Would things be different?

I made love for the first time the other night.  I've had one-night-stands, great sex, been straight out fucked, but never until then had I made love.  I don't know if he'd call it the same thing, guys have this strange aversion to the phrase "making love" I've noticed.  But screw what he thinks in this instance.  Yes.  Yes.  It was amazing.  I love the feeling of his arms around me anytime, add that to intense intimacy and you've got me hooked like a cat on catnip.  As much as I'd love to go into details, I'm gonna keep those to myself.

Strange way to start a post that sounds very retro- and intro-spective from the title, right?  Basically, I don't know how I got here.  Ok I do, you don't.  I used to be what some would call a goody-good, now I'm a partier who's always up for trying new and crazy things.  I was the one who got Mom and Bubba going to church when I was in middle school.  I was very devout for several years, was even asked to be a counselor at camp by the dean of the camp.  Unfortunately, I was made to feel like an outcast and like a bad believer for reasons I still don't know.  So I decided to live my life my way and enjoy whatever I could.  I'm happier this way.  I don't feel like I'm not living up to someone else's expectations of me.

I look back on everything I've done, the people I've met, and the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I would be where I am now if things hadn't been the way they were--and if I were here anyway, would the way I feel be any different?

I moved around a lot as a kid.  We were never a military family, my parents were just always looking for better opportunities for Bubba and I.  Until they moved to their current location, I was never in one school longer than 4 years.  I did live in the same house for 8, but changed schools twice.  After 4 years in Norman, I have to itch to move.  Nothing too drastic, probably just Tulsa, but its still there.  Unfortunately, I don't have the funds and even if I did my lease isn't up for awhile.  Well... that and I found something worth staying for.  Or someone I should say.  Thankfully, we both had plans to move there before we met.  It's early but I think it's pretty awesome that we found each other in the midst of starting plans to move to the same city.  It's better than meeting someone and leaving without them shortly after or staying somewhere you don't want to be just for someone new.  Hopefully things work out well.

I dated a lot of losers over the last few years.  Actually, that's unfair.  I've become friends with most of them since, and for the most part, they're all pretty awesome guys.  Just not who I should be with.  They had their redeeming qualities while I was with them, and I'm sure most of those reasons are why we can now be friends, but meshing with me was not one of them.  That, and they all broke my heart in one way or another.  Oddly enough, I only went into a depression because of one of them, other times it was them.  Strange when you think about it... You hurt me, I leave you, you're the one depressed...  Doesn't entirely make sense now that I think about it, but what in this world really does?  I learned about myself from those guys, so I'm thankful.

With that said, some of the guys I dated messed me up for awhile.  I've been cheated on, used, emotionally and physically abused (not to an extreme on either, but it still fucks you up), and things I don't entirely want to list on here.  Men can be awful creatures.  So can women.  I could be controlling and possessive, I used to be highly jealous person, I'm sure I tore a few guys down.  Some of it was defense mechanisms, other times it was immaturity and insecurity.  I'm still young so I'm probably still going to make big mistakes when it comes to all this, but hopefully I never repeat any of these mistakes.

I've had many good friends over the years.  Most of whom I am still in contact with and very close to even if we don't see each other.  Others have decided I'm not a vital part of their lives anymore.  Almost everyone I'm extremely close to has stabbed me in the back, but I did the same at some point.  The fact that we can get past that makes us even closer I believe.  It hurts thinking about why I've lost some people, most (not all) could easily be fixed by a heart-to-heart that I'm more than willing to have but the idea has not been reciprocated.  I know that means they aren't meant to be a current part of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that it does hurt.  Doesn't matter, they may not know or believe this but if ever any of them ever needed me I'd be there in a heartbeat because of how important they once were.

Looking back on all this, I can't help but wonder: would things be different now if part or all of this hadn't have happened in my past?  Would I have been able to just start becoming spontaneous in many aspects of my life?  I wouldn't have Tank if I wasn't so I wouldn't have my only furbaby.  I wouldn't have bought Cleo either (I miss my Little Bit).  Would I be so open to meeting new people?  I don't think I would have gone bowling recently with a group of people I only know because they are regulars where I work if I didn't feel the need to meet new people and surround myself with people who just want to enjoy life.  Would I guard myself, unlike I used to so that I know if someone is worth having my trust?  Doubtful, I was a naive thing for a long time.

