Good Enough

It's been a rough few days.  I've come to realize I'm not good enough.  I'm not good enough to have a steady job.  I'm not good enough for most people to stick by me.  I'm not even good enough for the person I love.  I'm just not.

People keep telling me that to be good enough for other people, I have to be good enough for me.

Why?  I've been completely broken and fucked up.  How am I ever going to be good enough for me?  I let someone rip me limb from limb and went back asking for more.  I handed them my heart and soul and very being on silver platter to do what they wished with.  And they did.  They destroyed me.

Why is it that I've finally been able to trust again and open up, and that isn't good enough?  I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to even go out in public (even to this day), let alone let anyone in my life.

I try.  All I want to do is make those around me happy.  That is what makes me happy.

I was told that it's okay that I'm broken, it's okay that I'm fucked up.  That they still love me and they can handle everything that comes with that.  But can you?  Can you handle the constant nightmares?  The random panic attacks?  The days I don't want to be touched?  My severe mood swings?  The fact that I can be extremely needy for no reason at all (I can't even explain it)?  That I hate being alone, especially at night?  That I'm afraid of it?

Honestly, even my closest friends can't handle all that.  I just need someone to see all of this and say "It's going to be hard, but you're going to get through this.  And I'll be there every step of the way.  Even through the difficult times, I'll be there no matter what.  I'll love you no matter what."

I really don't think I can do this on my own anymore.  It's just made it worse.  But I can't talk to anyone about it.  My friends think it means I'm not over that person.  And I don't like bringing up what happened to my boyfriend or that I'm still always hurting (no matter how badly I need to talk about it) because I see the hurt in his eyes.

The sad thing is, even when I'm hurting more than ever, all he has to do is take me in his arms and I calm down.  My mind stops screaming.  The nightmares are bearable.  I can't do that for him though.  I can't do that for anyone. 

Maybe they won't let me.  I don't know.  Honestly though, it hurts more anything that has been done to me to know that I can't.  I finally found people that I trust again yet I still feel worthless.

I've given them my heart.  My trust.  My energy.  My time.  And in one case, my body.  Everything I have to give.  But it's not enough. 


All I want is to be good enough... And because I'm broken, I never will be...

Would things be different?

I made love for the first time the other night.  I've had one-night-stands, great sex, been straight out fucked, but never until then had I made love.  I don't know if he'd call it the same thing, guys have this strange aversion to the phrase "making love" I've noticed.  But screw what he thinks in this instance.  Yes.  Yes.  It was amazing.  I love the feeling of his arms around me anytime, add that to intense intimacy and you've got me hooked like a cat on catnip.  As much as I'd love to go into details, I'm gonna keep those to myself.

Strange way to start a post that sounds very retro- and intro-spective from the title, right?  Basically, I don't know how I got here.  Ok I do, you don't.  I used to be what some would call a goody-good, now I'm a partier who's always up for trying new and crazy things.  I was the one who got Mom and Bubba going to church when I was in middle school.  I was very devout for several years, was even asked to be a counselor at camp by the dean of the camp.  Unfortunately, I was made to feel like an outcast and like a bad believer for reasons I still don't know.  So I decided to live my life my way and enjoy whatever I could.  I'm happier this way.  I don't feel like I'm not living up to someone else's expectations of me.

I look back on everything I've done, the people I've met, and the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I would be where I am now if things hadn't been the way they were--and if I were here anyway, would the way I feel be any different?

I moved around a lot as a kid.  We were never a military family, my parents were just always looking for better opportunities for Bubba and I.  Until they moved to their current location, I was never in one school longer than 4 years.  I did live in the same house for 8, but changed schools twice.  After 4 years in Norman, I have to itch to move.  Nothing too drastic, probably just Tulsa, but its still there.  Unfortunately, I don't have the funds and even if I did my lease isn't up for awhile.  Well... that and I found something worth staying for.  Or someone I should say.  Thankfully, we both had plans to move there before we met.  It's early but I think it's pretty awesome that we found each other in the midst of starting plans to move to the same city.  It's better than meeting someone and leaving without them shortly after or staying somewhere you don't want to be just for someone new.  Hopefully things work out well.

