Honesty

Honesty (according to Merriam-Webster)

obsolete : chastity

a : fairness and straightforwardness of conduct b : adherence to the facts : sincerity 

If you know me, you know I have a habit of being bluntly honest.  I pride myself on this.  Yes, I may sugar-coat things at times, but that's only when I feel harshness would make the situation worse.  If I don't like you or some decision you have/are making, you'll know it.  I'm going to support my friends to do what makes them happy even if I don't agree with it.  It's not my life, I can't decide what is best for anyone other than me.

So I'm going to be completely and bluntly honest about somethings.

Life sucks for the most part at the moment.  

I've gotten past the ex.  I haven't gotten past his actions.  But let's face it, things were over between us long before I ended it.  I just didn't want to believe it.  There is nothing in my posts on here to back this up, but I don't like bashing and it would have looked that way.  We became toxic and volatile around each other long before moving into the Lafayette house.  It just wasn't as often.  I've moved on.  I am interested in someone else and he seems pretty interested in me.  Things aren't perfect, they never will be.  That's what makes it interesting.  It still hurts to know how quickly I was replaced, but really he was moving on before it was over too.  We should have saved ourselves a lot of pain and arguing and the splitting of friends and just ended it when we both realized things had went to shit.  Lesson learned.

I was fired a little over two weeks ago.  Completely my fault.  I was late one too many times.  They even gave me extra chances.  Most of my screw ups were over the summer.  When things got bad between the ex and I.  I let that affect my attendance and I shouldn't have.  As much as I loved that job and the people I worked with, honestly I was looking for something more, something better.  It was barely paying the bills and drove me crazy a lot.  Yes, I would love to go back.  Yes, I miss my coworkers.  But I see this as chance to try something new.  To find something more along my skills set that pays better.  The people that really cared past just working together have kept in touch.  I've done my best to do the same with those I had come to care about.  Again, lesson learned.

Recently, little Cleo passed away.  It was very sudden.  I found her Saturday.  From the looks of her and what I described to the vet tech, they think she had a seizure.  She had one months ago, so it wasn't the first.  I caught that one in time.  Not this one.  I am completely shattered by this.  I don't have kids, so my dogs are my children.  She was still a puppy.  I loved that crazy thing so much.  She made me laugh every day.  Tank is pretty broken up about it.  He keeps looking for her.  It breaks my heart.  He loved his little sister as much as I did.  I've been taking him on long walks and giving him extra attention so he doesn't stay depressed.  Right now, he's asleep in my lap.  He's been like this for almost two hours, waking up only when I went out to smoke a cigarette.  He's all I have now.  If he was spoiled before, he's going to be super spoiled now.  I feel like an awful puppy momma because I couldn't do anything for her.  Even now, I'm tearing up at the thought.

After all this, I ended up upsetting my two best friends, the only two people who have stuck by my side through everything.  Talk about feeling awful...  I tried to be honest with them about a situation and ended up going about it in a bad way.  I was caught off guard and was already in a bad mood...  I don't know if things will work themselves out or not.  I hope so.  I have apologized for the way things went down, but the reason I am uncomfortable with the situation that was the cause is not something I will apologize for.  I do not feel I should have to defend myself in that.  My reasoning is not wrong for me, maybe for them, but not me.  I just didn't express it in a way I should have.  I was TOO blunt for once.  I upset them before by not saying anything when something upset me because I wanted to wait and talk things out calmly.  They wanted me to be honest.  So this time I was.  Just not very nice about it.  Kicking myself right now, but I can't change what was said.  Hopefully they'll forgive me.

So here is me being honest.  I'm selfish and crude and at times straight out rude, but I will always be honest with you.  If people can't handle this, than they probably shouldn't be around me.  A lot of the pain lately has been my fault, or at least a good part of it has been.  Things are definitely still changing and I'm trying to roll with it, even if it is difficult.  I'm off to see an old friend who is moving, the one mentioned about two posts ago who hurt me.  Bad idea?  Probably, but I'm wanting to be the bigger person.  Honestly?  I missed my best guy friend and would like one last goof off together.  Wish me luck...

Love!!