Test of strength

Today has been one of the most emotionally draining days I have had in a while (yesterday, whatever you want to call it).  Some people call it a test of faith, others would say its a road block or stepping stone.  Whatever the fuck it is, it hurts so fucking much.

I've been torn down and treated like shit in the past.  I've had people use me and walk all over me.  But I don't think I've ever been made to feel this worthless.  Empty can't even begin to describe the feeling in my chest right now. 

Maybe I fell too hard and too fast.  Maybe thinking I was worthy of some amazing was too much.  Maybe I shouldn't trust anyone anymore.

I guess you can figure out that the boyfriend did something really really wrong.  I don't want to get into details and drag down anyone's character or make him out to be a bad person, so I'm not going to do that.  The few of you that know how to contact me personally can do so and I'll share a little bit.  I just don't see the need to let the entire world know all the details.

It happened early early this morning.  After getting in a good (if you want to call it that), long cry, I went to church for the first time in years.  Not for this reason.  The wife of a good friend of mine invited me out for his surprise birthday at their church.  Personally, I was afraid I was going to be struck by lightening, but I hadn't seen him in awhile and knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep.  So off to a church an hour away I went.

If you know me or have followed my posts, you know I'm not a religious person.  One could go as far as saying I don't know what I do or don't believe in.  However, the message this "Holy Roller" preacher had this morning really hit home and I believe it would for anyone no matter their beliefs.  Basically he said that God wants people who have been through hell to share his message, not those that had not been through trials or hard times.  Because only those that have been through it and come through it can share the true grace of God with others.

I say it could work for anyone because honestly, I wouldn't want people close to me who haven't been tested and haven't had hard times in their lives giving me advice or trying to help me through things (and isn't that what good friends do?).  I can't trust that someone who hasn't been through a difficult time could do much of anything other than say "I'm sorry."  Not that it's a bad thing if you haven't been tested, but for as much shit as I've been through it's hard to talk to people who've had it pretty easy.

You have to have faith in whatever you believe in when times are near impossible.  You have to have faith in yourself.  That you're a strong person and you will get through anything no matter what.  You have to know that you have at least one person there for you, whether they're an obvious choice or not.  Everyone has someone they can lean on when they absolutely need it.

Now I'm not in any shape to be saying this right now or giving advice.  I'm bawling.  Again.  But I know I have those people.  I know I'm a strong person when I have nothing else.  I may be crushed and empty and just wanting to crawl in a hole at the moment, but I know whatever happens I will come through it and I have people who will drag me out of my hole kicking and screaming so I will face hardships head on and come out stronger (if not more cold hearted).

I don't know what I'm going to do about my current situation.  None of the choices presented seem logical, even though there are maybe 3-4 tops, 2 for sure.  I know whatever I do, it's going to be hard for me trust again or put myself out there.  But I'm strong.  And when I have moments when I can't be, like now, I have people who are willing to be strong for me.  Or at least get me drunk so I don't give a fuck.

Basically, have faith in YOU and know you are not alone in anything.

G'night.