Moving blues and shady bosses

This whole moving business is driving me absolutely crazy!  I don't remember the last time being quite this insane... Granted I had someone helping me pack/move everything AND a new lease already signed.

I have to be out of my apartment in a week, and I don't have a place to move into or a job lined up in Tulsa... In fact, I don't even know when the BF and I are moving to Tulsa.

Okay, I guess this needs a little of explaining.  If you've followed my sporadic posts, you know I have been trying to move to Tulsa for quite some time now.  It was just lucky that when I met the BF, he was already thinking of moving there as well.  The company he works for is opening 3-6 new stores in and around Tulsa and asked him to open/run one.  Unfortunately, the owners seem to be VERY unorganized.

The first store was originally scheduled to opened almost a year and a half ago.  It still isn't open.  Official open date is now June 6th.  We'll see. 

When he first asked about possible help with moving expenses, the BF was told that the company would help with the moving truck, deposits, and first month's rent (and another employee that is being moved mentioned an offer of paying a pet deposit).  This would just leave us finding a house in a suitable neighborhood (if you know anything about the Tulsa area, you know much of the actual city is getting pretty rough in terms of the inhabitants).  I found us a PERFECT house--3 bedroom, walk-in closets, big backyard with a firepit, fireplace, gas stove in a huge kitchen (limited cabinet space, but moveable shelving can fix that), indoor/outdoor pets allowed, and the realtor loved me.  It was 5-10 minutes (depending on traffic) from where he is to start working, with a movie theatre, shopping, mall, hospital, and great restaurants in close proximity.  Near the Muskogee Turnpike and 412, so getting to both my parents' house and Meme's wouldn't be difficult.  Like I said, perfect.

The last few weeks, he's been getting the run-around when it comes to getting all the assistance finalized.

Enter yesterday....

He finally gets a hold of the majority owner of the company who is in charge of all the financial aspects... Said owner offers to only help pay half of the moving truck costs... This is after he offered the previous offer to the other employee they are moving to the stores (said employee had already paid all the costs themselves).  His reasoning?  The BF seemed set on the idea of moving to Tulsa before they offered him a store.

Wait... What???  He had entertained the idea of moving somewhere, but never told his employers.  When offered the chance to run a store, he jumped at it.

How is it that you offer one employee full assistance but won't offer the same or even close to it to someone who has jumped at every chance they have been given for more responsibility?  You fire the GM and instead of bringing someone in, you have him take on more without a raise.  Yet they aren't valuable enough to pay for them to move to open your new store?  Another fact, the other employee is female.  One can make the strong argument of sexist policies with this.

I'm just so frustrated...

The BF has a two-step idea to get things paid for: letter, then get his sister involved (apparently she has quite a bit of experience in this sort of situation, I'm not sure what she even does).  I have a three-step idea: his two, and if neither of those work, let me talk to them.  I can be pretty convincing if need be.  Now if you're wondering what I mean by a "letter", it's pretty simple: voice his concerns about what his pay will be, which store will be his, what official policies are for the above situation, etc, ending with a phrase similar to "I look forward to the opportunity to grow with this company and take on more responsibility in the hopes of moving up, however, I must also consider what is best for me financially, career-wise, and for my personal well-being as time goes on."  I think that gets the point across that he wants to stay with them, but is willing to look elsewhere if they continue to screw him over.  I told him to start hinting to his coworkers about other job prospects without saying anything specific.  I know at least one person will run to the owners.  While he can't say he's looking for another job outright without jeopardizing his current position, he can make them think there is a possibility of losing someone they couldn't have been without the last few months.

To top all of this, my last day at my current job is tomorrow... I have a few prospects for jobs if we'll be here for a few more weeks, one temp job and one part to full-time job.  I may just take both if I get the nod.  Gotta save up the monies if we're going to have to pay for everything ourselves...  And without rent to worry about that shouldn't take too long.

I don't have my kiddos at the moment either... Sugar (my cat) is at a friend's house (got caught with her and she isn't on my lease... oops...).  Tank is at mom and dad's.  I hate not having them.  They make me so happy, even when they are being difficult.  They cuddle when I need it and give me something to do when I need to get my mind off things.  I can see Sugar whenever I want, Tank is more difficult seeing as how he is nearly 3 hours away.  Can't wait to get them back.  Another reason we need to get this all figured out soon.