I dated a lot of losers over the last few years.  Actually, that's unfair.  I've become friends with most of them since, and for the most part, they're all pretty awesome guys.  Just not who I should be with.  They had their redeeming qualities while I was with them, and I'm sure most of those reasons are why we can now be friends, but meshing with me was not one of them.  That, and they all broke my heart in one way or another.  Oddly enough, I only went into a depression because of one of them, other times it was them.  Strange when you think about it... You hurt me, I leave you, you're the one depressed...  Doesn't entirely make sense now that I think about it, but what in this world really does?  I learned about myself from those guys, so I'm thankful.

With that said, some of the guys I dated messed me up for awhile.  I've been cheated on, used, emotionally and physically abused (not to an extreme on either, but it still fucks you up), and things I don't entirely want to list on here.  Men can be awful creatures.  So can women.  I could be controlling and possessive, I used to be highly jealous person, I'm sure I tore a few guys down.  Some of it was defense mechanisms, other times it was immaturity and insecurity.  I'm still young so I'm probably still going to make big mistakes when it comes to all this, but hopefully I never repeat any of these mistakes.

I've had many good friends over the years.  Most of whom I am still in contact with and very close to even if we don't see each other.  Others have decided I'm not a vital part of their lives anymore.  Almost everyone I'm extremely close to has stabbed me in the back, but I did the same at some point.  The fact that we can get past that makes us even closer I believe.  It hurts thinking about why I've lost some people, most (not all) could easily be fixed by a heart-to-heart that I'm more than willing to have but the idea has not been reciprocated.  I know that means they aren't meant to be a current part of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that it does hurt.  Doesn't matter, they may not know or believe this but if ever any of them ever needed me I'd be there in a heartbeat because of how important they once were.

Looking back on all this, I can't help but wonder: would things be different now if part or all of this hadn't have happened in my past?  Would I have been able to just start becoming spontaneous in many aspects of my life?  I wouldn't have Tank if I wasn't so I wouldn't have my only furbaby.  I wouldn't have bought Cleo either (I miss my Little Bit).  Would I be so open to meeting new people?  I don't think I would have gone bowling recently with a group of people I only know because they are regulars where I work if I didn't feel the need to meet new people and surround myself with people who just want to enjoy life.  Would I guard myself, unlike I used to so that I know if someone is worth having my trust?  Doubtful, I was a naive thing for a long time.

The last 6 1/2 years have made me feel more worldly (though, I haven't traveled much at all).  Maybe "somewhat wise" is the phrase I'm looking for.  I've had some interesting experiences, most of which happened between July and now.  Not all of them were great, but some were amazing.  However, I wouldn't trade any of it.

Because of all this, I have what I have now.  The strongest friendships I've ever had with people who will always be there and vice versa.  My own little family of me and my furbaby who makes me smile everyday of my life.  A job, that while doesn't keep my wallet full, makes me happy at the end of the day and has let me meet some awesome people.  And an amazing man who knows about my somewhat screwed up past; he accepts me with all my quirks and insecurities and makes me beautiful, safe, and loved.  I fell for him hard and fast.  Four months and I can't even sleep without him next to me anymore.  It's insane.

Maybe none of this will last forever, maybe it will.  All I know is that honestly I've never been happier.  And I know things wouldn't be this way if my past hadn't set me on this path.

I know the introduction to this post is still a little unnerving and possibly odd to some.  The point was making a complete circle.  I'm amazingly happy and that experience wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have gotten to this place in my life.  Crazy, huh?  Maybe I would never know what it was like to make love.  Ugh, ok even to me that phrase is awkward and cliche haha.  Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm off to bed hopefully.  The boyfriend, his friends, and I are headed to the river tomorrow for a weekend of floating, camping, and drinking.  Finally!  Time away from the craziness of real life :-D  Huh, oddly enough this fits under Thankful Thursdays (yeah yeah I realize it's 4:30 Friday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still Thursday lol).

G'night lovelies!

Love!!

