Would things be different?

I made love for the first time the other night.  I've had one-night-stands, great sex, been straight out fucked, but never until then had I made love.  I don't know if he'd call it the same thing, guys have this strange aversion to the phrase "making love" I've noticed.  But screw what he thinks in this instance.  Yes.  Yes.  It was amazing.  I love the feeling of his arms around me anytime, add that to intense intimacy and you've got me hooked like a cat on catnip.  As much as I'd love to go into details, I'm gonna keep those to myself.

Strange way to start a post that sounds very retro- and intro-spective from the title, right?  Basically, I don't know how I got here.  Ok I do, you don't.  I used to be what some would call a goody-good, now I'm a partier who's always up for trying new and crazy things.  I was the one who got Mom and Bubba going to church when I was in middle school.  I was very devout for several years, was even asked to be a counselor at camp by the dean of the camp.  Unfortunately, I was made to feel like an outcast and like a bad believer for reasons I still don't know.  So I decided to live my life my way and enjoy whatever I could.  I'm happier this way.  I don't feel like I'm not living up to someone else's expectations of me.

I look back on everything I've done, the people I've met, and the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I would be where I am now if things hadn't been the way they were--and if I were here anyway, would the way I feel be any different?

I moved around a lot as a kid.  We were never a military family, my parents were just always looking for better opportunities for Bubba and I.  Until they moved to their current location, I was never in one school longer than 4 years.  I did live in the same house for 8, but changed schools twice.  After 4 years in Norman, I have to itch to move.  Nothing too drastic, probably just Tulsa, but its still there.  Unfortunately, I don't have the funds and even if I did my lease isn't up for awhile.  Well... that and I found something worth staying for.  Or someone I should say.  Thankfully, we both had plans to move there before we met.  It's early but I think it's pretty awesome that we found each other in the midst of starting plans to move to the same city.  It's better than meeting someone and leaving without them shortly after or staying somewhere you don't want to be just for someone new.  Hopefully things work out well.

I dated a lot of losers over the last few years.  Actually, that's unfair.  I've become friends with most of them since, and for the most part, they're all pretty awesome guys.  Just not who I should be with.  They had their redeeming qualities while I was with them, and I'm sure most of those reasons are why we can now be friends, but meshing with me was not one of them.  That, and they all broke my heart in one way or another.  Oddly enough, I only went into a depression because of one of them, other times it was them.  Strange when you think about it... You hurt me, I leave you, you're the one depressed...  Doesn't entirely make sense now that I think about it, but what in this world really does?  I learned about myself from those guys, so I'm thankful.

With that said, some of the guys I dated messed me up for awhile.  I've been cheated on, used, emotionally and physically abused (not to an extreme on either, but it still fucks you up), and things I don't entirely want to list on here.  Men can be awful creatures.  So can women.  I could be controlling and possessive, I used to be highly jealous person, I'm sure I tore a few guys down.  Some of it was defense mechanisms, other times it was immaturity and insecurity.  I'm still young so I'm probably still going to make big mistakes when it comes to all this, but hopefully I never repeat any of these mistakes.

I've had many good friends over the years.  Most of whom I am still in contact with and very close to even if we don't see each other.  Others have decided I'm not a vital part of their lives anymore.  Almost everyone I'm extremely close to has stabbed me in the back, but I did the same at some point.  The fact that we can get past that makes us even closer I believe.  It hurts thinking about why I've lost some people, most (not all) could easily be fixed by a heart-to-heart that I'm more than willing to have but the idea has not been reciprocated.  I know that means they aren't meant to be a current part of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that it does hurt.  Doesn't matter, they may not know or believe this but if ever any of them ever needed me I'd be there in a heartbeat because of how important they once were.

