Moving blues and shady bosses

This whole moving business is driving me absolutely crazy!  I don't remember the last time being quite this insane... Granted I had someone helping me pack/move everything AND a new lease already signed.

I have to be out of my apartment in a week, and I don't have a place to move into or a job lined up in Tulsa... In fact, I don't even know when the BF and I are moving to Tulsa.

Okay, I guess this needs a little of explaining.  If you've followed my sporadic posts, you know I have been trying to move to Tulsa for quite some time now.  It was just lucky that when I met the BF, he was already thinking of moving there as well.  The company he works for is opening 3-6 new stores in and around Tulsa and asked him to open/run one.  Unfortunately, the owners seem to be VERY unorganized.

The first store was originally scheduled to opened almost a year and a half ago.  It still isn't open.  Official open date is now June 6th.  We'll see. 

When he first asked about possible help with moving expenses, the BF was told that the company would help with the moving truck, deposits, and first month's rent (and another employee that is being moved mentioned an offer of paying a pet deposit).  This would just leave us finding a house in a suitable neighborhood (if you know anything about the Tulsa area, you know much of the actual city is getting pretty rough in terms of the inhabitants).  I found us a PERFECT house--3 bedroom, walk-in closets, big backyard with a firepit, fireplace, gas stove in a huge kitchen (limited cabinet space, but moveable shelving can fix that), indoor/outdoor pets allowed, and the realtor loved me.  It was 5-10 minutes (depending on traffic) from where he is to start working, with a movie theatre, shopping, mall, hospital, and great restaurants in close proximity.  Near the Muskogee Turnpike and 412, so getting to both my parents' house and Meme's wouldn't be difficult.  Like I said, perfect.

The last few weeks, he's been getting the run-around when it comes to getting all the assistance finalized.

Enter yesterday....

He finally gets a hold of the majority owner of the company who is in charge of all the financial aspects... Said owner offers to only help pay half of the moving truck costs... This is after he offered the previous offer to the other employee they are moving to the stores (said employee had already paid all the costs themselves).  His reasoning?  The BF seemed set on the idea of moving to Tulsa before they offered him a store.

Wait... What???  He had entertained the idea of moving somewhere, but never told his employers.  When offered the chance to run a store, he jumped at it.

How is it that you offer one employee full assistance but won't offer the same or even close to it to someone who has jumped at every chance they have been given for more responsibility?  You fire the GM and instead of bringing someone in, you have him take on more without a raise.  Yet they aren't valuable enough to pay for them to move to open your new store?  Another fact, the other employee is female.  One can make the strong argument of sexist policies with this.

I'm just so frustrated...

The BF has a two-step idea to get things paid for: letter, then get his sister involved (apparently she has quite a bit of experience in this sort of situation, I'm not sure what she even does).  I have a three-step idea: his two, and if neither of those work, let me talk to them.  I can be pretty convincing if need be.  Now if you're wondering what I mean by a "letter", it's pretty simple: voice his concerns about what his pay will be, which store will be his, what official policies are for the above situation, etc, ending with a phrase similar to "I look forward to the opportunity to grow with this company and take on more responsibility in the hopes of moving up, however, I must also consider what is best for me financially, career-wise, and for my personal well-being as time goes on."  I think that gets the point across that he wants to stay with them, but is willing to look elsewhere if they continue to screw him over.  I told him to start hinting to his coworkers about other job prospects without saying anything specific.  I know at least one person will run to the owners.  While he can't say he's looking for another job outright without jeopardizing his current position, he can make them think there is a possibility of losing someone they couldn't have been without the last few months.

To top all of this, my last day at my current job is tomorrow... I have a few prospects for jobs if we'll be here for a few more weeks, one temp job and one part to full-time job.  I may just take both if I get the nod.  Gotta save up the monies if we're going to have to pay for everything ourselves...  And without rent to worry about that shouldn't take too long.

I don't have my kiddos at the moment either... Sugar (my cat) is at a friend's house (got caught with her and she isn't on my lease... oops...).  Tank is at mom and dad's.  I hate not having them.  They make me so happy, even when they are being difficult.  They cuddle when I need it and give me something to do when I need to get my mind off things.  I can see Sugar whenever I want, Tank is more difficult seeing as how he is nearly 3 hours away.  Can't wait to get them back.  Another reason we need to get this all figured out soon.