A personal and painful confession

Let me start this by saying, I know my mother and brother will probably read this, along with others who are close to me, and will not like what they are about to read.  This is somewhat of a warning.  If you don't want your picture of me as a strong, independent person who always has and always will deal with all of life's hardships in a rational way, please don't continue reading this.  This is personal confession, and its extremely hard for me to write and make public.  Don't judge me on my past and what I still fight with every day.  With that said, here we go.

The other day, someone close to me was telling me about their past with a mutual friend of ours.  This person told me that the friend supposedly cut themselves to get attention in a rough situation.  They continued to say that they could never understand why someone would do that to themselves and they would never deal with someone who did.

This broke my heart.

People deal with pain, rejection, failure, etc. in many different ways.  Most people can go through life and more or less accept what comes at them.  Others cannot.  Some do not know how to deal with these things that are part of every day life.  You may think they are desperate for attention or being selfish, but honestly, most of the time they aren't.

I have known many people who were or currently are self-mutilators.  They don't tell people, they get caught.  One of the strongest people I have ever met, once had covered their body in over 200 cuts.  They hid it.  One day someone figured it out.  This person still has issues with different types of self-mutilation, but fights it off every time they get the urge.  They've learned how to deal in a different way.

Oddly enough, other ways can be more detrimental.  I've seen so many people turn to drugs or alcohol after being found out.  That ruins lives faster than anything else.  It also directly affects those around you in how you act while under the influence.

Self-mutilators don't always have a mental disorder, such as depression or bi-polarism either; although, there is a good chance that in most cases the person does have at least a slight case of one or the other.  Most often than not, these people internalize their problems.

I'm one of those people who internalize things.  I have a hard time telling people that I'm upset, especially if they are the person that I'm upset with.  I let it all pile up.  I can handle a lot, but over time it adds up.  This usually leads to a big problem that shouldn't have even come up.  I don't like hurting others, I don't like telling them they're wrong or they've done something to hurt me even when it's small.  At the time, I feel it isn't a big deal and I will get over it eventually.  While I may get over it, it eventually comes back up if things continue to happen.

You would think the little things would be the easiest to talk about, but they aren't.  They make me feel like I seem petty, however, I know it would be better to look that way for a short time than like a crazy person later on.

I say all this because I used to be one of these people.  When things got to tough or too much to deal with, I would handle it by releasing my pain physically.  I don't have scars.  You could search my body over and never find evidence of this behavior.  Like I said before, people know how to hide it. 

I'm not saying this for pity, because believe me, the few people that saw the evidence of it made me feel awful about myself and my decision to do it.  I'm finally saying it because you never know people as well as you think you do.  You don't know how the things you say or do affect them.  No, I don't do it anymore.  Yes, I do struggle with the urge occasionally, but very rarely.  I've found other ways to deal: working out, Tank, writing.  I still have a very hard time telling people they've upset or hurt me.  It seems to always cause more problems.  That is most likely because I don't know how to breach the subject gently. 

Personally though, I feel I shouldn't have to worry about someone else's feelings if I'm telling them that they have wronged me.  If it was a misunderstanding, tell me so.  I'm not going to throw a tantrum, I'll just tell you my point of view.  Don't tell me I'm being stupid or too sensitive, that will make the situation worse.  Just because something doesn't or wouldn't bother one person, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. 

I know it is hard for people to understand why others to this to themselves.  Those people seem weak and selfish, and I can understand that point of view.  I just wish for once, someone would try to see things from the "alternative" view.  We internalize.  We're afraid.  We don't feel good about what we've done.  We don't want you to know.  For me, the physical pain was much easier to deal with than emotional.  It was like the act released it from my body temporarily.  It's not a healthy way to deal.  It doesn't make life easier, and doesn't make the issues go away. 

Between this and the ways I deal now, I did try alcohol to a point.  Other than giving me a few nights of blackness, it didn't help at all and left me with painful headaches the next day.  Those around me knew what I was doing and worried about me.  I didn't put myself in compromising situations or drive, but it was still extremely stupid.  I've lost a few people I care about very very much because of this behavior.  I may still have a beer or two after a rough day, but I don't try to deal that way anymore.  It wasn't worth making myself sick, having headaches, or losing people.  Nothing is worth that.

