Wednesday, February 29, 2012


I've been thinking a lot lately on my present situation.  I'm single, working full-time, have a wonderful dog, and people who care so much in my life.  I'm outgoing, love to laugh, a good listener, will try just about anything, love sports, and hate to see others upset.  I cook, write, sing, dance, love deeply, and work hard.  At times I wonder why I can't find someone who wants to be with someone like this.  Then I found this quote:

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free till they find someone just as wild to run with them. Sandra Elhelw

This is my problem.  Too many people try to tame my crazy side.  I flirt.  I drink.  I smoke.  I stay up all night.  I'd rather spend a day with the guys than the girls.   I need someone who can keep up with me.  Who will love all of me.  Not just the great parts--and there's quite a few of those haha--but my flaws, my quirks, my moods, the things about me that drive most people crazy.  I'm young, I'll eventually calm down a little bit.

While I may be single, I do have someone that likes to be around me that I like to be with.  I don't know where it's going or if it's going to go anywhere.  I'm happy with things the way they are.  Change is inevitable, I'll roll with it however it goes.

Just a few more quotes to end the night.

Real love is knowing someone's weaknesses and not taking advantage of them. Knowing their flaws & accepting who they are.

Women have a bad habit of holding on too long, Men have a bad habit of letting go too easily

 My current status: Wanted by many, taken by none, looking at some, but waiting for one. 

I am not single, I'm romantically challenge. 

Real Women are classy, strong, independent, loyal and loveable. One thing about them is they know they deserve better.

Someone asked: R u not getting tired of being hurt ?!
I replied: I can handle it. They asked: Till when ?!
I smiled and said: Till someone is tired of hurting me.

Forget what has hurt you in the past, but never forget what it has taught you.

If they don't chase you when you walk away, keep walking.

Dream what you want to dream, go where you want to go, cause you only have one life and once chance to do it all.


Monday, February 27, 2012


Honesty (according to Merriam-Webster)
obsolete : chastity
a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : sincerity 
If you know me, you know I have a habit of being bluntly honest.  I pride myself on this.  Yes, I may sugar-coat things at times, but that's only when I feel harshness would make the situation worse.  If I don't like you or some decision you have/are making, you'll know it.  I'm going to support my friends to do what makes them happy even if I don't agree with it.  It's not my life, I can't decide what is best for anyone other than me.

So I'm going to be completely and bluntly honest about somethings.

Life sucks for the most part at the moment.  

I've gotten past the ex.  I haven't gotten past his actions.  But let's face it, things were over between us long before I ended it.  I just didn't want to believe it.  There is nothing in my posts on here to back this up, but I don't like bashing and it would have looked that way.  We became toxic and volatile around each other long before moving into the Lafayette house.  It just wasn't as often.  I've moved on.  I am interested in someone else and he seems pretty interested in me.  Things aren't perfect, they never will be.  That's what makes it interesting.  It still hurts to know how quickly I was replaced, but really he was moving on before it was over too.  We should have saved ourselves a lot of pain and arguing and the splitting of friends and just ended it when we both realized things had went to shit.  Lesson learned.

I was fired a little over two weeks ago.  Completely my fault.  I was late one too many times.  They even gave me extra chances.  Most of my screw ups were over the summer.  When things got bad between the ex and I.  I let that affect my attendance and I shouldn't have.  As much as I loved that job and the people I worked with, honestly I was looking for something more, something better.  It was barely paying the bills and drove me crazy a lot.  Yes, I would love to go back.  Yes, I miss my coworkers.  But I see this as chance to try something new.  To find something more along my skills set that pays better.  The people that really cared past just working together have kept in touch.  I've done my best to do the same with those I had come to care about.  Again, lesson learned.

Recently, little Cleo passed away.  It was very sudden.  I found her Saturday.  From the looks of her and what I described to the vet tech, they think she had a seizure.  She had one months ago, so it wasn't the first.  I caught that one in time.  Not this one.  I am completely shattered by this.  I don't have kids, so my dogs are my children.  She was still a puppy.  I loved that crazy thing so much.  She made me laugh every day.  Tank is pretty broken up about it.  He keeps looking for her.  It breaks my heart.  He loved his little sister as much as I did.  I've been taking him on long walks and giving him extra attention so he doesn't stay depressed.  Right now, he's asleep in my lap.  He's been like this for almost two hours, waking up only when I went out to smoke a cigarette.  He's all I have now.  If he was spoiled before, he's going to be super spoiled now.  I feel like an awful puppy momma because I couldn't do anything for her.  Even now, I'm tearing up at the thought.