The last 6 1/2 years have made me feel more worldly (though, I haven't traveled much at all).  Maybe "somewhat wise" is the phrase I'm looking for.  I've had some interesting experiences, most of which happened between July and now.  Not all of them were great, but some were amazing.  However, I wouldn't trade any of it.

Because of all this, I have what I have now.  The strongest friendships I've ever had with people who will always be there and vice versa.  My own little family of me and my furbaby who makes me smile everyday of my life.  A job, that while doesn't keep my wallet full, makes me happy at the end of the day and has let me meet some awesome people.  And an amazing man who knows about my somewhat screwed up past; he accepts me with all my quirks and insecurities and makes me beautiful, safe, and loved.  I fell for him hard and fast.  Four months and I can't even sleep without him next to me anymore.  It's insane.

Maybe none of this will last forever, maybe it will.  All I know is that honestly I've never been happier.  And I know things wouldn't be this way if my past hadn't set me on this path.

I know the introduction to this post is still a little unnerving and possibly odd to some.  The point was making a complete circle.  I'm amazingly happy and that experience wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have gotten to this place in my life.  Crazy, huh?  Maybe I would never know what it was like to make love.  Ugh, ok even to me that phrase is awkward and cliche haha.  Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm off to bed hopefully.  The boyfriend, his friends, and I are headed to the river tomorrow for a weekend of floating, camping, and drinking.  Finally!  Time away from the craziness of real life :-D  Huh, oddly enough this fits under Thankful Thursdays (yeah yeah I realize it's 4:30 Friday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still Thursday lol).

G'night lovelies!

Love!!

Thankful Thursday and a Bloggie Award!

Ahhh what a day!  Ever have one of those days that you just don't want to end?  Yeah, I know, we all do.  Today was definitely one of those days!  Matt and I were off together, which is always nice.  We made the pilgrimage to Crossroads Mall to see a friend, oddly enough, not nearly as scary as it usually is!!  If you know anything about the OKC area, you know Crossroads is NOT one of the places one tends to CHOOSE to go to if one has a choice.  However, we've been going about once a month now to pick up our dietary supplements (no, not drugs, actual dietary pills {we both have bad backs and knees so hardcore workouts are not as helpful unless we don't want to move for a few days}) (it's the only store in the area that carries it for now), so we're getting used to the ...ahem... scenery.  We made a few other stops: Mrs. Cools, Play it Again Sports (we're regulars now!), and Taramuhara's.  No Frolfing today kiddies, waaaaayyy to damn windy to throw a disc anywhere near a pin!!!  It was/is a good day!

Anyway, I have a lot to be thankful for this week so I'm kinda excited!  Here ya go:

• Matt and I got a discount today for our diet pills because the guy has come to know us (and Matt kept his word about telling him about any space openings in Sooner Mall).
• While at PiAS, we got a free disc.  We go in once a week or so and talk to the main guy, so we've gotten to know him well.  I picked a Latitude 64 Halo and got Matt a 2011 tournament disc.  We sit there and BS for awhile and Matt pops off about his Innova Shark he really likes.  The guy grabs a disc, says "you like sharks?  here have this one."  Like for free.  It was his last one from the 2009 Red Dirt Doubles tournament. 

Our 3 new discs!  Mine is the blue one, the red one was the free one, and the pink one is the tourney one.