The reason I am posting this and making my personal battle public is because people don't realize that by judging those who do these things, they could very possibly be making it worse.  Don't condemn them, talk to them, find out what's bothering them so much that it could drive them to this behavior.  The answer could be surprisingly simple and easily dealt with or complex enough that they need to seek professional advice.  I realize most people think that anyone who hurts themselves needs professional help, but that's not the answer for everyone.  I don't think I could sit there face-to-face with a complete stranger and tell them my problems.  I'm afraid they will judge me or tell me I'm being stupid.  And yes, I realize that they cannot openly say that, but they can think it.  I'm thankful I have a handful of people who realize I struggle with little things and will listen even if I need to bitch about something that may be insignificant to them.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell the person who made me feel I needed to write this the truth.  I don't want them to worry about every little thing, that maybe it could make me relapse.  Because it isn't like that.  Yes, I have tiny urges at times, but when that happens I grab a cigarette and try to come up with some way to get my mind off of it.  Usually I end up online or working on my book.  Sometimes I go to the gym.  Sometimes I just cry.  Every situation is different, as is every solution.

Judgement isn't the solution, it doesn't help the person.  Compassion and a shoulder to lean on are the best things to offer.  They do so much more than you could ever dream.  It could save a life, in all meanings of the phrase.

Pt2: Dating peeves

Yesterday I ranted about every day pet peeves.  Today, it's dating pet peeves.  These are basically deal breakers for me.  All are things that I have pissed me off in past relationships, and I refuse to deal with them now or in the future.  Don't like it?  Move on.

Being straight out rude to my friends/family.  I understand people have issues with other people, I do.  But let's be nice to those I care about in front of me.  Unless they purposely provoke you, pissing me off isn't going to be worth your time.  I'm a bitch.  You probably know this already, but you will send me into super bitch mode.  They were here before you, and chances are they will be here after you.  They are part of what has shaped me into who I am, so if you really do care about me you should be thankful for them.

Dropping off the face of the planet.  Dear god, what don't guys understand that this is NO WAY to keep a girl interested.  You are all awesome and wanna hang out all the time, and then out of nowhere you don't talk to me or show up in social settings.  I've had so many guys get mad when I lose interest because of this.  Do you expect me to just sit around waiting on you?  Sorry, if you act like you aren't interested anymore, I won't be.  I understand things come up, shit happens.  Give me some indication you're still interested.  Don't wait until I'm talking to someone else to decide to tell me you want to be with me.  I'm not going to come running back.  I'll be your friend and that's about it.

Those stupid flirt/dating apps.  OMG!!!  This caused a major rift a little over a year ago, and I will not compromise on it.  You're seeing someone.  How's about we don't use a singles app to flirt.  If you don't want to flirt with me, leave!  That is the equivalent of flirting with other girls in person.  I saw what was said the last time this happened, and let's just say he had every right to hide it from me.  That's a form of cheating.  If you can't show me because you know it will bother me, you shouldn't be doing it.  I stop "talking" to all other guys when I'm with someone, why can't you do the same?  If you can do it, I can do it.  And I'm worse.  Having a vagina usually means the person is a lot better at flirting and teasing and whatnot.  And trust me, I know how.  Let's not cause super bitch here.

Not giving me girl time.  I need time to be a girl.  Don't get me wrong I like spending time with you, but I go a lil nuts when I don't get to see my girls.  They keep me grounded.  And it makes you seem clingy if you don't spend time with the guys.  Clingy is bad.  I get resentful and well my girls get mad.  Not fun to deal with.

Arguing about stupid shit.  Yeah if I have to explain this one, you're hopeless.

Not going on dates.  This is what has helped kill ummmmm all of my relationships.  God, take to me to dinner every now and then, show me off.  If you're ashamed and don't want to, leave.  I don't need gourmet food to be happy.  Hell, take me to McDonald's but make it fun.  Fun is all that matters.  Take me dancing.  This gets you points.  I love to go dancing.  Picnic, walks, sitting under the stars in the middle of nowhere, etc etc etc.  There are SOOOO many things you can do.



