pay a waver fee of $5.00.

-Co-Host $20.00
The co-host get 2 host page.  
10 links on the RC.
No announcement require.

Please send payment to as a gift.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Moving blues and shady bosses

This whole moving business is driving me absolutely crazy!  I don't remember the last time being quite this insane... Granted I had someone helping me pack/move everything AND a new lease already signed.

I have to be out of my apartment in a week, and I don't have a place to move into or a job lined up in Tulsa... In fact, I don't even know when the BF and I are moving to Tulsa.

Okay, I guess this needs a little of explaining.  If you've followed my sporadic posts, you know I have been trying to move to Tulsa for quite some time now.  It was just lucky that when I met the BF, he was already thinking of moving there as well.  The company he works for is opening 3-6 new stores in and around Tulsa and asked him to open/run one.  Unfortunately, the owners seem to be VERY unorganized.

The first store was originally scheduled to opened almost a year and a half ago.  It still isn't open.  Official open date is now June 6th.  We'll see. 

When he first asked about possible help with moving expenses, the BF was told that the company would help with the moving truck, deposits, and first month's rent (and another employee that is being moved mentioned an offer of paying a pet deposit).  This would just leave us finding a house in a suitable neighborhood (if you know anything about the Tulsa area, you know much of the actual city is getting pretty rough in terms of the inhabitants).  I found us a PERFECT house--3 bedroom, walk-in closets, big backyard with a firepit, fireplace, gas stove in a huge kitchen (limited cabinet space, but moveable shelving can fix that), indoor/outdoor pets allowed, and the realtor loved me.  It was 5-10 minutes (depending on traffic) from where he is to start working, with a movie theatre, shopping, mall, hospital, and great restaurants in close proximity.  Near the Muskogee Turnpike and 412, so getting to both my parents' house and Meme's wouldn't be difficult.  Like I said, perfect.

The last few weeks, he's been getting the run-around when it comes to getting all the assistance finalized.

Enter yesterday....

He finally gets a hold of the majority owner of the company who is in charge of all the financial aspects... Said owner offers to only help pay half of the moving truck costs... This is after he offered the previous offer to the other employee they are moving to the stores (said employee had already paid all the costs themselves).  His reasoning?  The BF seemed set on the idea of moving to Tulsa before they offered him a store.

Wait... What???  He had entertained the idea of moving somewhere, but never told his employers.  When offered the chance to run a store, he jumped at it.

How is it that you offer one employee full assistance but won't offer the same or even close to it to someone who has jumped at every chance they have been given for more responsibility?  You fire the GM and instead of bringing someone in, you have him take on more without a raise.  Yet they aren't valuable enough to pay for them to move to open your new store?  Another fact, the other employee is female.  One can make the strong argument of sexist policies with this.

I'm just so frustrated...

The BF has a two-step idea to get things paid for: letter, then get his sister involved (apparently she has quite a bit of experience in this sort of situation, I'm not sure what she even does).  I have a three-step idea: his two, and if neither of those work, let me talk to them.  I can be pretty convincing if need be.  Now if you're wondering what I mean by a "letter", it's pretty simple: voice his concerns about what his pay will be, which store will be his, what official policies are for the above situation, etc, ending with a phrase similar to "I look forward to the opportunity to grow with this company and take on more responsibility in the hopes of moving up, however, I must also consider what is best for me financially, career-wise, and for my personal well-being as time goes on."  I think that gets the point across that he wants to stay with them, but is willing to look elsewhere if they continue to screw him over.  I told him to start hinting to his coworkers about other job prospects without saying anything specific.  I know at least one person will run to the owners.  While he can't say he's looking for another job outright without jeopardizing his current position, he can make them think there is a possibility of losing someone they couldn't have been without the last few months.

To top all of this, my last day at my current job is tomorrow... I have a few prospects for jobs if we'll be here for a few more weeks, one temp job and one part to full-time job.  I may just take both if I get the nod.  Gotta save up the monies if we're going to have to pay for everything ourselves...  And without rent to worry about that shouldn't take too long.

I don't have my kiddos at the moment either... Sugar (my cat) is at a friend's house (got caught with her and she isn't on my lease... oops...).  Tank is at mom and dad's.  I hate not having them.  They make me so happy, even when they are being difficult.  They cuddle when I need it and give me something to do when I need to get my mind off things.  I can see Sugar whenever I want, Tank is more difficult seeing as how he is nearly 3 hours away.  Can't wait to get them back.  Another reason we need to get this all figured out soon.

Maybe I'm overreacting... I don't feel like I am. 

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?  I'm basically at a loss...