• Met a girl at the dog park today who fosters dogs.  I'm happy to have finally met someone who is able to do that and who cares enough to socialize these poor pups.
• Apparently the Germans were impressed with our center this week when they came.  All I really know is that our audit (inspection) by the German Health Authority went pretty well, no results really yet.
• I got a little pat on the back for the hard work I put into cleaning for said audit.  It feels good to be appreciated.
• I now have both an Avon lady AND a Mary-Kay lady.  For awhile I only had one or the other, which made me sad.  I may not be a girly girl, but I do love makeup.  When I can find great stuff for even greater prices NOT at Wal Mart, it's a good day lol
• Matt is FINALLY starting to spoil Tank.  While most may not see this as a good thing, said most didn't witness the reaction I got when I brought him home.  Trust me, it's a good thing!
• Tank got an ear infection... And we cured it WITHOUT going to the vet.  A little home remedy I was given: put peroxide in a spray bottle, spray in ear, rub around, dry out.  Do this for a few days and... no more head shaking or whining.  (I'm not a vet and I don't claim to know cure-alls.  Do not try any home remedies without vet/doctor approval)
• I got all the little lovelies I won in Meagan's gigantic birthday giveaway over at Fairly Fabulous this week!  You should definitely check this little lady out, if you haven't already.  I don't care what she says, she's not fairly fabulous, she's completely fabulous!!  I'll post pictures of them as I wear/use them!

Meagan, this is what I have done with my bumper sticker!!  She loves it almost as much as I do!!

• I have a pending road trip with Bubba.  We're going to see our ailing great-aunt in Kinta.  Doesn't sound fun, but you'd have to know our family.  It'll be a blast.  Plus, a roadtrip with Bubba is always a fun time!

And the final thing on the list for now:

• TrueBlood starts in T minus 16 days!!!

 Sorry, had to throw that out there.

I was also nominated for my second Bloggie Award!  Yes, I'm thankful for this too, but I thought I'd give it it's own little section tonight.  Miss Jodie over at Ramblings of A Fabulous Brunette (yep, definitely completely fabulous as well) gave me the:

Sooo 7 facts about lil ol' me...

1. I'm convinced Tank has acquired magical powers his receiving his scar.  He snatched a melon rind off the middle of the cabinet tonight, and we proved he couldn't reach that far.  See?  Magical powers!
2. I looooove dark chocolate, like love love love it!  I like white chocolate too, but it's not really chocolate so it doesn't count (no really, look it up).
3. Tonight, I ate my first honeydew melon.  Ever.  It was, well, orgasmic to say the least.  Yeah, I had them in those mixed fruit thingies, but I've been told that doesn't count because let's be honest those taste like cardboard.
4. I love sports and sports' icons, but I don't like Kobe Bryant or Lebron James.  *gasp*  Meh, I like guys/gals with a little class.
5. I like to take pictures of things that are not what you would usually see or at least make you scratch your head.  I plan on starting a feature about such things in the near future.
6. The only gun I've ever shot other than a BB gun is Matt's 9mm.  However, I plan on having a few in the coming years.  I really want a Glock if I can find one that fits my hands well.  Matt is trying to talk me into a pink 9mm... I would like to NOT get laughed at, thanks for the thought though hun!  Pink is one of my favorite colors, but so are black and silver lol.
7. My favorite flavor of sunflower seeds is ranch.  Actually, my favorite flavor of just about anything (other than sweets) is ranch.  I also dip just about everything in ranch.  I think I just really like ranch lol.

And I am going to nominate....

Vic at a cup of freck
Jaimie at Legos in My Pocket
Mollie at OK in UK
Hayley at The Weekend File

Hope yall have a wonderful Friday!

Love!!!

Thankful Thursday

All I have to say is....

THE HEAT LOST TONIGHT!!!!

That is all lovelies.

Love!!

Thankful Thursday

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you find it difficult to be thankful for the little things at times?  Yeah it was one of those weeks.  However, this constant presence of mind to be thankful for at least one thing a day, has been extremely helpful.  So I have found several things lately to be thankful for.

• The much needed rain we've been experiencing.
• That my house and my family's houses went undamaged this week.
• The fact that our Thunder played so well as a very young team and gave us something to believe in other than OU football.
• My wonderfully understanding boyfriend, who has been very open minded when it comes to me experimenting to find my way in this world.  He seems to embrace my eclectic-ness like a security blanket at times.
• Having such supportive friends and coworkers.  They seem to understand my strangeness and know when to push for answers with me.
• Living in a community where others treasure their pets as much as we do.  I found a public place to take the pups if the weather gets bad again.  OU dorms allows pets in the basements, gonna make sure to have the crate for Roxi though in case she freaks out.