Ugh I have a lot more, but these are my major ones.  The rest I can deal with to a point.  Sadly, these are pretty universal but a lot of guys do them all...  Show me one that doesn't do at least one on a regular basis...  Maybe I'm too picky, but I know one day someone will be able to live up to this.  I'll be patient.  Ish.  lol

Notice I make no mention of ex's?  I don't have a problem with ex's as long as they don't cause a problem for us.  I still talk to most of mine, they were friends before we dated.  Why can't we be friends after?

I gotta get out of the apartment, it's too pretty outside.

Beware the Ides of March!

Love!!!

Pet Peeves pt1

I have begun to realize that many things bother me.  Big surprise there if you know me, right?  So, I decided I would make a list.  Just so ya know, you know why I get aggravated with you or something lol.  There are actually two categories: things anyone can do and things the person I'm dating can do.  Yep, I have a whole other set of things for that one.  Here goes nothin!  Oh, and feedback is more than welcome on this one.

Hand washing.  Having a mother in the medical field and having worked with food and blood, this is a huge thing for me!  I don't wash my hands every other minute or anything, but when you go to the restroom (especially a public one), wash your damn hands.  There are sooooo many germs and bacteria in restrooms!  You can even pick up STIs *gasp!*  Okay maybe not with your hands, unless you like to wipe your hands on toilet seats, but still...

Not brushing your teeth/showering.  Um, you're gonna stink.  I don't want to smell it.  Plus, you look all greasy and gross.  I seem to have a thing about personal hygiene.  Don't get me wrong, if you just plan on sitting at your house all day or only making a quick cigarette trip I can understand not showering (unless you reek).  Hell, I do that occasionally.  Please don't come into my place of employment or a social setting without at least a quick shower and some mouthwash.  Oh, and deodorant.  BO just disgusts me.

Digging into parts of my personal life that are none of your business.  Unless I share it with you, let's not discuss it shall we?  It's personal for a reason.  If I do discuss it with you, that doesn't mean I want everyone to know about it, so let's not bring it up in public.  It's just bad manners.

Disgusting eating habits.  Don't get me wrong, eat all the strange food you want.  I do.  But how about we use utensils with foods that need it?  And don't chomp.  I don't want to see it while your chewing.  Gross.  When people shovel food in their mouth, it disturbs me.  How can you enjoy what you're eating?  This one is kinda a dating thing too.  Please don't be gross or impolite on a date, I WILL NOT go on another date with you.

Bad driving habits.  Please go at least the speed limit, but not way over it either.  And know the right-a-ways.  If someone gets to the stop sign before you, they have precedence.  Ugh, and not paying attention to traffic lights.  I may run a yellow light every now and then, not purposely, but I stop at reds and don't go until it's green.  I was almost hit head on last night by a guy who wasn't paying attention and decided when my light turned green to go across, he could go left across my lane.  My heart almost stopped.  Thankfully the jackass realized his light was still red and stopped in time to miss me.  I can't really bitch about cellphone usage while driving, because I do it, but if you can't drive and do it.  Don't.  I prefer if people don't do it at night or in construction/heavy traffic though.  I try to avoid those just because the risks are much greater.  Be safe.

Telling me my beliefs are wrong.  Big deal to me, this one.  (ha, Yoda sounding)  Everyone has their own beliefs on religion, politics, education, etc, etc, etc.  I will respect the fact that we may not agree, please do the same.  If you want to have a discussion or debate, I'm always up for that, but do not tell me that I'm wrong just because you don't believe in the same things I do.  I was raised to think for myself (thank you mommy and daddy!), and our country was founded on the idea of free thinking.  I don't understand why people think everyone must believe the same things.  Where would we be?  There would be no variety in life.  Hell, why would you even talk to other people?  You would know their opinions already, so why ask?