Saturday, January 12, 2013

Good Enough

It's been a rough few days.  I've come to realize I'm not good enough.  I'm not good enough to have a steady job.  I'm not good enough for most people to stick by me.  I'm not even good enough for the person I love.  I'm just not.

People keep telling me that to be good enough for other people, I have to be good enough for me.

Why?  I've been completely broken and fucked up.  How am I ever going to be good enough for me?  I let someone rip me limb from limb and went back asking for more.  I handed them my heart and soul and very being on silver platter to do what they wished with.  And they did.  They destroyed me.

Why is it that I've finally been able to trust again and open up, and that isn't good enough?  I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to even go out in public (even to this day), let alone let anyone in my life.

I try.  All I want to do is make those around me happy.  That is what makes me happy.

I was told that it's okay that I'm broken, it's okay that I'm fucked up.  That they still love me and they can handle everything that comes with that.  But can you?  Can you handle the constant nightmares?  The random panic attacks?  The days I don't want to be touched?  My severe mood swings?  The fact that I can be extremely needy for no reason at all (I can't even explain it)?  That I hate being alone, especially at night?  That I'm afraid of it?

Honestly, even my closest friends can't handle all that.  I just need someone to see all of this and say "It's going to be hard, but you're going to get through this.  And I'll be there every step of the way.  Even through the difficult times, I'll be there no matter what.  I'll love you no matter what."

I really don't think I can do this on my own anymore.  It's just made it worse.  But I can't talk to anyone about it.  My friends think it means I'm not over that person.  And I don't like bringing up what happened to my boyfriend or that I'm still always hurting (no matter how badly I need to talk about it) because I see the hurt in his eyes.

The sad thing is, even when I'm hurting more than ever, all he has to do is take me in his arms and I calm down.  My mind stops screaming.  The nightmares are bearable.  I can't do that for him though.  I can't do that for anyone. 

Maybe they won't let me.  I don't know.  Honestly though, it hurts more anything that has been done to me to know that I can't.  I finally found people that I trust again yet I still feel worthless.

I've given them my heart.  My trust.  My energy.  My time.  And in one case, my body.  Everything I have to give.  But it's not enough. 

All I want is to be good enough... And because I'm broken, I never will be...

Sunday, January 6, 2013

A New Year

It has been awhile since I posted much in the way of personal stories on here, lately my posts have been more political.  While that is personal to me, it probably bores most of you.  I can understand that.  My friends get tired of hearing it too.  It's just how I am.

I hope to get back to more personal things now.  Of course I will have my rants, that's just me.

This year is a new start for me.  I'm finally coming to terms with some of the things the ex did to me and have realized that it has drastically affected me.  I finally told a doctor that I have had panic attacks since my sexual assault (left out the physical assault and infidelity parts).  Granted, it was just my GCP, but he thinks I may have PTSD.  With the help of the boyfriend, I have finally made the decision to seek help in sorting it all out and fixing myself.  I know I can't do it alone anymore.  That made it worse.  I intend to start writing out my thoughts and feelings while I go through this on here, partially as a catharsis, partially because I know I am not the only person who has been through something like this.  If I can help someone else, even if just by showing them they aren't the only one who's been wronged this way, it will be worth it.

I also want to get healthier this year.  I was doing so well with my weight loss last year; I got down to 160!  Then I started gaining again.  I'm back to around 200, which disgusts me.  I know I can do better.  Honestly, it's not the number that bothers me, but the inches and that I'm completely out of shape.  So I'm going to keep an update going for myself on here.  The fact that this is public may make me more accountable.

I have several crafty projects started that I really want to finish.  My aunt is going to help me with my crochet technique, so hopefully I can become good enough to start selling a few things here and there.  I plan to sell some of my photos that I've had hidden away for awhile, so look for that!  Honestly, I have a few really good ones.  I'd love to share them with fellow art lovers.

Finally, I am moving out of Norman in the middle of the year.  I want to make a new start with people I know I can count on.  Oddly enough, the boyfriend and I had both made plans to move to the same city before meeting each other.  Fate works in mysterious ways, huh?  It's a new adventure!  He's going to opening a new store in the chain he works for.  I hope to start the trek to getting my Masters' in Forensic Psychology.  It should all make for some interesting stories to share.  Considering I'm moving in with Bee, one of my best friends from high school, I should have quite a few hilarious things to let you in on.

All in all, I want to get this page going again and possibly change it up here and there.  I want to bring back Obscure Mondays (I even have a few movies already lined up for it!), WTF or Wine Wednesdays, and possibly Thankful Thursdays.  One step at a time though.

I have missed you my bloggie friends.  I have missed your support.  I have missed out on so much in your lives.  I hope to change that.

For now, it's off to bed.  Have to get up early and make that money.


Wednesday, November 7, 2012

America! F*$^ Yeah!!