Maybe I'm overreacting... I don't feel like I am. 

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts?  I'm basically at a loss...

Ugh...

Test of strength

Today has been one of the most emotionally draining days I have had in a while (yesterday, whatever you want to call it).  Some people call it a test of faith, others would say its a road block or stepping stone.  Whatever the fuck it is, it hurts so fucking much.

I've been torn down and treated like shit in the past.  I've had people use me and walk all over me.  But I don't think I've ever been made to feel this worthless.  Empty can't even begin to describe the feeling in my chest right now. 

Maybe I fell too hard and too fast.  Maybe thinking I was worthy of some amazing was too much.  Maybe I shouldn't trust anyone anymore.

I guess you can figure out that the boyfriend did something really really wrong.  I don't want to get into details and drag down anyone's character or make him out to be a bad person, so I'm not going to do that.  The few of you that know how to contact me personally can do so and I'll share a little bit.  I just don't see the need to let the entire world know all the details.

It happened early early this morning.  After getting in a good (if you want to call it that), long cry, I went to church for the first time in years.  Not for this reason.  The wife of a good friend of mine invited me out for his surprise birthday at their church.  Personally, I was afraid I was going to be struck by lightening, but I hadn't seen him in awhile and knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.  So off to a church an hour away I went.

If you know me or have followed my posts, you know I'm not a religious person.  One could go as far as saying I don't know what I do or don't believe in.  However, the message this "Holy Roller" preacher had this morning really hit home and I believe it would for anyone no matter their beliefs.  Basically he said that God wants people who have been through hell to share his message, not those that had not been through trials or hard times.  Because only those that have been through it and come through it can share the true grace of God with others.

I say it could work for anyone because honestly, I wouldn't want people close to me who haven't been tested and haven't had hard times in their lives giving me advice or trying to help me through things (and isn't that what good friends do?).  I can't trust that someone who hasn't been through a difficult time could do much of anything other than say "I'm sorry."  Not that it's a bad thing if you haven't been tested, but for as much shit as I've been through it's hard to talk to people who've had it pretty easy.

You have to have faith in whatever you believe in when times are near impossible.  You have to have faith in yourself.  That you're a strong person and you will get through anything no matter what.  You have to know that you have at least one person there for you, whether they're an obvious choice or not.  Everyone has someone they can lean on when they absolutely need it.

Now I'm not in any shape to be saying this right now or giving advice.  I'm bawling.  Again.  But I know I have those people.  I know I'm a strong person when I have nothing else.  I may be crushed and empty and just wanting to crawl in a hole at the moment, but I know whatever happens I will come through it and I have people who will drag me out of my hole kicking and screaming so I will face hardships head on and come out stronger (if not more cold hearted).

I don't know what I'm going to do about my current situation.  None of the choices presented seem logical, even though there are maybe 3-4 tops, 2 for sure.  I know whatever I do, it's going to be hard for me trust again or put myself out there.  But I'm strong.  And when I have moments when I can't be, like now, I have people who are willing to be strong for me.  Or at least get me drunk so I don't give a fuck.

Basically, have faith in YOU and know you are not alone in anything.

G'night.

A personal and painful confession

Let me start this by saying, I know my mother and brother will probably read this, along with others who are close to me, and will not like what they are about to read.  This is somewhat of a warning.  If you don't want your picture of me as a strong, independent person who always has and always will deal with all of life's hardships in a rational way, please don't continue reading this.  This is personal confession, and its extremely hard for me to write and make public.  Don't judge me on my past and what I still fight with every day.  With that said, here we go.

The other day, someone close to me was telling me about their past with a mutual friend of ours.  This person told me that the friend supposedly cut themselves to get attention in a rough situation.  They continued to say that they could never understand why someone would do that to themselves and they would never deal with someone who did.

This broke my heart.

People deal with pain, rejection, failure, etc. in many different ways.  Most people can go through life and more or less accept what comes at them.  Others cannot.  Some do not know how to deal with these things that are part of every day life.  You may think they are desperate for attention or being selfish, but honestly, most of the time they aren't.