Maybe I'm overreacting... I don't feel like I am. 

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?  I'm basically at a loss...

Ugh...

Good Enough

It's been a rough few days.  I've come to realize I'm not good enough.  I'm not good enough to have a steady job.  I'm not good enough for most people to stick by me.  I'm not even good enough for the person I love.  I'm just not.

People keep telling me that to be good enough for other people, I have to be good enough for me.

Why?  I've been completely broken and fucked up.  How am I ever going to be good enough for me?  I let someone rip me limb from limb and went back asking for more.  I handed them my heart and soul and very being on silver platter to do what they wished with.  And they did.  They destroyed me.

Why is it that I've finally been able to trust again and open up, and that isn't good enough?  I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is for me to even go out in public (even to this day), let alone let anyone in my life.

I try.  All I want to do is make those around me happy.  That is what makes me happy.

I was told that it's okay that I'm broken, it's okay that I'm fucked up.  That they still love me and they can handle everything that comes with that.  But can you?  Can you handle the constant nightmares?  The random panic attacks?  The days I don't want to be touched?  My severe mood swings?  The fact that I can be extremely needy for no reason at all (I can't even explain it)?  That I hate being alone, especially at night?  That I'm afraid of it?

Honestly, even my closest friends can't handle all that.  I just need someone to see all of this and say "It's going to be hard, but you're going to get through this.  And I'll be there every step of the way.  Even through the difficult times, I'll be there no matter what.  I'll love you no matter what."

I really don't think I can do this on my own anymore.  It's just made it worse.  But I can't talk to anyone about it.  My friends think it means I'm not over that person.  And I don't like bringing up what happened to my boyfriend or that I'm still always hurting (no matter how badly I need to talk about it) because I see the hurt in his eyes.

The sad thing is, even when I'm hurting more than ever, all he has to do is take me in his arms and I calm down.  My mind stops screaming.  The nightmares are bearable.  I can't do that for him though.  I can't do that for anyone. 

Maybe they won't let me.  I don't know.  Honestly though, it hurts more anything that has been done to me to know that I can't.  I finally found people that I trust again yet I still feel worthless.

I've given them my heart.  My trust.  My energy.  My time.  And in one case, my body.  Everything I have to give.  But it's not enough. 


All I want is to be good enough... And because I'm broken, I never will be...

Test of strength

Today has been one of the most emotionally draining days I have had in a while (yesterday, whatever you want to call it).  Some people call it a test of faith, others would say its a road block or stepping stone.  Whatever the fuck it is, it hurts so fucking much.

I've been torn down and treated like shit in the past.  I've had people use me and walk all over me.  But I don't think I've ever been made to feel this worthless.  Empty can't even begin to describe the feeling in my chest right now. 

Maybe I fell too hard and too fast.  Maybe thinking I was worthy of some amazing was too much.  Maybe I shouldn't trust anyone anymore.

I guess you can figure out that the boyfriend did something really really wrong.  I don't want to get into details and drag down anyone's character or make him out to be a bad person, so I'm not going to do that.  The few of you that know how to contact me personally can do so and I'll share a little bit.  I just don't see the need to let the entire world know all the details.

It happened early early this morning.  After getting in a good (if you want to call it that), long cry, I went to church for the first time in years.  Not for this reason.  The wife of a good friend of mine invited me out for his surprise birthday at their church.  Personally, I was afraid I was going to be struck by lightening, but I hadn't seen him in awhile and knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.  So off to a church an hour away I went.

If you know me or have followed my posts, you know I'm not a religious person.  One could go as far as saying I don't know what I do or don't believe in.  However, the message this "Holy Roller" preacher had this morning really hit home and I believe it would for anyone no matter their beliefs.  Basically he said that God wants people who have been through hell to share his message, not those that had not been through trials or hard times.  Because only those that have been through it and come through it can share the true grace of God with others.

I say it could work for anyone because honestly, I wouldn't want people close to me who haven't been tested and haven't had hard times in their lives giving me advice or trying to help me through things (and isn't that what good friends do?).  I can't trust that someone who hasn't been through a difficult time could do much of anything other than say "I'm sorry."  Not that it's a bad thing if you haven't been tested, but for as much shit as I've been through it's hard to talk to people who've had it pretty easy.