Election Day has come and gone in America.  I have to say, I was VERY nervous about the outcome of the 2012 Presidential Election.  Too many of my intelligent friends were blinded by the lies and hatred spewed by one of the candidates.  I was worried that my list of friends could possibly reflect the popular and electoral votes.  Oddly enough, it did to a point.  Just enough that we still came out with a victory.

I had so many things riding on this election: my reproductive rights, my right to equal pay and employment, marriage equality, my right to healthcare... The list could go on and on.  I remember the last few elections.  I really didn't have much stake in them.  The last one was the first I could vote in, and honestly I just didn't want the man who was originally W's running mate to win.  It would have been four more years of the same policies that started the whole mess we've been in.

This time, however, was completely different.  I actually had to consider what the repercussions would be if Romney were to be elected.  The thoughts that came to mind made me sick with worry and brought tears to my eyes.  What if my brother could never have the chance to get married?  What if I lost my health insurance and was denied coverage due to my preexisting conditions?  Or I hit my lifetime cap because of my migraine and spinal treatments long before things (pain, weakness, etc) became manageable again?  What if I was not allowed to get a loan or financial aide to complete my education?  What if my grandmother was forced to get her medicare with a voucher?  It all hit me when the first few states were being projected in the exit polls.

I tried not to pay attention, I really did.  I couldn't help it though.  I had so many fears and hopes riding on this one.  I was trying my hardest not to cry or yell at someone while working.  Thankfully, I was sent home early and was able to watch at a friend's house with others like me.

You have no idea how overjoyed I was to see Akin and Murdock lose their elections.  Just hearing the definition of "legitimate rape" made me violently, physically ill.  So many of their "qualifications" of "illegitimate" rape hit home with my attack, that just thinking about it now it is difficult not to break down.  To hear someone say that I was not attacked, that I should have no rights made me ashamed to say I was a citizen of the same country.  And when someone says that a woman's body will "shut down" any pregnancy that happens due to "legitimate" rape, makes me realize how ignorant and uneducated some of those we elect to office really are.

My state ballot didn't go well at all.  We did away with Affirmative Action, which is ridiculous.  We also did away with the state Department of Human Services (some think it just restructures it, but if you read, it does away with it unless the governor decides to put something in its place).  Both of these issues are vital; especially when people all over the country are still making racial comments and slurs against our President, of all people.  If we can't respect the highest position in the country, how can you think we will respect other minorities and/or women in every day situations?  How can you do away with something to help our children?  Yes, it needs restructuring, however, doing away with it is not the answer.  We did keep our state Supreme Court seats.  It was nice to learn that those who helped to shoot down the Personhood Bill were kept in their positions.

When the numbers came in for the Presidential election, I finally started to breathe again.  I was overjoyed.  My life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness were not going to be infringed upon!  I was completely surprised to see Faux News reporting it before CNN.  To see them conceding was a huge victory, in my mind.

The best feeling, however, was watching Obama's victory speech.  I was in awe.  I was sitting next to the boy, with my hand in his, with the biggest smile on my face and tears running down my cheeks.  To know that we did this.  We as a country could come together like this and preserve our rights as individual citizens astounded me.  I have never been so proud to be an American.

I'm still shaky.  I'm overjoyed.  I'm safe.

Thank you to all who voted, no matter who or what you voted for.  That is what makes our country great.  Thank you to all who campaigned in whatever way they could for their chosen candidate.

I am off to catch up on some mindless television and fall asleep in my love's arms.

Have a wonderful night!!


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

What have they become?

With the Republican National Convention underway, I can't help but throw a bit of a bitch fit.  Republicans today do not stand for what the party was originally founded to support.  The things they are pushing for today, are completely the opposite as why as a young, naive 18 year old I registered as a Republican (shocker huh?  Me, a registered republican?)  So, what do Republicans stand for?  I'll tell you.

Originally, Democrats and Republicans were one party-the Democratic Republicans.  This was the 1800s, before the Civil War.  They wanted small government and a small, agriculture and industrial nation.  It was the Federalists that wanted stronger government and a national economy.  It wasn't until the 1850s that the Republican party was created from the Whigs and abolitionists.

Before the Civil War, it was the Democrats who were predominate in the South.  They wanted to maintain states' rights and, in effect, continue slavery.  They hated the Bank of the U.S. (which hasn't really changed) and subscribed to other Jacksonian ideals.  The Republicans were the progressive party.  Lincoln himself was a Republican.  They opposed the repeal of the Missouri Compromise and the extension of slavery, as well as being openly against the decision in the Dred Scott Case.