{via}

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 My thoughts go out to those I know who have been affected by these horrific storms.  And to those I don't of course.

I hope you all have found something, no matter how small, to be thankful for this week.

Love!!

Thankful Thursday

• The OKC Thunder basketball team.  They have made the time between football seasons sooo much more bearable!!  I'm actually enjoying watching basketball on tv now.   Our announcers crack me up too when they pronounce Nene (nuh-nay) NayNay.  It's hilarious!!
• Migraine medicines... I've been having some effin crazy migraines lately.  Back in November I had one that lasted 20 days.  When I went to the neurologist two months later the doctor gave me a low dose of seizure medicine commonly used for migraines.  He recently upped the dosage because I have been waking up with migraines every day.  Excedrin migraine works wonders!  It also helps when a coworker keeps migraine medicine on hand for when I forget to grab mine.
• My coworker with the extra migraine medicine!
• Finally getting rain!!!
• That my family wasn't affected too bad by the extreme floods in their part of the state.  This is especially good considering they live on Oklahoma's version of a bayou.
• Picking up new hobbies.  I'm slowly picking up crocheting again.  Once I get decent at it, I may do a giveaway.  Or birthday presents for my lovely blog friends!!  I do know that I am totally making dog beds for the kids and a blanket (OU colors of course) for my brother (who happens to be attending OSU in the fall lol).
• Frisbee Golf (frolfing).  It's so much fun and walking the courses is such a great workout!!  I kinda suck at it, but I just started and enjoy it immensely.  It's also another way for Matt and I to bond.  I like having multiple things to do together; having just a handful makes relationships boring.
• Losing 10+ pounds!!!  I'm super duper excited about this one!  I've gained quite a bit of weight since moving to Norman 2.5 years ago.  It didn't help that my back was really bad for awhile.  When I had my migraine, I lost 25 pounds because I couldn't eat, much less get out of bed.  I've lost at least 10 on top of that!  I still have a ways to go, but this is very motivating.  My secret?  To be honest, I was on a high powered diet supplement for awhile.  Now being a poor recent graduate helps because I can't buy all the greasy food I used to.  Granted, healthy food is more expensive, but I now pay more attention to what I'm buying.  I count calories too, but not in an extreme way just to make sure I'm not over doing it.
• Getting off early yesterday.  I went in at six to be observed for my annual review but wasn't supposed to be there until 11.  I ended up having to stay until about 10 because the actual opener had a horrible migraine.  I went home and didn't have to go back in until 4.  Our scheduled opener came in to help close and sent me home early.  I love her.  Not just for that.  She lets me vent.  She was there when Roxi was lost in Muskogee for 4 days and let me leave to drive 3 hours away to look for her.  And pulled me aside to let me cry to her about it.  She's very blunt with me, which is much appreciated.  No sugar coating and that's how I like work to be.  She's a doll and a half!
• DVR.  I can watch the Thunder game AND watch the new South Park!

I think that's it!  THUNDER UP!!!

Love!!

Thankful Thursday

I figured after all the crazy things going on lately I needed to thank everyone for all the wonderful things in my life.

• My wonderful little family.  Matt, Tank, and Roxi make my days so much more enjoyable.  Tank with his silly, dumb goofiness.  Roxi and her motherly ways.  Matt for being my best friend and soul mate.  They are the loves of my life.
• Having a sturdy roof over my head.  Our rent house may be a major fixer-upper, but it will stand for as long as we need it.
• My job.  There are times when I want to throttle people, but everyone has those days.  My coworkers help me get through tough days and make me smile daily.
•  My wonderful blogging friends.  You guys help me through more than you can ever imagine!  I go to your blogs to get a laugh, feel some sort emotion, or when I just need to get out of my own world.  I love you guys like family.  Getting to know your through your writings has been the most truthful way I have ever gotten to know anyone.

I have so many other things but I think right now, these are the biggest in my life.  Have a wonderful night!

Love!!