After all this, I ended up upsetting my two best friends, the only two people who have stuck by my side through everything.  Talk about feeling awful...  I tried to be honest with them about a situation and ended up going about it in a bad way.  I was caught off guard and was already in a bad mood...  I don't know if things will work themselves out or not.  I hope so.  I have apologized for the way things went down, but the reason I am uncomfortable with the situation that was the cause is not something I will apologize for.  I do not feel I should have to defend myself in that.  My reasoning is not wrong for me, maybe for them, but not me.  I just didn't express it in a way I should have.  I was TOO blunt for once.  I upset them before by not saying anything when something upset me because I wanted to wait and talk things out calmly.  They wanted me to be honest.  So this time I was.  Just not very nice about it.  Kicking myself right now, but I can't change what was said.  Hopefully they'll forgive me.

So here is me being honest.  I'm selfish and crude and at times straight out rude, but I will always be honest with you.  If people can't handle this, than they probably shouldn't be around me.  A lot of the pain lately has been my fault, or at least a good part of it has been.  Things are definitely still changing and I'm trying to roll with it, even if it is difficult.  I'm off to see an old friend who is moving, the one mentioned about two posts ago who hurt me.  Bad idea?  Probably, but I'm wanting to be the bigger person.  Honestly?  I missed my best guy friend and would like one last goof off together.  Wish me luck...


Thursday, February 9, 2012

HP Challenge? I accept!!

Maybe this will get me out of my non-posting slump and keep my spirits up!  I found this fun little challenge.  Since I'm such an HP nerd, it's right up my alley.

Sooo... Day 1.  My favorite is definitely book 7.  It brought the most emotion out of me.  There was soooo much going on too.  Although I did cry when Cedric died and my heart about beat out of chest when Harry couldn't rescue Ron during the Triwizard Tournament... such a hard choice!!!

Which is YOUR favorite???

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Can I just Sleep until All This Goes Away? February sucks...

I hate hate hate February... I have for years now... First off, why the hell should a rodent be able to tell me how much longer winter is going to be?  How about we just go with the official dates?

Sorry had to get that lil rant out of the way before I got serious...

I hate cold, it just makes all the bad shit that this month seems to include even harder to handle.

Nine years ago this Valentine's Day, my granny died after a long, painful struggle with cancer.  I love my mother to death, but it's still hard to get over the fact that she wasn't going to tell me until that night, if then, and then made me go to school after finding out.  I have this weird ability to feel when something isn't right.  I woke up way early that morning because of one of those feelings.  I walked into the kitchen to my mom crying silently on the phone and getting the details.  It was the worst day of my high school career.  My high school best friend laughed at me and watched me cry all because she was mad at me for who I was dating (we have since become good friends again).  Even my high school sweetheart wasn't all that supportive.  I haven't been able to handle V-Day since... and this is my first year in a long time having to deal with it alone.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.

This feeling has been compounded over the last few years with my ex's own loathing of this month.  It's not my place to speak of it, but I will say watching the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with in so much pain was excruciating.  Nothing I did eased his pain, no matter how much I wanted to take it away.  As far as I know, he's in the same boat as I am this year:  dealing alone. 

2012 was supposed to be a new beginning.  It might still be.  However, the curse of February seems to continue to lurk in the shadows, no matter how much better things have gotten.

I was accosted last week.  Where I was bit still has no feeling, and the teeth marks are still slightly visible.  Everything else is physically okay now.  While it may have been a drunken accident for the most part, the fact that I was both physically and emotionally hurt makes every day difficult to wake up to.  I lost my best guy friend in it all... And a good old friend... I realize that if I lost people in this, they may not have been meant to stay in my life, but it's still hard.  He was the one I went to for everything.  When things between my ex and I were very very volatile, he was my shoulder, my rock.  When I thought I was being physically threatened by someone, he dropped everything to stay with me so I could sleep and feel safe.  We were complete opposites in so many ways, but at the same time we were like the same person.  I feel more alone than I have in a very long time... 9 years to be exact...  It makes the pain from the past feel raw and new again...

To top it all off, someone I have just started to get to know, but had an instant connection with was just arrested today on a bogus charge... Our wonderful Oklahoma justice system at work... I won't give any details for this one, except to say that it is killing my girl Twala... She introduced us.  This girl is such an inspiration to me.  She deals with so much and gets little to nothing in return.  I just hope this doesn't break her spirit.  That would kill me. 

This post has me in tears... I haven't really expressed most of this fully in a long time, if at all.  I just don't want to feel alone right now, it's too hard when I don't have my mom right down the hall or a few minutes away at the most.  I think this was more for me than anything else.  I needed to get it all out.  Maybe a little bit for those who care enough to read it and figure out what I'm going through at the moment.  I apologize in advance for any moodiness or depressing days you may have to endure if you see me on a regular basis.

Can I just sleep until February is over?