These past few weeks have been very trying times for me. Hopefully I will soon be able to share some of this with you my friends, but I haven't seen the end of it all and don't want to make much out things that could be insignificant.
I have, however, come to some realizations about myself that I felt have changed me somewhat. If you don't mind, I want to share some of these things with you. You all have come to know me so well, some even better than I know myself, and have shared some of your innermost secrets and feelings with me, so I feel I owe it to you to do the same.
My beliefs have become very convoluted and mixed. I believe in the power of the earth. I believe we are not alone but what else there could be eludes me. I believe that we must respect our place here on earth and respect the earth itself. At times, I feel so insignificant that I cannot seem to even imagine where I fit in in this complex and enormous universe.
My past has also come back to haunt me quite a bit lately. Things that I thought I had blocked out or forgot have come rushing back. I've realized how messed up my mind really is at times because of these things. I am damaged. I have issues. Yes, we all are and we all do, but I can't seem to come to terms with my past. Every time I think I've got it under control, I lose it. I don't think anyone really knows everything I've been through. It scares me to share with anyone. I'm afraid people won't respect me or will blame me for these things.
Part of me thinks I will never find someone who can accept me with all my baggage. Who won't judge or hold things against me when I do or say odd things. Like, there are days I need to be completely alone. No human interaction, no pups, nothing. For some reason that offends people. Yes, these tend to be the days I lock myself away and just cry. There really isn't a reason, it just happens. Or what I like to call "my moods." I get severely depressed at times, for unknown reasons. I can't explain what's wrong because I don't know.
I'm ready to settle down but at the same time, I'm afraid to lose my independence. I don't want to have to answer to anyone. I hate being questioned about what I'm doing or who I'm talking to or why I'm doing what I'm doing. I need someone who can keep up with me but stand back and let me be me at the same time.
I miss the country. Give me trees and dirt and (eek) bugs over all this concrete any day. I miss being able to clearly see the stars and walk in the grass barefooted. I need room to roam and escape. I'm a country girl at heart, as much as I love the city. I am high maintenance for a country girl, I like my clothes, shoes, jewelry, and electronics. But I can have all this without living in the middle of town. Without having to worry about waking my neighbors when I decide I want to have 50 people over to drink and have a good time.
I have to have a nightlife or I go crazy. I'm talkin, bar one night, club the next, and naked pool beer pong the next! Here lately, my free time has been spent drinking and partying. Yes, I know I'm getting too old to do this all the time, but I don't care. I crave the atmosphere. I'm not one to sit at home every night watching television or the like. I can't sit still. I'd rather sleep all day and be up all night.
Maybe I've always known these things about myself. Maybe I just need to get them out there and accept it all. I feel like there is more to life than what I have been dealt and I want it all. I want my own family, my nightlife, my country-in-stilettos dream. I want to be accepted for the screwed up person I am and not be questioned because of my beliefs or past experiences.
So there is what has been eating at me. It feels good to get some of that out there. I have some catching up to do on all of your blogs and I promise to get on that pronto. As soon as I get my a/c fixed. AGAIN. This computer kills me when it's hot in my house.
Hope y'all are having wonderful weekends. Give the kiddos hugs for me when they head back to school.
G'night lovelies, and thank you for being here for me. It is appreciated more than you will ever know.