You have to have faith in whatever you believe in when times are near impossible.  You have to have faith in yourself.  That you're a strong person and you will get through anything no matter what.  You have to know that you have at least one person there for you, whether they're an obvious choice or not.  Everyone has someone they can lean on when they absolutely need it.

Now I'm not in any shape to be saying this right now or giving advice.  I'm bawling.  Again.  But I know I have those people.  I know I'm a strong person when I have nothing else.  I may be crushed and empty and just wanting to crawl in a hole at the moment, but I know whatever happens I will come through it and I have people who will drag me out of my hole kicking and screaming so I will face hardships head on and come out stronger (if not more cold hearted).

I don't know what I'm going to do about my current situation.  None of the choices presented seem logical, even though there are maybe 3-4 tops, 2 for sure.  I know whatever I do, it's going to be hard for me trust again or put myself out there.  But I'm strong.  And when I have moments when I can't be, like now, I have people who are willing to be strong for me.  Or at least get me drunk so I don't give a fuck.

Basically, have faith in YOU and know you are not alone in anything.

G'night.

Would things be different?

I made love for the first time the other night.  I've had one-night-stands, great sex, been straight out fucked, but never until then had I made love.  I don't know if he'd call it the same thing, guys have this strange aversion to the phrase "making love" I've noticed.  But screw what he thinks in this instance.  Yes.  Yes.  It was amazing.  I love the feeling of his arms around me anytime, add that to intense intimacy and you've got me hooked like a cat on catnip.  As much as I'd love to go into details, I'm gonna keep those to myself.

Strange way to start a post that sounds very retro- and intro-spective from the title, right?  Basically, I don't know how I got here.  Ok I do, you don't.  I used to be what some would call a goody-good, now I'm a partier who's always up for trying new and crazy things.  I was the one who got Mom and Bubba going to church when I was in middle school.  I was very devout for several years, was even asked to be a counselor at camp by the dean of the camp.  Unfortunately, I was made to feel like an outcast and like a bad believer for reasons I still don't know.  So I decided to live my life my way and enjoy whatever I could.  I'm happier this way.  I don't feel like I'm not living up to someone else's expectations of me.

I look back on everything I've done, the people I've met, and the things that have happened to me, and I wonder if I would be where I am now if things hadn't been the way they were--and if I were here anyway, would the way I feel be any different?

I moved around a lot as a kid.  We were never a military family, my parents were just always looking for better opportunities for Bubba and I.  Until they moved to their current location, I was never in one school longer than 4 years.  I did live in the same house for 8, but changed schools twice.  After 4 years in Norman, I have to itch to move.  Nothing too drastic, probably just Tulsa, but its still there.  Unfortunately, I don't have the funds and even if I did my lease isn't up for awhile.  Well... that and I found something worth staying for.  Or someone I should say.  Thankfully, we both had plans to move there before we met.  It's early but I think it's pretty awesome that we found each other in the midst of starting plans to move to the same city.  It's better than meeting someone and leaving without them shortly after or staying somewhere you don't want to be just for someone new.  Hopefully things work out well.

I dated a lot of losers over the last few years.  Actually, that's unfair.  I've become friends with most of them since, and for the most part, they're all pretty awesome guys.  Just not who I should be with.  They had their redeeming qualities while I was with them, and I'm sure most of those reasons are why we can now be friends, but meshing with me was not one of them.  That, and they all broke my heart in one way or another.  Oddly enough, I only went into a depression because of one of them, other times it was them.  Strange when you think about it... You hurt me, I leave you, you're the one depressed...  Doesn't entirely make sense now that I think about it, but what in this world really does?  I learned about myself from those guys, so I'm thankful.

With that said, some of the guys I dated messed me up for awhile.  I've been cheated on, used, emotionally and physically abused (not to an extreme on either, but it still fucks you up), and things I don't entirely want to list on here.  Men can be awful creatures.  So can women.  I could be controlling and possessive, I used to be highly jealous person, I'm sure I tore a few guys down.  Some of it was defense mechanisms, other times it was immaturity and insecurity.  I'm still young so I'm probably still going to make big mistakes when it comes to all this, but hopefully I never repeat any of these mistakes.