Looking back on all this, I can't help but wonder: would things be different now if part or all of this hadn't have happened in my past?  Would I have been able to just start becoming spontaneous in many aspects of my life?  I wouldn't have Tank if I wasn't so I wouldn't have my only furbaby.  I wouldn't have bought Cleo either (I miss my Little Bit).  Would I be so open to meeting new people?  I don't think I would have gone bowling recently with a group of people I only know because they are regulars where I work if I didn't feel the need to meet new people and surround myself with people who just want to enjoy life.  Would I guard myself, unlike I used to so that I know if someone is worth having my trust?  Doubtful, I was a naive thing for a long time.

The last 6 1/2 years have made me feel more worldly (though, I haven't traveled much at all).  Maybe "somewhat wise" is the phrase I'm looking for.  I've had some interesting experiences, most of which happened between July and now.  Not all of them were great, but some were amazing.  However, I wouldn't trade any of it.

Because of all this, I have what I have now.  The strongest friendships I've ever had with people who will always be there and vice versa.  My own little family of me and my furbaby who makes me smile everyday of my life.  A job, that while doesn't keep my wallet full, makes me happy at the end of the day and has let me meet some awesome people.  And an amazing man who knows about my somewhat screwed up past; he accepts me with all my quirks and insecurities and makes me beautiful, safe, and loved.  I fell for him hard and fast.  Four months and I can't even sleep without him next to me anymore.  It's insane.

Maybe none of this will last forever, maybe it will.  All I know is that honestly I've never been happier.  And I know things wouldn't be this way if my past hadn't set me on this path.

I know the introduction to this post is still a little unnerving and possibly odd to some.  The point was making a complete circle.  I'm amazingly happy and that experience wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have gotten to this place in my life.  Crazy, huh?  Maybe I would never know what it was like to make love.  Ugh, ok even to me that phrase is awkward and cliche haha.  Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm off to bed hopefully.  The boyfriend, his friends, and I are headed to the river tomorrow for a weekend of floating, camping, and drinking.  Finally!  Time away from the craziness of real life :-D  Huh, oddly enough this fits under Thankful Thursdays (yeah yeah I realize it's 4:30 Friday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still Thursday lol).

G'night lovelies!

Love!!

Holiday Madness

I don't know about everyone else, but the holidays always stress me out.  This year was no different.  I ended up having to work on Christmas Eve, which sucked ass we weren't busy enough to justify being open, and when I got off work early that afternoon I baked FOUR batches of cookies to take to our family Christmas that evening.  I also cooked dinner for the ex and his step-sister before they left town.  (so nice of me... I really need to stop being so damn nice, makes him think he can walk all over me and treat me like shit...)

All of this, plus cleaning, made me late for our traditional evening festivities.  Add to that taking a wrong exit to a place I go to at least once a month, and you have one stressed out Sassy Miss...

When I FINALLY got back on the right road I realized I had forgotten the cookies.  I spent hours baking and left them on my damn cabinet in the festive red tub I had bought just for this occasion... I also had forgotten the foreign-cheese tray I had made up (I was broke this year so I did food).

Upon getting to Gigi's house, things went rather smoothly.  I watched the kids open presents.  Watched all the adults do the same.  I didn't even care that I wasn't opening anything, I love watching all of their faces and seeing all the knickknacks.

Story of the night:  "Wanna feel my ball?"  Uncle B got a rubbery handsized football from my dad and was asking all the women above 18 this.  Lots of laughs all around with this one.

The next day we had our traditional Christmas lunch.  Unfortunately Granny Barb and Grandpa Del are not with us anymore (haven't been for a few years) so it was different than I'm used to (still different anyway).  However, we did have them there in spirit.



Grandpa Del and his favorite soda at lunch.

The girls had me video them cooking our lunch.  I tried to upload it but mom's computer won't let me :(

My family is a riot!

I ended up getting a really really nice new camera from my mother.  She threatened poor Tank's life if he got ahold of this one--which I totally understand due to this and this.  Of course you know this means no more boring, pictureless posts; unless I'm just feeling boring or lazy.