Treating animals badly.  Ugh!!!  Domestic animals usually do not know how to fend for themselves.  Take care of them.  Don't beat them, starve them, or be a horrible pet owner in general.  If you can't take care of your pet, find someone who can and will.  I understand most of us work, so you can't spend every moment with them.  It happens.  But love on them.  I take Tank to the dog park as often as I can so he gets exercise and meets new dogs, since I live in an apartment.  He also gets doggy playdates occasionally.  The ex has been good about letting me bring him over to see his big sister Roxi, they both need it.  Choke collars.  &$%^#^%$*%!!!!  Please do not use them unless you know how.  They are not good for dogs to begin with, but in the hands of an inexperienced person they are dangerous to the poor animal.  They are for training purposes.  They are not a substitute for a real collar or harness.  How about you let me put that around your neck and pull you around for a day or two and let those spikes dig into your neck???  No?  Then don't do it to your dog.


Okay, this was longer than I expected.  I'll have to do the dating one separate.  I don't want to bog you guys down.  I just needed to get this out lol.

What are your pet peeves?  Anything you would add to my reasonings?

Happy Pi Day, Hump Day, and Steak and a BJ Day!!!

Love!!

Borrowed Christmas Sentiments

Christmas is coming,

My ass is getting fat.

The kids have all gone mental

And the dog just shat. 

I'm oddly rather horny —

Just a quickie shag'll do.

If you can't put out for Christmas

Then really, fuck you.  

Christmas is coming,
I don't mean to be a crank,
But get your shit together
And then I want a spank.

There's so much crap to do
And I hate to be so blunt.
But after all the chores are done
You need to lick my cunt.

Your folks are staying over —
A tiny piece of Hell.
I think I've more than earned
For you to ring my bell.

This time of year is when
I really start to twitch
'Cos Christmas is coming...
Ain't she a lucky bitch.

I borrowed this wonderful little poem from a good friend of mine, Lady Estrogen.  This is basically how I feel about the holiday season.  Just gimme a good roll in the hay or a quickie now and then, and I'm content with that present.

I'll update you guys tomorrow on the craziness that is my family Christmas's.  I even have videos this year!!

I hope you all got exactly what/who you wanted this year!!!

Love!!

Uncertain Truths

These past few weeks have been very trying times for me.  Hopefully I will soon be able to share some of this with you my friends, but I haven't seen the end of it all and don't want to make much out things that could be insignificant.

I have, however, come to some realizations about myself that I felt have changed me somewhat.  If you don't mind, I want to share some of these things with you.  You all have come to know me so well, some even better than I know myself, and have shared some of your innermost secrets and feelings with me, so I feel I owe it to you to do the same.

My beliefs have become very convoluted and mixed.  I believe in the power of the earth.  I believe we are not alone but what else there could be eludes me.  I believe that we must respect our place here on earth and respect the earth itself.  At times, I feel so insignificant that I cannot seem to even imagine where I fit in in this complex and enormous universe.

My past has also come back to haunt me quite a bit lately.  Things that I thought I had blocked out or forgot have come rushing back.  I've realized how messed up my mind really is at times because of these things.  I am damaged.  I have issues.  Yes, we all are and we all do, but I can't seem to come to terms with my past.  Every time I think I've got it under control, I lose it.  I don't think anyone really knows everything I've been through.  It scares me to share with anyone.  I'm afraid people won't respect me or will blame me for these things. 

Part of me thinks I will never find someone who can accept me with all my baggage.  Who won't judge or hold things against me when I do or say odd things.  Like, there are days I need to be completely alone.  No human interaction, no pups, nothing.  For some reason that offends people.  Yes, these tend to be the days I lock myself away and just cry.  There really isn't a reason, it just happens.  Or what I like to call "my moods."  I get severely depressed at times, for unknown reasons.  I can't explain what's wrong because I don't know.

I'm ready to settle down but at the same time, I'm afraid to lose my independence.  I don't want to have to answer to anyone.  I hate being questioned about what I'm doing or who I'm talking to or why I'm doing what I'm doing.  I need someone who can keep up with me but stand back and let me be me at the same time.