I've had many good friends over the years.  Most of whom I am still in contact with and very close to even if we don't see each other.  Others have decided I'm not a vital part of their lives anymore.  Almost everyone I'm extremely close to has stabbed me in the back, but I did the same at some point.  The fact that we can get past that makes us even closer I believe.  It hurts thinking about why I've lost some people, most (not all) could easily be fixed by a heart-to-heart that I'm more than willing to have but the idea has not been reciprocated.  I know that means they aren't meant to be a current part of my life, but that doesn't change the fact that it does hurt.  Doesn't matter, they may not know or believe this but if ever any of them ever needed me I'd be there in a heartbeat because of how important they once were.

Looking back on all this, I can't help but wonder: would things be different now if part or all of this hadn't have happened in my past?  Would I have been able to just start becoming spontaneous in many aspects of my life?  I wouldn't have Tank if I wasn't so I wouldn't have my only furbaby.  I wouldn't have bought Cleo either (I miss my Little Bit).  Would I be so open to meeting new people?  I don't think I would have gone bowling recently with a group of people I only know because they are regulars where I work if I didn't feel the need to meet new people and surround myself with people who just want to enjoy life.  Would I guard myself, unlike I used to so that I know if someone is worth having my trust?  Doubtful, I was a naive thing for a long time.

The last 6 1/2 years have made me feel more worldly (though, I haven't traveled much at all).  Maybe "somewhat wise" is the phrase I'm looking for.  I've had some interesting experiences, most of which happened between July and now.  Not all of them were great, but some were amazing.  However, I wouldn't trade any of it.

Because of all this, I have what I have now.  The strongest friendships I've ever had with people who will always be there and vice versa.  My own little family of me and my furbaby who makes me smile everyday of my life.  A job, that while doesn't keep my wallet full, makes me happy at the end of the day and has let me meet some awesome people.  And an amazing man who knows about my somewhat screwed up past; he accepts me with all my quirks and insecurities and makes me beautiful, safe, and loved.  I fell for him hard and fast.  Four months and I can't even sleep without him next to me anymore.  It's insane.

Maybe none of this will last forever, maybe it will.  All I know is that honestly I've never been happier.  And I know things wouldn't be this way if my past hadn't set me on this path.

I know the introduction to this post is still a little unnerving and possibly odd to some.  The point was making a complete circle.  I'm amazingly happy and that experience wouldn't have happened if I hadn't have gotten to this place in my life.  Crazy, huh?  Maybe I would never know what it was like to make love.  Ugh, ok even to me that phrase is awkward and cliche haha.  Oh well, it is what it is.

I'm off to bed hopefully.  The boyfriend, his friends, and I are headed to the river tomorrow for a weekend of floating, camping, and drinking.  Finally!  Time away from the craziness of real life :-D  Huh, oddly enough this fits under Thankful Thursdays (yeah yeah I realize it's 4:30 Friday morning but I haven't gone to bed yet so it's still Thursday lol).

G'night lovelies!

Love!!

Two Days

Two days... 

Two days until they cut into Meme's head...

Two days until they cut into Meme's head and roto-rooter her main artery...

I was finally given a date for Meme's surgery: Tuesday.  I'm more nervous than she is, I think.  I'm not entirely sure how to deal with the thought of this. 

A lil background...

Meme is my paternal grandmother, and the only grandparent I have left.  When I was younger, I spent the majority of my summers in Tulsa at her house.  We'd go swimming, shopping, camping, watch movies, cook, read, take walks, and just sit and talk.

She basically raised my brother and I for half of our childhood.  I don't know what I would do if I lost her.  Not now.

A little over two years ago, my mother's uncle died.  He treated my brother and I like we were grandchildren.  He was, in fact, the only grandfather we really knew on that side of the family.  It was very sudden.  One month we were told he had to have a mucus ball removed from his lung, and not much later we were visiting him in the hospital as he was dying of lung cancer.  It took until the following July for his daughters to start going through the house.  I ended up with many of his wife's elephants that she has spent her life collecting from around the world.  Granny Barb had died several years before that from the same type of lung cancer.

I say all this to explain why I wouldn't be able to handle a bad outcome.  I only just recently found out about her issues, so I still haven't quite gotten over the initial shock.  She means the world to me.  I'd lose it if I lost her.

Bubba and Meme

Prayers, thoughts, good juju, whatever you do and believe in would be much appreciated.

Love!!

Where Matt thinks we're taking a vacay...

Over my dead body...



I think I might actually be convicted of homicide if he tries to drag me here.

About to head to bed so I can get up early for my photoshoot in the morning.  *eek*  I'm nervous.

Love!!