The ex got Tank and Cleo a stocking full of toys and a huge rawhide for Christmas.  I told them it was from Santa for obvious reasons.  I was a little more practical: a new collar/leash for Cleo and a bed for Tank's brandnew HUGE crate since hard plastic is uncomfortable (which now needs a good washing... damn dog lol).  Here are the kids with their presents:

After all this craziness, I had New Year's Eve.  This could be a post all on it's own but I'm lazy, it's getting late, and I have an episode of Vampire Diaries to watch!

Oh NYE... such crazy fun.  Well, it ended that way, didn't start that way.  The ex and I got into a huge fight when I went to pick him up to find masks for later that night.  Needless to say, we are no longer in contact except to update each other on family health issues (both our fathers just had cancer scares this week, his father's test hasn't come back yet...).  The rest of the night went off pretty damn well though.

The first stop of the night was a Business on Top, Party on Bottom party in the neighboring town.  Twala and I got lost trying to find it, as did the car we were following (they lost us and found it...).  It was kinda low key.  A good handful of people, margaritas, and general goodtimes.  Twala ended up having to leave early, so I road with my friend CC and the others to our main party of the night, a masquerade (can't be topped right?  wrong.  It was at a Dr. Suess-like house!)

I invited my new Irish friend I had met a few nights before at Bison Witches.  He's funny and adorable.  Apparently he's interested, but we'll see how that goes considering my recent situation.  I also ran into a guy I hadn't seen in over a year, MW.

(MW and I met at our house warming party the ex and I and our roommates at the time had.  None of the four of us knew him or his friend that came along.  In fact, they showed in their work clothes and many people thought they were cops.  Being the badass protective person I am, I met them halfway through the yard to make sure they weren't just party crashing or trying to arrest us.  Needless to say, he ended up making out with another guest and being the center of gossip that night!)

No one kissed at midnight.  We missed it actually.  Depressing right?  Not really, I think we all just ended up walking around the house kissing each other saying "happy new year" for the rest of the night, haha.  I played some champagne pong and lost horribly.  I think I had a bottle and a half by myself that night, but it really doesn't do much for me anymore.  Played some card games, smoked some hookah (if you haven't tried this stuff, you must!  It's legal and so much fun), and danced.  Of course there was a little drunken drama, but that is expected, nothing that ruined anyone's night.

When I got home the next afternoon, I spent the rest of the day in bed.  You know it was a good NYE when you wake up at like 8pm the next day!  I would give you more details, but they're private (yes I do remember the whole night lol).  How about we settle for some pictures?

My kickass hair and makeup for the night!

 

Hammie and I

CC and lil CC!

Madi and I with Irishman in the back.

W and I

Red hot glow for NYE!

Hope you guys had fun too!

Love!!

I think my glutes hate me...

Tomorrow is Matt's 25th birthday.  I have some great things lined up: disc golfing after we both get off work, an ice cream cake with Reese's mixed in, and a night out at Logan's on the Corner with some of our favorite people.  All he knows about is disc golf and that we're going somewhere that night.  He has a habit of blowing my surprises, so no telling!!!  I'm really excited.  The last time I planned something for his birthday his buddy showed up early and sorta ruined it but sorta didn't.  I wish his Little could be here but he's 2000ft (give or take) underground in Virginia.  His Big is gonna make it though, I think.  I really hope he enjoys himself.  This took a ton of planning!  I mean bestie and I sat around at work for at least 5 minutes ordering the cake and planning where to go.  That really cut into my slacking time today!

Anyway, on to the glutes.  We played 4 games of disc golf yesterday!  Yes, 4!!  Granted 2 of them were at a 9 hole course and the 3rd was too but we only played 6 holes cause the course sucks big donkey balls.  Seriously!!

*Okay sorry went out to Logan's for a coworker's birthday (yes, before Matt's birthday) after that last part and I'm a lil hammered so excuse any fuck ups from here on out.*

Going up and down hills kills you if you don't work out regularly...  (stupid spine...)

I would be doing my 30 Days of Photos post but I need to get my mom to scan the next one so I can post it.

I'm going to bed yall, too many mixed drinks tonight...

Love!!