Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Can I just Sleep until All This Goes Away? February sucks...

I hate hate hate February... I have for years now... First off, why the hell should a rodent be able to tell me how much longer winter is going to be?  How about we just go with the official dates?

Sorry had to get that lil rant out of the way before I got serious...

I hate cold, it just makes all the bad shit that this month seems to include even harder to handle.

Nine years ago this Valentine's Day, my granny died after a long, painful struggle with cancer.  I love my mother to death, but it's still hard to get over the fact that she wasn't going to tell me until that night, if then, and then made me go to school after finding out.  I have this weird ability to feel when something isn't right.  I woke up way early that morning because of one of those feelings.  I walked into the kitchen to my mom crying silently on the phone and getting the details.  It was the worst day of my high school career.  My high school best friend laughed at me and watched me cry all because she was mad at me for who I was dating (we have since become good friends again).  Even my high school sweetheart wasn't all that supportive.  I haven't been able to handle V-Day since... and this is my first year in a long time having to deal with it alone.  I don't know how I'm going to do it.

This feeling has been compounded over the last few years with my ex's own loathing of this month.  It's not my place to speak of it, but I will say watching the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with in so much pain was excruciating.  Nothing I did eased his pain, no matter how much I wanted to take it away.  As far as I know, he's in the same boat as I am this year:  dealing alone. 

2012 was supposed to be a new beginning.  It might still be.  However, the curse of February seems to continue to lurk in the shadows, no matter how much better things have gotten.

I was accosted last week.  Where I was bit still has no feeling, and the teeth marks are still slightly visible.  Everything else is physically okay now.  While it may have been a drunken accident for the most part, the fact that I was both physically and emotionally hurt makes every day difficult to wake up to.  I lost my best guy friend in it all... And a good old friend... I realize that if I lost people in this, they may not have been meant to stay in my life, but it's still hard.  He was the one I went to for everything.  When things between my ex and I were very very volatile, he was my shoulder, my rock.  When I thought I was being physically threatened by someone, he dropped everything to stay with me so I could sleep and feel safe.  We were complete opposites in so many ways, but at the same time we were like the same person.  I feel more alone than I have in a very long time... 9 years to be exact...  It makes the pain from the past feel raw and new again...

To top it all off, someone I have just started to get to know, but had an instant connection with was just arrested today on a bogus charge... Our wonderful Oklahoma justice system at work... I won't give any details for this one, except to say that it is killing my girl Twala... She introduced us.  This girl is such an inspiration to me.  She deals with so much and gets little to nothing in return.  I just hope this doesn't break her spirit.  That would kill me. 

This post has me in tears... I haven't really expressed most of this fully in a long time, if at all.  I just don't want to feel alone right now, it's too hard when I don't have my mom right down the hall or a few minutes away at the most.  I think this was more for me than anything else.  I needed to get it all out.  Maybe a little bit for those who care enough to read it and figure out what I'm going through at the moment.  I apologize in advance for any moodiness or depressing days you may have to endure if you see me on a regular basis.

Can I just sleep until February is over?

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