I miss the country.  Give me trees and dirt and (eek) bugs over all this concrete any day.  I miss being able to clearly see the stars and walk in the grass barefooted.  I need room to roam and escape.  I'm a country girl at heart, as much as I love the city.  I am high maintenance for a country girl, I like my clothes, shoes, jewelry, and electronics.  But I can have all this without living in the middle of town.  Without having to worry about waking my neighbors when I decide I want to have 50 people over to drink and have a good time.

I have to have a nightlife or I go crazy.  I'm talkin, bar one night, club the next, and naked pool beer pong the next!  Here lately, my free time has been spent drinking and partying.  Yes, I know I'm getting too old to do this all the time, but I don't care.  I crave the atmosphere.  I'm not one to sit at home every night watching television or the like.  I can't sit still.  I'd rather sleep all day and be up all night.

Maybe I've always known these things about myself.  Maybe I just need to get them out there and accept it all.  I feel like there is more to life than what I have been dealt and I want it all.  I want my own family, my nightlife, my country-in-stilettos dream.  I want to be accepted for the screwed up person I am and not be questioned because of my beliefs or past experiences.

So there is what has been eating at me.  It feels good to get some of that out there.  I have some catching up to do on all of your blogs and I promise to get on that pronto.  As soon as I get my a/c fixed.  AGAIN.  This computer kills me when it's hot in my house.

Hope y'all are having wonderful weekends.  Give the kiddos hugs for me when they head back to school.

G'night lovelies, and thank you for being here for me.  It is appreciated more than you will ever know.

Love!!

On Fire!!!

What?  Yeah, that's right.  I'm on fire.  Physically (mostly from the crazy Oklahoma weather, but partly from working out).  Emotionally (not in the good way, things kinda suck but that's life).  And my blog apparently!!  In my unintended leave of absence from my lil corner of the blogosphere, my lovely bloggie bestie Sarcasm Goddess gave me an award.  She's pretty amazing and absolutely hilarious, you should check her out!  She's the one who really got me out of my shell on here and basically killed my habit of blushing when blogging about vaginas and the whatnot that goes along with them.  She gave me this award because I "pierce my body without fear" and because I'm almost as awesome as she is.

If you haven't looked through my blog, then you wouldn't know that I have 11 body piercings.  That's right, 11.  I plan to add to that number, but I'm not sure what I want next.  I'll have to do a future post with a poll in it possibly.

Anyway, things haven't really changed much around here.  The dogs are still being nutty.  Although, Tank did decide to go on a dog's version of a panty raid this morning when we opened the backdoor for them.  He went through BOTH of my purses that were out on the end table and decided that their contents needed to decorate the backyard.  My checkbook, ID, debit card, cash, lotion, camera, GPS, and random other things were strewn about, shredded if possible.  NOT how I wanted to wake up today...

After cleaning up the yard as best I could, still looking for my house key... I called my bank to report my card "lost or stolen".  Yes, I'm lazy and instead of going in I just called that number.  Here's how the beginning of that conversation went:

Lady: blahblahblah bank how may I help you?

Me: Um... I need to report my debit card... uh... eaten by my dog...

Lady: Seriously? *giggles*  That sounds kinda like the "dog ate my homework" excuse.

Me: No really, he chewed it up... It isn't usable now....

Lady: Oh.  Well I can.... blahblahblah

Do they really think I would make up something THAT ridiculous?!?!?!  Okay, yeah they can see all the weird ass places I use my card, but still.  Doesn't mean they know me!!

So dumbass I am, instead of seeing if I can still use my card, I get it cancelled and now have little to no access to my paycheck I got 24 hours ago... I wrote a check for a damn T-shirt tonight!!  It was worth it though, it was a Fangtasia T-shirt from True Blood (vamp obsession, remember?).  Oh and I got another one for half off that has female super heroes and says "We Run This Town."  Love it!  I also replaced the clutch Tank destroyed above.  It was red and black leopard print and is absolutely perfect to use for going out!

Yeah I think that's about the only real story I have from my LoA.  I'll have more things later as they unfold, but I don't want to drag on and on, so on to the award section!!!