I have known many people who were or currently are self-mutilators.  They don't tell people, they get caught.  One of the strongest people I have ever met, once had covered their body in over 200 cuts.  They hid it.  One day someone figured it out.  This person still has issues with different types of self-mutilation, but fights it off every time they get the urge.  They've learned how to deal in a different way.

Oddly enough, other ways can be more detrimental.  I've seen so many people turn to drugs or alcohol after being found out.  That ruins lives faster than anything else.  It also directly affects those around you in how you act while under the influence.

Self-mutilators don't always have a mental disorder, such as depression or bi-polarism either; although, there is a good chance that in most cases the person does have at least a slight case of one or the other.  Most often than not, these people internalize their problems.

I'm one of those people who internalize things.  I have a hard time telling people that I'm upset, especially if they are the person that I'm upset with.  I let it all pile up.  I can handle a lot, but over time it adds up.  This usually leads to a big problem that shouldn't have even come up.  I don't like hurting others, I don't like telling them they're wrong or they've done something to hurt me even when it's small.  At the time, I feel it isn't a big deal and I will get over it eventually.  While I may get over it, it eventually comes back up if things continue to happen.

You would think the little things would be the easiest to talk about, but they aren't.  They make me feel like I seem petty, however, I know it would be better to look that way for a short time than like a crazy person later on.

I say all this because I used to be one of these people.  When things got to tough or too much to deal with, I would handle it by releasing my pain physically.  I don't have scars.  You could search my body over and never find evidence of this behavior.  Like I said before, people know how to hide it. 

I'm not saying this for pity, because believe me, the few people that saw the evidence of it made me feel awful about myself and my decision to do it.  I'm finally saying it because you never know people as well as you think you do.  You don't know how the things you say or do affect them.  No, I don't do it anymore.  Yes, I do struggle with the urge occasionally, but very rarely.  I've found other ways to deal: working out, Tank, writing.  I still have a very hard time telling people they've upset or hurt me.  It seems to always cause more problems.  That is most likely because I don't know how to breach the subject gently. 

Personally though, I feel I shouldn't have to worry about someone else's feelings if I'm telling them that they have wronged me.  If it was a misunderstanding, tell me so.  I'm not going to throw a tantrum, I'll just tell you my point of view.  Don't tell me I'm being stupid or too sensitive, that will make the situation worse.  Just because something doesn't or wouldn't bother one person, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone. 

I know it is hard for people to understand why others to this to themselves.  Those people seem weak and selfish, and I can understand that point of view.  I just wish for once, someone would try to see things from the "alternative" view.  We internalize.  We're afraid.  We don't feel good about what we've done.  We don't want you to know.  For me, the physical pain was much easier to deal with than emotional.  It was like the act released it from my body temporarily.  It's not a healthy way to deal.  It doesn't make life easier, and doesn't make the issues go away. 

Between this and the ways I deal now, I did try alcohol to a point.  Other than giving me a few nights of blackness, it didn't help at all and left me with painful headaches the next day.  Those around me knew what I was doing and worried about me.  I didn't put myself in compromising situations or drive, but it was still extremely stupid.  I've lost a few people I care about very very much because of this behavior.  I may still have a beer or two after a rough day, but I don't try to deal that way anymore.  It wasn't worth making myself sick, having headaches, or losing people.  Nothing is worth that.

The reason I am posting this and making my personal battle public is because people don't realize that by judging those who do these things, they could very possibly be making it worse.  Don't condemn them, talk to them, find out what's bothering them so much that it could drive them to this behavior.  The answer could be surprisingly simple and easily dealt with or complex enough that they need to seek professional advice.  I realize most people think that anyone who hurts themselves needs professional help, but that's not the answer for everyone.  I don't think I could sit there face-to-face with a complete stranger and tell them my problems.  I'm afraid they will judge me or tell me I'm being stupid.  And yes, I realize that they cannot openly say that, but they can think it.  I'm thankful I have a handful of people who realize I struggle with little things and will listen even if I need to bitch about something that may be insignificant to them.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to tell the person who made me feel I needed to write this the truth.  I don't want them to worry about every little thing, that maybe it could make me relapse.  Because it isn't like that.  Yes, I have tiny urges at times, but when that happens I grab a cigarette and try to come up with some way to get my mind off of it.  Usually I end up online or working on my book.  Sometimes I go to the gym.  Sometimes I just cry.  Every situation is different, as is every solution.