In 1860, the Republican platform included a call for a high protective tariff (or tax), free homesteads, and a transcontinental railroad.  With Lincoln as their nominee, they won the election and freed the slaves.  Lincoln himself created several government agencies: Department of Agriculture, Bureau of Internal Revenue, and the national banking system.  He passed the Homestead Act, because he understtod the "importance of... having a piece of land to call your own."  He passed the Land Grant College Act, which created universities throughout the country by donating land for agricultural and technical colleges to the states.

Republicans passed the Civil Rights Act of 1866, passed the 14th Amendment in 1868, passed the National Eight Hour Law (which while only limited government workers to 8 hour work days, set a precedent for all workers), passed the 15th Amendment in 1870 (which guarantees voting rights to all citizens of age), authorized equal pay for female government employees in 1872, the Pendleton Act in 1883 (which required at least 10% of the bureaucracy to be a professional workforce and created the Civil Service Commission), and in 1890 passed the Sherman Anti-Trust Act.  Later Roosevelt,  a Republican, used this act to break up several large monopolies.

Roosevelt did several things today's Republicans would find appalling.  He became involved with foreign policy by supporting the creation of the Panama Canal.  He negotiated the Treaty of Portsmouth, ending the conflict between Japan and Russia.  In 1906, he passed laws concerning safe food and meat production.  Later, he began naming forests as federal reserves and created the Department of Labor.

In 1919, the Republican party successfully passed the 19th Amendment giving women the right to vote.  The first woman elected to Congress was a Montana Republican in 1917.

In the 1920s, the party ran on platform opposing the League of Nations, high tariffs, and promoting business interests.  These low tariffs and business policies led to great prosperity until 1929 when Wall Street crashed.  The hands off approach by the party led to FDR being elected in 1932. I n 1940, they became them first major political party to support and endorse and equal rights amendment for women.  When Eisenhower was elected he created the Interstate Highway System and continued American space exploration, as well as creating the Department of Health, Education, and Welfare, the Civil Rights Commission and the civil rights division in the Justice Department.  These led to the Civil Rights Act of 1957, which kept the government from interfering with blacks wanting to vote.

The first mention of bipartisan effort in any of my research was when the parties joined together on foreign policy after the Republican support for the nation's war effort (began by the Democrats).  In fact, it was the Republicans that were usually against the wars the US fought. 

It wasn't until Nixon was elected in 1968 that the Republican party began believing that America had the best form of government.  It was then that the country began having a larger role in world politics and promoting the values of the country.  He reopened relations with China, helping with globalization, ended the country's involvement in the Vietnam War, signed arms control treaties, promoted our manned space program, brought inflation under control by implementing the traditional Republican policy of fiscal control and by cutting the dollar loose from the gold standard, and helped to pass the Clean Air Act.

Reagan followed.  He increased military spending and had the largest peacetime military buildup in US history.  However, his revamping of the tax code exempted million of those with low incomes and eliminated many deductions.  He had the Iran-contra affair to mar his record, where the US sent arms to Iran without Congressional approval and to Nicaraguan guerrillas.

Bush Sr., supported free trade, Middle East peace, and NATO.

What has the Republican party become?  They supported W. when he invaded Iraq on a lie of nuclear weapons.  Granted I understand we had been attacked, but because he couldn't figure out who did it he fabricated a report.  Yet many still think he was in the right.  He created tax cuts that left the lower and middle classes to pay for the functionings of our government.  This led to over $3 trillion in debt.  Something that was almost unheard of in the Republican party before.

Once they supported civil and individual rights.  Now they want to deny gays the right to marry.

They once respected the Constitution and, therefore, the separation of church and state as that is created by the Constitution.  Now they want to impose Christian values on all of those in this country and create laws that reflect this, when the Constitution states that the government cannot do so.

They have always wanted small government and less government regulation in our lives.  But by passing laws on marriage, "legitimate" rape, and other similar things creates more regulations and more of the government "butting into our lives."

Before they supported helping the middle and lower classes with tax cuts and the Homestead Act, now they rally for corporate and wealthy tax cuts as well as not helping the homeless or unemployed.

They stood for education at one point; they actually created many of the universities around the country.  Now they want to stop funding education and helping students afford education beyond the secondary level.

They have always supported businesses but not to the extent of putting them over their constituents.  With corporate tax cuts, out sourcing, and the like they are hurting our economy, putting us out of work, and creating wider gaps between economic classes.

These are all stances held by Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.  Please consider who you support and what they stand for before you vote this November.  Do your homework.  Realize these policies are not helping our country, but hurting it.  We are becoming a nation that discriminates based on religion, sex, sexuality, and tax bracket.

The Democrats are not perfect, not by a long shot, but they are not trying to take away the things they gave you.  Republicans are backing out of so many things they promised with the laws they passed in our country's history and are now passing laws that will in effect repeal or block them.