So the rules for this are: thank who gave it to me, 7 factos, and 10 recipients.  I think we can do this.  As I said in the beginning, the wonderful and amazing Sarcasm Goddess gave me this prestigious award.  She is the embodiment of awesome-ness.

1. This award makes me super happy because I am a pyro.  I love the flames on the picture.  However, when I saw a local apartment complex on fire today I almost vomited.  I know people who lived/still live there.  It was awful.  Two buildings completely destroyed... Cars on fire... One of my coworkers/friends is probably staying with me for awhile because of this.
2. I have lost 10 more pounds since I started working out!  I'm down to 176 which is amazing!!  I can fit some of my old clothes.  Still a ways to go, but I'm happy with the progress.
3. I believe in ghosts.  I've seen and felt ghosts.  I don't care how crazy that makes me sound, I know what I've experienced.
4. My great great some-or-other great uncle was the guy who pulled Belle Starr (Oklahoma outlaw) out of the river when she was shot off her horse.  My great great some-or-other great grandmother was with her when she died.
5. My phone is dumb.  It has decided that it will only charge in the warehouse at work or sometimes when plugged up to my computer unless I want to hold it up in the air for hours.  I really need to call the warranty people about it... I miss my iPhone4...
6. I've come to realize that some of the people I've been really close to lately are starting to offend me.  They make snide remarks or blow off how I feel about things.  I'm not one to be walked all over or ignored.  Maybe they should read this... I've started avoiding them when I can, they don't even realize it.
7. My job has really been the bright part of my days lately.  I love my customers; the crazy old men, flirty guys, loving women, grandmothers, cooks, nurses, all of them!  Most people would say it must suck that work is the bright part of my day, but since all I seem to do now is work (meh, it brings in the moneys... that I can't really get to right now...) it's good that it's a bright part.

And for my On Fire Blogs!

• Chasing Joy
• Crazy With a Side of Awesome Sauce
• Dixie Creek Farm
• Free Bird Train
• I Fight for the Phoque
• In Doctorly Fashion
• It's the {little} Things...
• Little Bits of Missy Me
• My P90X Journey
• Ramblings of a Fabulous Brunette

If I have to explain my reasoning for choosing these wonderful women, well, you don't know good blogging!  Haha, just kidding, but still they are all absolutely amazing!!

Off to bed to begin this long ass week of work, but first finishing Ghost Adventures with Zak Bagan... yumm...

Love!!

My first bloggie award!!!

I'm super excited today!  I was nominated for a sweet little bloggie award!

Receiving this comes with some rules, of course.



My wonderful friend Jaimie over at Legos in my Pocket gave it to me!  You should definitely check her out!




So, I guess a few random facts would be a good way to tell you about myself.

1. I'm obsessed with penguins and elephants.  I have my granny's elephant collection from around the world (minus a few pieces) and penguins are somewhat of a long story (Now I know what to blog about when I have writers block!!).  
2. My favorite colors are black, pink, and silver.  I try to incorporate one or more into my wardrobe every day.  My mother still gripes at me for wearing so much black.  I can't help that I like the way I look in it, haha!
3. My favorite wildflower is the Indian Paintbrush.  I don't care what the botany people say, it IS a flower!!  Lol
4. I could listen to Foreigner, Frank Sinatra, and Avenged Sevenfold all day long.  Throw in some Joe Nichols and Garth and it's a party!!
5. My boyfriend Matt sounds just like Justin Timberlake when he sings.  Sshhhh, don't tell him I told you guys!
6. I am currently in the middle of making chicken and dumplings for the first time.  This should be interesting!

Now I have to pick 10 wonderful bloggers to receive this award... hmmmm....

Amber over at Social Butterfly



Meagan over at Fairly Fabulous


Jennee at Cheap Therapy


The Sarcasm Goddess at For the Love of Writing

Ixy at Illusion


Katie is Everywhere


Pretty at Real Housewife of Singapore


Nadine at Shine On

Kendra at A Grimm Tale

EK at A Thousand Different Pieces


Back to my Chicken and Dumplings now!!

Love!!