Judgement isn't the solution, it doesn't help the person.  Compassion and a shoulder to lean on are the best things to offer.  They do so much more than you could ever dream.  It could save a life, in all meanings of the phrase.

Yay!

I get to go play disc golf in a little bit!!!  First time in months!

I'm super excited lol.

via

Never Pat a Pancake

Kerblehrgg... That's how I've felt this week.  With no a/c (again!), my weight loss plateau , boy issues, and a serious bout of depression (all of which I seem to have buried until yesterday...) lately I've been really down on myself.  I can't seem to keep my head up for more than a few moments before I am back to the bottom.

I've been in serious need of a pick-me-up.  Shopping yesterday helped somewhat as did girl time with my new gossip buddy Trey.  I still have a lot to do to get back to my sassy-ass self, but I think this challenge is the kick in the pants I really need right now.

CiaoMom created a Things I like About Me challenge and I'm more than happy to rack my brain for this one.

So without further ado I give you Things I Like About Myself:

• My ability to talk to just about anyone.  It has gotten me through some hellish days at work.  I can find anything to talk about, as long as the person isn't a brick wall.
• My tiny hands.  I get made fun of for having child-sized hands, but I love them.  My fingers are somewhat chubby for the size of my hands, but it adds to them I think.
• My junk-in-tha-trunk.  I love the way jeans fit around my rear and the looks I get for it.  It makes me feel good when I know someone actually agrees with me on what is attractive (none of that stick figure crap, no offense if you are just not my cup of tea).
• My bleeding heart.  I know this sounds like a bad thing, but it makes me who I am.  Especially when it comes to animals.  If it wasn't for this, I doubt I would have gotten Tank.  He was so pitiful and left alone without his brothers and sisters because of a herniated umbilical that no one wanted to pay to have looked at.  It didn't cost a damn thing!  Well other than some neosporin and a bandaid.  My little man is my big strong protector and I couldn't ask for a better companion.
• My love of music.  I have a very wide taste in music, so I can find something for almost any situation.
• My tolerance for things considered "not natural" or taboo or whatever in the Bible Belt.  I've never had a problem with the way another person decides to live their life (unless it's hurting other people of course).  I've never had a problem with people of different religions or ethnicities or sexualities.  I wasn't exactly raised this way, but I wasn't raised to think badly of them either.  My parents seemed to keep their ideals to themselves to let Bubba and I create our own ideals.
• The fact that I'm a country girl.  I have no problem getting dirty, being out fishing or sweating outside (unless it's super duper hot like now), and exploring the world around me.  I love to camp, fish, hike, and all that jazz.  I'm one of the boys most of the time.
• My sassy attitude.  I'm gonna steal a description I recently heard about someone else here.  I feel like the only way to describe my personality is to say look at a Lisa Frank product.  That's me: colorful, everywhere, and odd.  I have a spunk and a mouth on me that really can't be compared to anyone I know.  
• How honest I am.  While I may very lightly sugarcoat something extremely rough, I don't lie.  I'll tell you what I think and if you're being a dumb ass.  I have no problem telling people off when they need it.  
• My protective streak.  I am very protective of those I love.  You don't mess with my family or friends without fear of retribution.  I'm very passive-aggressive about it though, so you won't even notice until it's too late.  
• I'm a new generation hippie.  I go barefoot, hug trees, save the whales, and prefer handmade and freetrade things.

As hard as this was, it wasn't too bad.  It may have given me a momentary boost that is much needed.  

True Blood helped tonight too.  I really identify with Sookie and Tara at times.  One seems to always have some sort of drama and the other is a firecracker with a short fuse, both of which describe my life.  The end kinda pissed me off though.  Stupid books have me expecting one thing and something else happens... This is what I get for reading most of the books before the series even started...

Off to bed now for me!  Um... well... actually I'm just gonna lay down on the couch I'm currently on and try to pass out.  Gotta stay coooool!!!

Have a wonderful week!!

Love!!

Oh!!  I forgot, never pat a pancake while cooking because it releases the air in the middle and makes them gluey!  I didn't know that until tonight.